Phew!

Ta-Da!!! With a flourish, grin and bow the average sized, not average, teenager collapses surrounding to gravity and emotion ending up lying moaning on the bed.

It's been a long day and the sad part is I barely moved a muscle...which is really bad. I mean I did small stuff, and all my PT. I played violin. I turned the truck around which got pulled in because it was really dark when we got home. Little things. Little things I can manage and at this point it's all about re-framing things to make them manageable. Thank god for Sara. Oh do I love her, I'm so much better off since I stopped fighting the therapist and let her take me to her side. she's good company and a voice of reason, when I'm all riled up...she brings in the reinforcements...usually over telephone...but still working miracles. Oh, miracles. I feel as though given the situation they are a touchy topic, but hey, I'm tired tonight and focused on giving a well-rounded...slightly okay written blog, now that everything is in order. Today my blog transformed at least 5 times. I got to the point where I said you know what blog, go away. I had no desire to fix it. Now, it's pretty, finalized and I am in a writing mood. This all arose after I'd shut the light out for the night. Oh well, when the spirit moves as they say. My writing is like that, I think that's how it is for all of us though. You don't expect anything amazing from yourself unless you're inspired. It's not just writing, it's life. You know that if there isn't a glimmer of something great you're chasing that you're just "doing it" not participating, being, acting.

On the note of pain. Well, well, well. Pain is not a note played with brilliant vibrato, yielding magnificent tone; nor is it harmonious and pleasing...pain is like a diminished minor chord, stinging the ear and drawing you aback. Lately to me, it's more like a sf dynamic grabbing me with a loud attack. Rosin flies, and I'm hidden in its horrendous dissonant song. Am I trying to hard? hehe. I'm really into my violin and music still. I'm writing a paper on the importance of music education. I am no longer creating a presentation on RSD. That is something I am just not comfortable with at this stage. I dropped the class, thankfully. Sitting there, holding in all the frustration, pain and anger, being forced to observe my peers "play" physical therapy was not something I found amusing. Physical therapy, story of my life...and it's definitely not a game. It was an unintentional form of mockery and I needed out. Now I'm out, it helped, but there is still great struggle. The pain is overwhelming much of the time and there's so much pressure on me to "do what I'm supposed to." It's not a matter of knowing or willpower, it's truly the fact that my body is against me. I know it's wrong. The nerves are crazy and my brain doesn't know any better than to listen. The thing is, my brain does listen and it transfers to how I react, knowing I shouldn't or not. Pain is a bigger barrier than one may conceive. It hurts, push through it. I've come to hate this, this, demand I'm expected to meet. I just want to say. Yes of course and like shove someone down a flight of stairs, look down at them and say "It hurts... :(...push through it." Now let it be clear, I'd never hurt anyone, but wow I'd like to hold that power, to be able to tell someone else to do something their body is telling them not to, because it's good for them. But you see, I'm not that type, I care and I understand that, not everything is black and white. Color is the spice of life. My blog has touches of color...you like? I felt like it needed intensity and simplicity with complementing areas of vibrancy. Finally I feel as though it's worked out. My foot...not so much. I felt like that after seeing the doctor on Tuesday I finally felt like wow my "task force" and I have this all under control. ha, not. Don't get me wrong I'm driving the bus...but who the hell knows where. It's like a road that's incredibly rough, where the pain guy has himself bolted to the back of my seat his hands not covering my hands but frequently waving in front of my face...and the sharp curves don't let you see around the corner...oh yea and who cares about that stuff, you have to be going 50 miles per hour, to stay "normal" and do the right thing. What if I just want a break? Rest area...pit stop...?! I'm hoping that through medicine and hard work it will come...but really I'm losing hope of that. I want a block. And hopefully one will be getting scheduled. I get that money is the constant issue, hey, the US can't even manage it why should we be worried?! Also, I should be thinking about ease, what's best and all that. Well people all that I can think of right now is what's best, for me, which is a break from pain that no one seems to want me to have. Yep I'm selfish. Please, I want a nerve block. Pretending like that leg doesn't exist sounds like vacation. I'll do schoolwork, I'll do anything, as long as I have that break from that leg...which is no longer welcome on my bus.

Phew! Marathon blog...it's the next day... but I have a lot to say I guess? Tomorrow...or today technically I'm perhaps going swimming which is exciting on some levels. It counts as PT too which means I have to like put myself in pain as well...but it's better than other alternatives. Also, I'm going to be starting "The Tenth Circle" By: Jodi Picoult! I love her so much and am definitely looking forward to being "back with her" after my hiatus spent reading Crime Scene. I want to get my bookshelf and my room painted...but hey I need to not being worrying about all fun stuff. I need to find a balance, which is shockingly hard. but hey, my new "sticker chart" helps, even if it is very fist grade. "Stickers are not for children, they are for Katarzyna's!"

Love and goodnight. ♥

Oh yea, enjoy the German music. It's actually a very amazing song and if you want to know the time in Germany I got you covered as well. :) 4 months 3 days, 126 days, 10,886,400 seconds, 181,440 minutes, 3024 hours , 18 weeks: Until my German exchange Student arrives! I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!