No Welcoming Comitee

Pain's back, but my lifestyle WILL NOT go back so stay tuned to the other blog, because fighting or not it's all about... Peace. Love. Writing.

Forever and Always

I'm never going to forget an entire 3 year time period in my life. Or at least not anytime soon with the exception of an amnesia causing accident or something. I'm never going to be "unchanged" now that I'm in remission. There is absolutely no guarantee remission will stay around. But while it's here I really need to focus on being me and staying as positive and active and unconnected to RSD as I can. It's crazy to be told you'll have something forever and then after you've been fighting those odds so long, there to be a miraculous procedure with results never expected that take the forever away. Whether it's just a break or a second chance, whatever it is, I'm in remission. I'm not fighting, I'm living and that means...forever fighting is on hiatus.

Think you'll miss me? well, i haven't been much of a blogger lately, but that is quite frankly due to indifference in my feelings towards where forever fighting is to go now. I am not fighting RSD , despite RSD having shaped me... this blog has no where to go. I began this to let out my thoughts and give some sort of inspiration or guidance but now I feel like I need to focus on chasing dreams and living life filled with spontaneity and perhaps less gloomy consistency. No more foot updates. No more fighting, I have nothing to prove.

Check out the new blog. http://katarzyna-peacelovewriting.blogspot.com

Hop, Skip, Dash, Free Fall

The block was an absolute and complete success. It's beyond what I ever imagined. I expected to get my one night of sleep and then go right back to torture. No pain since Monday. I am essentially "normal". I can run, skip, hop, do stairs. I have control of me again and I love it. There is the underlying fear that I'll wake up tomorrow or the next day so on and this won't be the case... but I'm fulling enjoying it and doing everything I can to make things stay this way. It's emotionally draining but it's easier to be happy. I can get the exercise I need without a motivation issue, I can think clearly and I can fully experience everything without dying inside. It's still hard which I mean is wrong to say I guess. It's so incredibly happy. I've cried from happiness but then again I cry because I'm scared. It's like wow now that I know this is a part of me, should I be going all out? Or should I be careful? Life is too short to live cautiously but I'm scared of things going back; despite this I hop, skip and free fall forward into a life I've forgotten. Pain free.

10am ---> Happy Birthday!

I'm not dead...but I'm pretty sure that's apparent assuming of course you believe this is the same person writing this as all along. Yep, yep siree. I don't feel like me though and that's the pathetic reason for lack of blogs. I'm not myself and I hate it. The RSD pain guy is taking me over and I truly am changed for the worse, I have no drive anymore, writing my passion doesn't even bring me joy except upon occasion. I'm trying to change that tomorrow. Tomorrow is going to be my "reawakening" day. I'll be like Frosty the Snowman, "Happy Birthday!" Summer has officially begun, it helps with stress, less stress...more energy? I'm continuously exhausted but I'm determined to not let that keep me down. I got my license! wooo. I passed 10th grade, woo! And tomorrow I am getting my nerve block. 10am is the time. Hospital is the place. This isn't what is bringing the change, it is a part of it, but I realize it may not be as great as I want it to be and I need to push myself through this depression and BLAH and live life to the fullest, fully experience everything...do more of the things I love even if at first it may not seem appeal. Motivation. Motivation is key and I have had very little...tomorrow, that changes. I'm bringing a bunch of my writing in the car to work on. I found out about a twice a year novel contest that I am aiming to be ready for by December. the novel, hasn't been worked on...in well over a month or 2. It needs TLC and I need to force myself to at least put it in front of me, read it, something...to get things going again. Otherwise, I'm touching up my English writing portfolio from this year before i put it in my hope chest. Of course the writers notebook will be along for the ride...as well as my snazzy Peruvian pen my therapist got me. Tomorrow is the day, ready or not welcome back to life:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Phew!

Ta-Da!!! With a flourish, grin and bow the average sized, not average, teenager collapses surrounding to gravity and emotion ending up lying moaning on the bed.

It's been a long day and the sad part is I barely moved a muscle...which is really bad. I mean I did small stuff, and all my PT. I played violin. I turned the truck around which got pulled in because it was really dark when we got home. Little things. Little things I can manage and at this point it's all about re-framing things to make them manageable. Thank god for Sara. Oh do I love her, I'm so much better off since I stopped fighting the therapist and let her take me to her side. she's good company and a voice of reason, when I'm all riled up...she brings in the reinforcements...usually over telephone...but still working miracles. Oh, miracles. I feel as though given the situation they are a touchy topic, but hey, I'm tired tonight and focused on giving a well-rounded...slightly okay written blog, now that everything is in order. Today my blog transformed at least 5 times. I got to the point where I said you know what blog, go away. I had no desire to fix it. Now, it's pretty, finalized and I am in a writing mood. This all arose after I'd shut the light out for the night. Oh well, when the spirit moves as they say. My writing is like that, I think that's how it is for all of us though. You don't expect anything amazing from yourself unless you're inspired. It's not just writing, it's life. You know that if there isn't a glimmer of something great you're chasing that you're just "doing it" not participating, being, acting.

On the note of pain. Well, well, well. Pain is not a note played with brilliant vibrato, yielding magnificent tone; nor is it harmonious and pleasing...pain is like a diminished minor chord, stinging the ear and drawing you aback. Lately to me, it's more like a sf dynamic grabbing me with a loud attack. Rosin flies, and I'm hidden in its horrendous dissonant song. Am I trying to hard? hehe. I'm really into my violin and music still. I'm writing a paper on the importance of music education. I am no longer creating a presentation on RSD. That is something I am just not comfortable with at this stage. I dropped the class, thankfully. Sitting there, holding in all the frustration, pain and anger, being forced to observe my peers "play" physical therapy was not something I found amusing. Physical therapy, story of my life...and it's definitely not a game. It was an unintentional form of mockery and I needed out. Now I'm out, it helped, but there is still great struggle. The pain is overwhelming much of the time and there's so much pressure on me to "do what I'm supposed to." It's not a matter of knowing or willpower, it's truly the fact that my body is against me. I know it's wrong. The nerves are crazy and my brain doesn't know any better than to listen. The thing is, my brain does listen and it transfers to how I react, knowing I shouldn't or not. Pain is a bigger barrier than one may conceive. It hurts, push through it. I've come to hate this, this, demand I'm expected to meet. I just want to say. Yes of course and like shove someone down a flight of stairs, look down at them and say "It hurts... :(...push through it." Now let it be clear, I'd never hurt anyone, but wow I'd like to hold that power, to be able to tell someone else to do something their body is telling them not to, because it's good for them. But you see, I'm not that type, I care and I understand that, not everything is black and white. Color is the spice of life. My blog has touches of color...you like? I felt like it needed intensity and simplicity with complementing areas of vibrancy. Finally I feel as though it's worked out. My foot...not so much. I felt like that after seeing the doctor on Tuesday I finally felt like wow my "task force" and I have this all under control. ha, not. Don't get me wrong I'm driving the bus...but who the hell knows where. It's like a road that's incredibly rough, where the pain guy has himself bolted to the back of my seat his hands not covering my hands but frequently waving in front of my face...and the sharp curves don't let you see around the corner...oh yea and who cares about that stuff, you have to be going 50 miles per hour, to stay "normal" and do the right thing. What if I just want a break? Rest area...pit stop...?! I'm hoping that through medicine and hard work it will come...but really I'm losing hope of that. I want a block. And hopefully one will be getting scheduled. I get that money is the constant issue, hey, the US can't even manage it why should we be worried?! Also, I should be thinking about ease, what's best and all that. Well people all that I can think of right now is what's best, for me, which is a break from pain that no one seems to want me to have. Yep I'm selfish. Please, I want a nerve block. Pretending like that leg doesn't exist sounds like vacation. I'll do schoolwork, I'll do anything, as long as I have that break from that leg...which is no longer welcome on my bus.

Phew! Marathon blog...it's the next day... but I have a lot to say I guess? Tomorrow...or today technically I'm perhaps going swimming which is exciting on some levels. It counts as PT too which means I have to like put myself in pain as well...but it's better than other alternatives. Also, I'm going to be starting "The Tenth Circle" By: Jodi Picoult! I love her so much and am definitely looking forward to being "back with her" after my hiatus spent reading Crime Scene. I want to get my bookshelf and my room painted...but hey I need to not being worrying about all fun stuff. I need to find a balance, which is shockingly hard. but hey, my new "sticker chart" helps, even if it is very fist grade. "Stickers are not for children, they are for Katarzyna's!"

Love and goodnight. ♥

Oh yea, enjoy the German music. It's actually a very amazing song and if you want to know the time in Germany I got you covered as well. :) 4 months 3 days, 126 days, 10,886,400 seconds, 181,440 minutes, 3024 hours , 18 weeks: Until my German exchange Student arrives! I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Admit

I admit I'm a lazy blogger. I also admit that I am on the verge of asking to be admitted. Not totally my idea but it was mentioned by my therapist in passing and I'm fed up. Admit one to the show... music. I'm really into music lately. Other than that...I don't have much worthwhile to say right now...I just felt let eh, should probably put something down to keep it alive. RSD is keeping me the opposite. -_-

Night loves.

8 Days Without Blogging...Times 2...Sixteen? I'm 16!

I don't even recall the last time I blogged and according to the date on the top of my last post it was only 8 days ago. The last eight days...have been intense. The least notable of the events which have occurred would be I turned sixteen. Today is my birthday! Woo, not the best I've ever had, but hey, I'm sure there were good parts. Well duh. I've been getting psyched over new books, paint for my room and English curriculum. I've been loving the music and driving as much as I can given the...circumstances. I'm doing my best to stay positive but honestly life is hell. I literally feel as though pretty soon I just will not be able to, BE ABLE TO, go anymore. I just feel as though my body will give out and not let me do anymore though. I can barely function with the amount of pain or the other extreme narcotics. I'm so behind in school and so stressed over being behind, getting further behind, being back in treatment and RSD in general. It's like a huge catch twenty two. But, thankfully I'm starting my new nerve pain meds. tonight so they can start working. I feel like a giant pill at this point. :p I really don't have much more to say on the issue, it just, gah.



On happier birthday notage, ♫♪♫♪ I got a message from my German exchange partner! I haven't heard from her in over a month! She sent me birfday wishes which made me smile :) Her english is getting better and my German definitely has too since we last spoke. This is shocking seems how I'm narrowing in on 30 missed German classes this year. Like 6 or more in the last month. But one big thing is that I can now talk properly in the past tense. yay for "vergangenheit!" hehe. I love German and no matter what, and I mean no matter what I am going through this exchange and experiencing it to the fullest. My health is important but a big part of mental health is having fun and experiencing all you can and pushing yourself to new limits. this exchange will be so incredibly amazing I can't wait! We have our final planning shortly! I'm so so excited. Just a short summer break and they'll be here! She'll be here like in my room, flesh and blood. We'll go and dance like crazy at homecoming and hit the ground running from there. Wow...lots of verbs that the thought of make me cringe in that sentence...but by gosh they WILL happen! :)



YAY DEUTSCH!

Alles gut zum Geburtstag :D