White Flag---I'll Let You Stand on the White Line If You Uncover My Eyes

I'm going to the doctors shortly. Yes, again. I went for my post-op check-up and all my insides are good. I stayed home from school today. For a reason you'd think that my therapist/physical therapist would scold. I called them even. No scolding, but "go to the doctor!" I hate the doctors with a firey passion. It's so incredibly frustrating for them to not be able to tell you what's wrong or to help you. That's part of the reason I'm such an advocate for RSD awareness. It's not that I think other things are less devasting or important, such as cancer, lupus, etc. BUT I do think RSD is one of the things I am educated about that the generally population isn't (INCLUDING DOCS.!) and that ruins lots of lives. My life is not ruined. I'm trying to fight this flare. I swear it's a flare, despite others forcing me to get it checked out. I got nailed with a softball in my bad foot, as I previously mentioned. I can't sit up right now and I feel like vomiting from the pain. It's awful. Worst flare this year. And I've still been walking around despite near puking. It goes to show what I've learned. I'm not letting it rule. I want to go outside and pitch and try to do stuff. But I've been ordered to go to the doctors...which is probably good. I'd rather not wretch and puke from RSD pain...it's not a pleasent thing. Maybe some drugs are in order? Probably not. They're not that nice. Actually not very nice at all in these parts. I just want to sit up, eat and GO TO SCHOOL. Dumb pain guy let's compromise?!

D:

Shady Pain Guy Gots Company

Tonight's one of those nights when my blog is all I got. I just need to let out what's in my head before I implode or explode. Being overwhelmed does things to me, not good things either. It's when I really feel the downfalls of teenager, even more so than when it's just one big dramatic event. I don't know if you all are aware but I'm battling a bigger monster than RSD. I wish RSD was all I had to fight, but there's something else that's been around since I was a baby. They tell me I could grow out of it, and I'm waiting and waiting. anxiety. It's just takes me over. I'm medicated whooo. I'd rather not be, but otherwise wow, I'd be a mess. It's mild OCD mixed in. I think things to death until I'm an emotional mess. I'm sure you could tell that. It's one of those nights, I think because tomorrow is back to school a place I've grown to hate. I'm overwhelmed by life at the moment. It's crazy realizing how fast things come into your life and blow back out. No one could ever determine the meaning behind everything, but I try to. I worry too much about what was "wrong" with the past and how I'll make the future right. I need control, at least over me. I'd like it over other people sometimes to, it's one of my many downfalls. So I try not to let the OCD get me, I do pretty well, but Sunday nights are the worse. I look at the week and it's automatic hysteria. I never sleep good on Sunday nights.

This week is intense as ever and to be honest it makes me feel sick to think about it. I have so much "business" that needs tending to. Plus other stuff I'd like to do and probably won't because the pain guy and the anxiety guy will beat me down. I hate it you know. I'm always saying I'm not a normal team, but I must be, because I hear that there's all this struggle. It's like an ongoing uphill battle. I have fun, lots of it, and then there's these nights. I shouldn't be complaining, but I just need this time with myself. Time where the thoughts aren't all caged in. I sigh alot when i blog on these nights. And I'm sure I talk in huge circles. I'm sorry for that, but it's a therapy more than anything. It's healthy for me and I guess looking at the bright side, my writing. Truly feeling what you're feeling and accepting it is important.

I'll tell you I'm hurting in a lot of ways and people probably just view it as being pathetic and thinking up excuses. I don't think up excuses. If anything I'd love to get rid of all this. Most definitely. So much stress at school with getting catch up, with keeping friends and not losing people. trying to trust people. Trying to let people get to know me and show them me not all this crappy stuff that's attached. Just being who people want. I know I need to be who I want, but also don't want to be alone. Honest: i trust maybe three people. And it's nothing about the people, I'm surrounded by great people. I'm trying I really am. I hate that people have all these misconceptions about me, and that's the hardest part of school. I used to love it when I was little, all through middle school even. Maybe it's because I didn't realize how imortant my relationships with people are and I just let them come and go. Now I notice.

I just had an urge to delete this. I'm talking to someone now. Someone amazing. One reason I want school. He makes me laugh. And laughter afterall is the cureall. So I'm just going to stop, no spell check, no picture and put this out there. Take some deep breaths and move on.

Love bloglings.

Be Confident. Be proud. STRIKE!

Today was an absolutely outstanding day!!! Eeeeeek. My foot is awful, terrible, horrendous, but you know what it doesn't matter. I am proving to it that I will do what I want when I want, although the pain is incredibly draining. Excruciating from toes to knee. My thigh is covered in burst blood vessels as well. But that is perfectly alright because of why... I pitched an entire game today! AND WE WON!!!! It was amazing. I'm so incredibly proud. My coach gave me the game ball and everything !!! (see pic...!!!) Seven whole innings, strikes, plays from the mound. EEEEEEK! I work so hard and finally I got out there and worked my stuff. I love love love pitching. In the off-season, I have a life, I do other things, but during softball, it's all about softball. Amazing feeling. Amazing day :)

Tomorrow...lots and lots of work. I'm still catching up from surgery...but I'm all healed and I'll get the work done. I'm just going to want to sit all day anyway. I probably shouldn't...and won't because my Dad knows I can't or things will just get worse. But I will definitely have no desire to be up and about, this is more than a flare, but don't despair! I'm driving :)

Off to watch Sweet Home Alabama on my last night off before school returns...

Night loves!

Howdy, Neighbor. I'm Just Like You. Welcome to Suburbia.

Okay, I don't live in the suburbs by any means...but I have been reading about them in my make-up work for history class. Today has been a day of making up work because I was out of school. Pretty normal and boring stuff. Upon the completion of this blog I'm going to spend quality time with my CSIs (NY IS THE BEST!), eat dinner, go to softball practice, perhaps watch a movie FORREST GUMP!? Normal stuff. I do things you do, nothing special. At least lately... sometimes things get a little weird. But eh, happens to everyone. Just thought I'd show you that just because I come up with huge blogs...I'm not that speical...just someone who can write prolifically about nothing.

(:

Love to y'all! ♥♥♥

SO soon? JA ES IST WITCHTIG

I'm writing blogs one after the other...am I crazy... yes. Overtired...very. In pain, oh hell yes. But oh well. I read this as I lay here not sleeping and am like you know what my blog needs this NOW.

" True grit exists in the day to day behavior of those who face overwhelming challenges but still insist on sucking the marrow out of the bone of life instead of settling for scraps. True grit is speaking up to a doctor who must cover his ego because he can’t find out what is wrong with you and tells you it’s “all in your head.” It takes true grit to walk in to a new doctor’s office after experiencing a put down like that. Courage is the individual who, after a restless, pain-filled night still reaches for the alarm clock, gets out of bed and stumbles or limps to the bathroom to take the morning medications, to face a new day. Courage, valor and hope lie deep within us and we will find the seeds of their existence if we have the grit to look and don’t bury ourselves in denial, a bottle of liquor or an extra, dangerous dose of pain pills. Courage is not the absences of fear. It is walking into the face of fear and smacking it in the face. Courage is quiet and at other times, grand. It’s still courage. True grit tackles the hard way, if necessary, not the easy way. Courage is doing what you know, deep in your being, is best. Courage finds a way to go forward whether it is upright, on a crutch, in a wheelchair or at a crawl

.Beautifully said by Sue Falkner-Wood at Chronic Pain Blog(http://www.everydayhealth.com/blog/life-with-chronic-pain/it-takes-true-grit-to-live-a-life-with-chronic-pain/).

This is chronic pain. This is RSD. This is us."

From the blog of a fellow RSDerrrrr, check her out it's in the reel...Going Down Swinging.

I have one thing to say, is people out there, no matter how bitchy I get, no matter how mad at myself, mad at pain, down in the dumps, upset, whatever, I will come out. It means the world to me that you just accept I am doing the best I can with what I've been given, stand by my side, lend me a shoulder to cry on. Can anyone really be strong all the time? Is that any way to live? I'm not one for the easy way out, or I wouldn't be here bloging with you. I'm a fighter, all us RSDers and "spoonies" are. I know it's hard not to judge, so judge if you must, but also, except that you can't know, you don't know and maybe we just need someone to love us. Our pain is the furthest thing from an excuse, it really does influence everything we do even if we're super good at hiding it. We lead lives...or try to, just because it's easy for you doesn't mean it's easy for everyone. But everyone just wants to fit in, so don't make it harder for those who can't. Please, please, please. Let's make the world a little less mean. (as for highschool...ha ya right.) ;)

*Big hugs bloglings!!!!!*

Macht Neue und Sätzen Alter

Make new, cherish the old. It's like the girlscout song. Make new friends but keep the old one is silver and the others gold! I think all of us need to be more like girl scouts. We need to remember to love our "sisters" and the Earth! We need to work on harmony on this Earth. (I've been watching WALL-E, lol.) It's a great movie and it has a strong message!

Action also has a strong message. I am so proud to say I've been as much a part of RSD action as I can handle and guess what progress in a big way I have just got wind of! YAY. No the cure hasn't been found, but there's a much better chance now and that makes me so excited. Not really for me, but for other people. I'm living life now. People that RSD are ruining. Let me tell you being "diseased" as much as I hate to think of it that way, really brings you down to Earth. Whether you want to not there are tough things you have to face and wow, all the people I have met through the RSD community are amazing. They are the kindest most understanding, forgiving, generous people ever even when they don't necessarily have the means, they put their full hearts into things and I love them so much. I wish I could go to a school with just RSDers which is pathetic but true. Not just RSDers, but people who are struggling, with more than just "teenagehood". I hate teenagehood, I really do... anyways! Back to the news!

THE NEWS. THE NEWS. eeeeeeek! The House of Representatives actually did something right!!! Yay. A crappy governement (no offenese gov't) YAY YAY YAY. The bill was passed called "The National Pain Care Policy of 2009". It's very exciting and filled with lots of legalness, but I will summarize what I understand. Basically it says that the government is finally realizing it needs to shape up on it's health care for pain patients. People most commonly search out service from healthcare personnel is when they are in pain. (I wonder why?! Being in pain generally means something is not right and guess what...it's not fun!) The bill states that with proper treatment, and providing adequate pain management is insurmountably important in providing sufferers of pain conditions with the best quality of life possible. As I know from personal experience, and all my RSD buddies as well, there are usually great barriers in these people obtaining the proper care to give them the best life possible. The National Pain Care Policy Act of 2009 is designed to address many of these barriers by improving pain care research, education, training, access, outreach and care!!!!!!!!!This doesn't mean they won't fail epicly but at least they are trying. In the case of research...I say any news is good news! We don't have much to work with right now! Although I wasn't directly a part of this it boosts me up because I haven't just been sitting around hoping. I'm not big on hope. Action is my thing. MAKE new, don't "wait for new"!!! And as for the old, cherish it but don't stay attached! Making new shouldn't replace but it also shouldn't be halted. That's what I've decided.

YAY YAY YAY. RSD RESEARCH!!!

(: Night Loves. ♥

Human Punching Bag (PS: Happy Earth Day!)

I loved yesterday's picture and the day before, so I'm starting a picture trend. Today's isn't as pretty...but I mean geesh it has to fit the blog. It's actually kinda gross...sorry guys. I love the movie Rocky though! I have a craving to watch it now...darn. ): The other is cutsie though! It comes from Wall-E a must see and a very realistic view of what this world will become if we don't start caring and fast. Happy Earth day!

Today I've decided wow, I'm a human punching bag. God or whoever thinks it's funny to beat me up, well I think it's funny that they think they're going to win. I win I win haha. The thing is though, I take the most abuse from myself. I need to stop, but I can't. I am beating myself up over going against myself. It's done, over I've learned. That's not the issue. I still make excuses because I want what happened to not have happened. It felt amazing then and I hate that. I hate that all the fake felt so real and I loved it so much. I try to justify what made it that way. I can't. I hate being wrong I guess. But I was most definitely wrong and judging from the actions of others I was very stupid to believe a lot that I did. I'm not saying they're a bad person, I just think that I shouldn't have been as trusting. I fell, hard. In other words, I was stupid.

And now that that's out of the way. Eh hem. I'm going to give some movie recommendations! Why? Because I found you a picture from Rocky, so... if the shoe fits!

• Forrest Gump (favorite of all time!)



• A Time For Dancing (better than the book!)



• Alvin and the Chimpmunks (cute and hilarious)



• La Bamba (AH-MAZE-ING!)



• A Walk to Remember



• Sweet Home Alabama (okay I'm giving you a seen from this too just because I love storms and this movie!)


• WALL-E (awww robot love, and an Earth day theme!!!)


• Shrek (I-III)

And that's all I got. Sorry folks, it's a sad list. I've seen way fewer movies than I've read books. Most in my younger days as you can probably tell. But Disney and animation are amazing to sit and watch! (:

I'm actually gtg watch WALL-E right now. (Pixar, same diff. lol)

Night all. ♥

Let It Rain

This is a poster from a prior Nanowrimo. It fits today's blog and is in my English classroom; I love it! (I own no rights to it remember)

I encourage anyone who has feelings for writing to try out NaNoWriMo. Even if you know without a doubt you won't make it to 50,000 words, set a reasonable yet challenging goal and just get words on a page. It's not about writing something amazing. You'll hate it. I hated it so much, then after maybe a month off I realized wow, I have a lot I can work with. Now I am going back and writing my novel for real. It would have been a lot harder and slower if I'd just sat down one day and said, alright I'm going to write an outstanding novel. (Which, as embarrassing as it is, I tried once... hahaha let's just say...epic fail) As people always seem to be saying Rome wasn't built in a day. A novel wasn't written in a month. You're ideas get out in a month, then you begin for real. I'm going to work tonight. I'm not letting myself away from the computer until I have made decent progress. Usually I wait for inspiration and desire but it needs me desperately so I'm going to try. This thing is getting published!!!

I like writing when it's raining, which it just so happens to be. I don't know what it is but rain seems to put me in the mood to write. Perhaps it's the sound of it taping on the windows, which inspires sensory detail, or maybe just because I love the sound and it relaxes me. When I'm relaxed I turn to writing? Perhaps it may be to do with dumb RSD as well. I am in so much pain and pain fuels writing. Pain fuels a lot, but more importantly proving it wrong accomplishes things.

And so bloglings, I share with you a short little poem from my writers notebook, I wrote last night listening to the rain and bid you adieu to go and novel. xoxoxox ♥

Beating: on roofs, windshields, Earth

Under the control of: wind, temperature and mother nature

Surrounding: people, animals, structures, objects

Singing: their song.

Raindrops

fall.

Splashing,

dripping, drizzling

misting,

pounding. thunderous.

consuming, flooding

accompanying-

ruining, relaxing

Raindrops.

Kerblam!

Bloglings it has been far too long. So I am like supergirl going to recap the time we've been apart. It's going to be all thrown at you fast as I can reflect, so to make things easier...maybe...or perhaps more difficult, I don't know, I'm going to bullet and divide into two categories (: I'm special. Yay. The image (which i own no rights to) is meant to relax you, prepare you for this intense journey into the insanity of me. Do some yoga it's good for ya ;-)

Things that have happened:

• I've healed! Yay. All my yucky Dermabond stitches glue stuff has peeled and I just have tiny scars, bruising and a lil' bit of a sire tummy left.


• I went to the foot Doctor. Who said he can solve all my issues with orthodics o.O I'm not sure as though I believe that... he says RSD isn't the issue. ha. Fabulous right? My therapist and other docs. disagree. Insanity in the doctor dept! *gasp* As per usual -.-


• I got new sneakers. (by doc's recommendation) They have gold on them! Pretty snazzzy


• I got an account of Meez.com pretty cool especially when I'm being lazy and home on school break


• I've pitched a ton (:


• I unfortunately was reminded how much I suck at batting...


• I drove in my truck and for driver ed. XD I in fact drove our basketball hoop 20minutes away to my grandparent's...with it standing UP STRAIGHT in the back of my pick-up


• I did not get my hair cut


• I found out E. is dating someone. (and that he dated another person prior to this...? i think...?) *** more later in the "revelations" section.


• I've avoided noveling because I'm a bad bad girl.


• I have got all caught up on math...not other classes, need to do that some time...


• finished "The Pact" By: Jodi Picoult, AMAZING


• cleaned my room!


• bought new earrings and a pretty sundress (:


• came here to blog finally! although I should be noveling, or writing in my writer's notebook which I have an awkward relationship with lately...

And now, more personal? Well not really... more, deep thoughts. Revelations:

• RSD is something that is going to be around. It may be in remission, it may not be, but either way I just need to be as active as I can be to be happy and healthy as can be: living as unobstructed by pain as possible.


• Boys are dumb. I knew this before but it's important to not forget!


• The first time I let myself fall in love, was a lie. But it was meant to help me grow. And I did. I've learned I'm very right to resent the nature of high school relationships, to fight against strong feelings and to not trust people right away. I also ended my relationship with pain thanks to amazing things that I experienced with a person I'm sure is amazing (has some figuring out/growing up to do) and I'm thankful for it!


• Music is something I need to let myself experience more often! I love it! (same with yoga, which i was experiancing and fully enjoying frequently prior to this cyst hooplah)


• My novel stands no chance of getting published if I don't work hard at helping it!


• My writers notebook, isn't "MINE" yet because I'm still grieving the other one.


• Narcotics are BAD, BAD. Surgery is DUMB. Yet, sometimes the best option, or the only option.


• Drivers Ed may kill me.


• I need to calm down a little. But hey, that's probably been previously established.

And so things that have happened and revelations I've had since we last "spoke". any questions? l0l. I think giving you more would = OVERLOAD, superduper rumblefest. So I'll leave you with this.

Night loves ♥

Orange

I made it bloglings, I'm alive. It's been a heck of the past few days. I don't remember if I mentioned that I was having tummy pain and people were telling me to go to the doctor. You know me and doctors...not the best of friends. Well for once it's a very good thing I listened to people and went. I ended up having emergency surgery. Well, in a sense. I wasn't rushed into the OR, my ovary wasn't dying but it could have had its blood supply cut off at any point. I had a cyst the size of an orange. yes an orange. I haven't seen pictures of it, but evidently they have some. All I know is my tummy hurts worse now than it did before. D:

I no longer have an orange inside me, hooray! But now my foot is really angry, despite some strong narcotics. I don't know when I'll be back in commission either. Just sitting up is exhausting and my incisions are badly bruised. Walking is horrendous and the medicine makes me sleepy/dizzy. I home to be back to school Wednesday at the latest, we'll see. I've missed a lot and I'm worried about that, it being so close to the end of the year. Tuesday I'm supposed to go for a check-up on my foot at the hospital. I can't go to my PT appointment, obviously, it's going to be a while before I can jump and do rock climbers. Ah. D: I'm planning on going to the podiatrist and my therapist still, as long as I feel up to that amount of travel. right now I'm feeling pretty awful, but better than yesterday. So we'll go day by day. Tomorrow is Easter and I'm hoping to be able to go with the normal plans. I want to drive my truck, but not on these meds. I'm hoping to get off the strong stuff ASAP, but wow, the pain is crazy, it's like borderline RSD levels sometimes. Which is scary. But it's going to improve, so I just gotta rest I guess.

Sorry for the dull and depressing blog! I'll write again when I'm feeling better!
Love you bloglings! ♥♥♥

Elbaveilebnu

That's not German. It really does mean something. Look again. Wow, unbelievable. That's unbelievable spelt backwards.

Today was an amazing day. I got to pitch. It's so amazing, it gives me feelings of strength yet elegance. it's so hard to explain the rush you get standard their using your body and more specifically snap of your wrist to propel the ball forward, it ending in a SMACK in the catcher's mitt. I can't wait to be on the mound, surrounded by my team and hear the empire yell STRIKE. It's almost like finding out I've been published, yet on a much smaller scale. It's electrifying. It's somethings I love and have definitely missed. I'm much stronger than last time I was seriously working on my pitching. The sad thing is maybe I have my PT to thank for that. I hated her dictating what was best, even it had nothing to do with my foot, but lifting for my upper body, worked miracles. Gosh, sometimes she's right, remarkable! Speaking of which a week from Tuesday I'll be back with her. It's crazy how much it's like a vacation type thing now that it's only once a month. I know I'll hate going, I leave in tears and filled with rage, but hey, I get out of school and away from the crazies of normal teenagehood for a bit.

I miss my therapist, we have a lot of fun. I've always connected better with older (yet young) people. I think that's part of the reason my RSD buddies and I have such a strong bond, even when we're not speaking nearly enough. Every time we speak, it works. There isn't pointless arguing...I love it! I love my friends (of all shapes, size and age), my writing (oh how I thrive on it!), basketball, pitching, life. I'm loving life...and not my lazyness... My foot is getting very angry with my lack of activity while my Daddy was away. I did no PT and no yoga. Such a bad girl. it's unbelievable that I got back to it today, but I did. Now just to, do some yoga, stay as caught up on work as I am (wrote an amazing critical analysis draft today!) and get back into practicing violin, I'll be good to go. haha.

Oh school, yipee. I'm exhausted tonight and should get offline so I can start tomorrow refreshed. But I think no matter what I will, I won't be able to help being awake in my outfit. Hot pink leggings, short shorts and a bright yellow shirt covered in smiley faces.

YAY FOR HAPPY! :D

Hot Pink & Boys XD !!!

Today was a happy day (: It started off with driving time, which was successful. My teacher is really funny, we sat for like 10 minutes yelling at people (windows closed) who didn't fully stop for 2 "mississippi" seconds at the stop sign across the way, he used the emergency brake on me because he didn't think I should peel out in front of a car hehe, and he made a reference to smokey bear. What's his middle name? Do you know? Well, I do now. It's... THE. wow. lol. That has nothing to do with my title though, that was only the start of my day and my teacher nor Smokey is a boy...or hot pink... The middle portion of the day was incredibly dull and uneventful, I watched a ton of CSI, finished my movie from last night (Marley and Me...book is better!) and watched an episode of Private Practice I missed. In other words, I was a huge coach potato, until about 3 when I was like you know what I am a single, hott, amazing girl with tons of friends who I never do anything with and I'm sitting here watching TV. If I'm not going to get my butt outside and pitch or work on schoolwork what am I waiting for?! Nothing good. So I called AP, who I never see enough of. I love her so much and gosh do I miss her. I called her up, and she answered her phone!

So, we formulated a plan...mall time! Not just any mall time. I got hot pink leggings yesterday and it just so happens she got hot pink skinny jeans, so we got all "neonified" and set out on a Katarzyna/AP adventure. Oh it was great...strange...filled with laughs. We went in the photo booth, because we're cool like that and kinda made fools of ourselves trying to think of poses. The first one is just "smile" and is nice. The others...are...special. One I wasn't ready and look, not well... and another we both look like we're space cadets going "OH pretty colors!", but hey, it was fun. Being teenager is about enjoying your last bit of being carefree. And oh we were. We tried on dresses and clothes and i got two pairs of shorts. We bought candy at the candy store including sour gummy worms and baby gummy bears... hehe. We drank Cooladas from DnD and all in all it would have been a normal AH-MAZE-ING day. But then, there was the "issue" (ha not really an issue) of the boys. We've determined it was boys go to the mall day. There has never ever been that many groups of teenage/college boys in that mall ever. Everywhere were just huge groups of them. What do guys do in a mall?! It was just weird. Really weird. but hey I like this coincidence of stumbling upon guy day, the vast majority weren't awful to sit back and look at. :p

Which brings me to this. I'm going to enjoy the single life, of wearing hot pink leggings, checking out guys/flirting at the mall and living it up with my girlfriends, because it's about time. Sure, I'll be a writer still, I'm going to write right now on an English paper and my novel. I'll be the same mature me, I'll get frustrated at drama addicts and have my ups and downs. My foot will kill like it does right now. But, I'm single and ready to mingle.

Party Party Party!!! Hot pink and boys XD

oh and btw, blogger needs a hot pink font. gosh!

UGHHHHHHHHHHHhhibvnbrtrghnlkjbvcdxrfyij

OMG-sh. OMG-sh. OMG-sh.
The amount of stress I am experiencing is through the roof right now and it's my own fault. I can feel it wrenching, stabbing, throbbing, burning, etc. in my foot and up my leg as it grows more and more excruciating. I just want calm, happiness, okayness. I just want to live my life and be happy. Does that mean staying single, I really don't know. I like being single it keeps things simpler, but I also like someone and don't want to hurt them...what will hurt more, trying really hard and realizing I can't handle it or having got them all expecting...and crushing them. Neither is good. I just want it to be happy and fine. I want them to be there but not extra stress. I want it to be not complex, just CHILL. I need chill. I need a shoulder to cry on, someone to hug, someone to hold my hand. They're amazing and can do that, so why is this an issue? Too much intensity too fast, when I'm already stressed. I need something laid back, at least for now. The last thing I want to do is hurt someone but is it worth hurting myself?

UGH RSD. And if I am told it is in my freaking head and I can control it, and shit, I will flip the hell out. If you don't have RSD you don't understand, bottom line. I don't care who has what, you don't understand unless you have it, and even then everyone is different. It pisses me off that people run right over me and think they know better, it really does. I'm the only one who knows and I'll try to make my disease and life more managable for you but sorry if it's not perfect for you sweety.

I love people for trying to deal with me but maybe I'm not worth dealing with. I just want to be happy but I seem to make everything I touch a big ordeal.

UGHHHHHHHHHHH.

♥