Phew!

Ta-Da!!! With a flourish, grin and bow the average sized, not average, teenager collapses surrounding to gravity and emotion ending up lying moaning on the bed.

It's been a long day and the sad part is I barely moved a muscle...which is really bad. I mean I did small stuff, and all my PT. I played violin. I turned the truck around which got pulled in because it was really dark when we got home. Little things. Little things I can manage and at this point it's all about re-framing things to make them manageable. Thank god for Sara. Oh do I love her, I'm so much better off since I stopped fighting the therapist and let her take me to her side. she's good company and a voice of reason, when I'm all riled up...she brings in the reinforcements...usually over telephone...but still working miracles. Oh, miracles. I feel as though given the situation they are a touchy topic, but hey, I'm tired tonight and focused on giving a well-rounded...slightly okay written blog, now that everything is in order. Today my blog transformed at least 5 times. I got to the point where I said you know what blog, go away. I had no desire to fix it. Now, it's pretty, finalized and I am in a writing mood. This all arose after I'd shut the light out for the night. Oh well, when the spirit moves as they say. My writing is like that, I think that's how it is for all of us though. You don't expect anything amazing from yourself unless you're inspired. It's not just writing, it's life. You know that if there isn't a glimmer of something great you're chasing that you're just "doing it" not participating, being, acting.

On the note of pain. Well, well, well. Pain is not a note played with brilliant vibrato, yielding magnificent tone; nor is it harmonious and pleasing...pain is like a diminished minor chord, stinging the ear and drawing you aback. Lately to me, it's more like a sf dynamic grabbing me with a loud attack. Rosin flies, and I'm hidden in its horrendous dissonant song. Am I trying to hard? hehe. I'm really into my violin and music still. I'm writing a paper on the importance of music education. I am no longer creating a presentation on RSD. That is something I am just not comfortable with at this stage. I dropped the class, thankfully. Sitting there, holding in all the frustration, pain and anger, being forced to observe my peers "play" physical therapy was not something I found amusing. Physical therapy, story of my life...and it's definitely not a game. It was an unintentional form of mockery and I needed out. Now I'm out, it helped, but there is still great struggle. The pain is overwhelming much of the time and there's so much pressure on me to "do what I'm supposed to." It's not a matter of knowing or willpower, it's truly the fact that my body is against me. I know it's wrong. The nerves are crazy and my brain doesn't know any better than to listen. The thing is, my brain does listen and it transfers to how I react, knowing I shouldn't or not. Pain is a bigger barrier than one may conceive. It hurts, push through it. I've come to hate this, this, demand I'm expected to meet. I just want to say. Yes of course and like shove someone down a flight of stairs, look down at them and say "It hurts... :(...push through it." Now let it be clear, I'd never hurt anyone, but wow I'd like to hold that power, to be able to tell someone else to do something their body is telling them not to, because it's good for them. But you see, I'm not that type, I care and I understand that, not everything is black and white. Color is the spice of life. My blog has touches of color...you like? I felt like it needed intensity and simplicity with complementing areas of vibrancy. Finally I feel as though it's worked out. My foot...not so much. I felt like that after seeing the doctor on Tuesday I finally felt like wow my "task force" and I have this all under control. ha, not. Don't get me wrong I'm driving the bus...but who the hell knows where. It's like a road that's incredibly rough, where the pain guy has himself bolted to the back of my seat his hands not covering my hands but frequently waving in front of my face...and the sharp curves don't let you see around the corner...oh yea and who cares about that stuff, you have to be going 50 miles per hour, to stay "normal" and do the right thing. What if I just want a break? Rest area...pit stop...?! I'm hoping that through medicine and hard work it will come...but really I'm losing hope of that. I want a block. And hopefully one will be getting scheduled. I get that money is the constant issue, hey, the US can't even manage it why should we be worried?! Also, I should be thinking about ease, what's best and all that. Well people all that I can think of right now is what's best, for me, which is a break from pain that no one seems to want me to have. Yep I'm selfish. Please, I want a nerve block. Pretending like that leg doesn't exist sounds like vacation. I'll do schoolwork, I'll do anything, as long as I have that break from that leg...which is no longer welcome on my bus.

Phew! Marathon blog...it's the next day... but I have a lot to say I guess? Tomorrow...or today technically I'm perhaps going swimming which is exciting on some levels. It counts as PT too which means I have to like put myself in pain as well...but it's better than other alternatives. Also, I'm going to be starting "The Tenth Circle" By: Jodi Picoult! I love her so much and am definitely looking forward to being "back with her" after my hiatus spent reading Crime Scene. I want to get my bookshelf and my room painted...but hey I need to not being worrying about all fun stuff. I need to find a balance, which is shockingly hard. but hey, my new "sticker chart" helps, even if it is very fist grade. "Stickers are not for children, they are for Katarzyna's!"

Love and goodnight. ♥

Oh yea, enjoy the German music. It's actually a very amazing song and if you want to know the time in Germany I got you covered as well. :) 4 months 3 days, 126 days, 10,886,400 seconds, 181,440 minutes, 3024 hours , 18 weeks: Until my German exchange Student arrives! I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Admit

I admit I'm a lazy blogger. I also admit that I am on the verge of asking to be admitted. Not totally my idea but it was mentioned by my therapist in passing and I'm fed up. Admit one to the show... music. I'm really into music lately. Other than that...I don't have much worthwhile to say right now...I just felt let eh, should probably put something down to keep it alive. RSD is keeping me the opposite. -_-

Night loves.

8 Days Without Blogging...Times 2...Sixteen? I'm 16!

I don't even recall the last time I blogged and according to the date on the top of my last post it was only 8 days ago. The last eight days...have been intense. The least notable of the events which have occurred would be I turned sixteen. Today is my birthday! Woo, not the best I've ever had, but hey, I'm sure there were good parts. Well duh. I've been getting psyched over new books, paint for my room and English curriculum. I've been loving the music and driving as much as I can given the...circumstances. I'm doing my best to stay positive but honestly life is hell. I literally feel as though pretty soon I just will not be able to, BE ABLE TO, go anymore. I just feel as though my body will give out and not let me do anymore though. I can barely function with the amount of pain or the other extreme narcotics. I'm so behind in school and so stressed over being behind, getting further behind, being back in treatment and RSD in general. It's like a huge catch twenty two. But, thankfully I'm starting my new nerve pain meds. tonight so they can start working. I feel like a giant pill at this point. :p I really don't have much more to say on the issue, it just, gah.



On happier birthday notage, ♫♪♫♪ I got a message from my German exchange partner! I haven't heard from her in over a month! She sent me birfday wishes which made me smile :) Her english is getting better and my German definitely has too since we last spoke. This is shocking seems how I'm narrowing in on 30 missed German classes this year. Like 6 or more in the last month. But one big thing is that I can now talk properly in the past tense. yay for "vergangenheit!" hehe. I love German and no matter what, and I mean no matter what I am going through this exchange and experiencing it to the fullest. My health is important but a big part of mental health is having fun and experiencing all you can and pushing yourself to new limits. this exchange will be so incredibly amazing I can't wait! We have our final planning shortly! I'm so so excited. Just a short summer break and they'll be here! She'll be here like in my room, flesh and blood. We'll go and dance like crazy at homecoming and hit the ground running from there. Wow...lots of verbs that the thought of make me cringe in that sentence...but by gosh they WILL happen! :)



YAY DEUTSCH!

Alles gut zum Geburtstag :D

Passing the 10th Grade Could Be Important...

My school has this rule, which I fully understand and support on a case by case basis. The thing is, that rule is currently what may result in me being a sophomore next year...even though I'm one this year and a straight A student. Yes, I have straight As and I work my butt off but regardless I may not be passed on to the 11th grade. As you all know, I have a "medical condition", ick terminology like that makes me sick. :p But anyways, this "condition", aka STUPID RSD, has caused an extreme number of absences, all of which have been viewed as excused due to a note from a parent. This doesn't matter, because of the number of days missed, I've exceeded the amount "allowed". Therefore we have to appeal to me losing credits. I could lose credit for German and be "okay", because it's not required. Actually if it were just a few classes I get to be considered a "jumore", but I am potentially going to lose credit in English. You fail English, you don't go to the next grade. Yea, wonderful. I love English, I want to be an author, I am a writer, I read constantly, but no matter, I have RSD which screws up a lot of things. Hopefully, I will get credit because we'll gather up proper "evidence" that my absences were for legitimate reasons, but it's in the hands of school staff. Let me tell you especially after the last week I had, I despise school staff. The lack of sympathy or even recognition that they have no idea what the hell is going on is sickening. Worst of all (besides peers) are the school nurses for crying out loud! This week as I was sick to my stomach from pain, in tears and completely unable to focus it was attempted to convince me to go to my office (school is separated into 4 groups) and do work while I waited for my Dad to come and get me. I could sit up without tears welling, she could clearly see that. Wow, I was far from pleased. Oh yes, and get this. They've run out of elevator keys. (Given to kids on crutches, with med. conditions that prohibit stair use) So Friday morning I crutch in, my arms killing my foot beyond excruciatingly painful and they tell me sorry no elevator keys. Then they give me the crap that, "it's not their fault". It is absolutely their fault. It's not that the people who get more made haven't, it's that they're frivolous with who they give them to, don't keep track of them and never hunt down people who need them temporarily to get them back. It's their fault and they tell me I'll have to (I DIDN'T because it was ABSOLUTELY IRRATIONAL!) crutch to the main office (located on the ground floor) every time I need to go up the elevator and them to go down. Ummm yea, that's perfect seems how the nurse is in one building on the 3rd floor. (This building has 5 floors) the office is in the other, which has 4. Logical people, learn how to use it! So my day was hell. Lots of tears, which make me feel so weak and pathetic as people stare with no bit of understanding. I know it's not their fault, it's no ones fault, I just get so frustrated. I thought I was on an everlasting uphill climb. Even if I slid back didn't think I'd be back to the get-go. My lifestyle change is phenomenal. My mentality is changed and I definitely have a better outlook on the whole situation thanks to Boston Children's Hospital. And I was doing great. I don't want to think this is a huge set-back but from what my body is telling me, it is. I mean, "hurt vs. harm" nothing is harmed, but from what I know of RSD, it's angry. Pain guy is like smacking me in the face no matter how loud I yell or how hard I punch back. I'm living my life around him best I can, but trust me, put anyone else in this situation and they'd see I'm pretty darn talented to be doing as well as I am. Some of this is thanks to narcotics which i HATE being on and need to get off ASAP. But it's what makes me semi-functional. Not functional...but able to be alive without screaming, crying, wrenching and having a non-stop mental breakdown. Yea, it's pleasant.

In my opinion the most frustrating thing about RSD is the vicious circle it puts you in. RSD is a huge reason to be stressed, frustrated and confused. Feeling these things causes more pain. The more pain, the more strong vile emotions. Vicious circle of hell! This past week, I've been battling to break out of the circle, but honestly I'm terrified and highly stressed. I might flunk a grade! I'm so behind in many things...and the pain makes me sick to my stomach, blocks out clear thinking and amongst the other things makes me miserable. The meds. which block the pain make me tired, dizzy, unfocused. How am I supposed to do school work? I can't. i try, I promise I try. I want to get it done so I stand a better chance at beating this stress RSD cycle. I also need to practice violin. It'd be calming...but it requires sitting up, which having my foot hang down increases pain. It also requites focus and desire...squashed by meds. And if I'm in pain and can manage the other issues, the vibrations of loud music intensify pain and send shooting, radiating pains up my leg. This RSD thing is one huge catch 22.

Which brings me to the fact that I wish for a day everyone around me could feel this. It's not because I hate them. I love them. It makes no sense right? You can call it selfish too, I just want people to understand. It's not only that. It's that I love them and I know this monster and I, when we're battling, I'm terrible to be around. I know for some of them it hurts them to see me the way I am. I don't want to do that. I hate feeling helpless. Maybe if I could show them RSD for just one day they wouldn't have to feel helpless. :)

Well right now...I feel tired. Meds. :p And just overall pain exhausted...so I'm off to attempt sleep, although my tummy is filled with waves thanks to fretting over school. Meh. -_-

The weekends are far too short!

Love bloglings. ♥

Perspective

Ello bloglings. It has been an unacceptable amount of time since we have spoken. Then again, you may groan at the prospect of reading this blog, so hey it's all in perspective. Most things in life are all about perspective and this has been proven time and time again throughout this week. I'm not saying you can essentially "think something away" but coming at things positively, helps you. If not "literally" mentally. You'll feel better if you don't get yourself worked up over frivolous things. Not saying I'm good at it, no way Jose. I seriously just spent five minutes trying to figure out how to put an acentgrau over the e in Jose. Wow. That's another thing, perspective=importance. The amount you dwell/focus on something should ideally represent how much you care for it. This is definitely not always the case. Obstacles are a big part of the perspective thing. It's like driving. Your line of sight or path of travel may be blocked not allowing you to act in the best way possible. Same goes for life in general, there's no map, no straight lines. Chances are you'll never see a direct answer the first time around. Life is a lot of work. RSD is a like another life in itself. I'd tell you it doesn't have to be, but honestly sometimes you can't help but get catch up in the maze of obstacles it creates. This past week has been hell, I'll admit it. I haven't been the most positive about it, that's when fear comes in. I'm honestly scared, and worried about what this means for the future. I was doing so incredibly well and now this flare has got me nearly stopped in my tracks. even though I want to push through, I can only be so strong. Sure people can judge and say it's my choice, but until you feel this you don't know. That's one huge struggle. I'm trapped in a world filled with people who don't have the capacity to understand. It's not their fault, I make it their fault though. Which poses problems. I expect that people know by now not to ask. The thing is, new people are always entering my life and chances are very good that they entered during a "calm spell". What people don't know is everyday no matter how low the pain is, is an uphill battle. A lot of time, what you see is not what you get with me. People don't like listening to complaining, fear, groaning, moaning, anger, they'd rather you discuss frivolous things. They're not frivolous to them because they have life and it's obstacles. I have life and it's obstacles taking a back-seat to RSD and its. You see, no matter how close to letting go that pain guy is, it's going to be that way. Sure I've gotten pretty good at balancing both "circles of life" but no one is perfect. And it may not be the intention, but without meaning to people expect that of me. And it's stressful. Forever adding stress, how can people expect me not be forever be broken? That I can not tell you. What I can say though is it has to do with perspective. My perspective is far different from the majority's.

Later bloglings. ♥