Meine Disney Welt

"He looks at me and calls me beautiful and it's the most amazing thing in the world."
My disney world. Is what the title reads. My disney world, is being in his arms. Wow, I feel like I complete and utter sap. I'm sure you're all really sick of hearing it but hey, I spent time with E. today. He's amazing... did you know that? Well it's true. And I hope he knows that. I'll tell you random people of the internet and CT lol something really personal i guess. I have issues with trust. Whenever I trust someone they hurt me. And I really do trust him. It's scary for me. But I think that's normal i hope. I think that's part of falling for someone. Being scared you're going to lose them.

Enough with that. I'm sure you don't want to hear it, but too bad. Tommorrow I have to spend time with wild little kids at my grandparent's. My great aunts and cousins will all be there. I haven't seen them in like 2 years. So I mean it will be good...but I'd rather be doing something elese of course. Family time really isn't my thing...

What else... i have no idea. I have E. on the brain =p

I'll catch you bloglings l8rrrrr ♥♥♥

3 It's a Magic Number

"Three is a magic number, yes it is, it's a magic number.somewhere in the ancient, mystic trinity, you get three as amagic number.the past and the present and the future,faith hope and charity,the heart and the brain and the body,give you three as a magic number.

it takes three legs to make a tripod, or to make a table stand.it takes three wheels to make a vehicle called a tricycle. ev'ry triangle has three corners; ev'ry triangle has threesides.no more , no less; you don't have to guess.when it's three, you can see it's a magic number.

a man and a woman had a little baby.yes they did.they had three in the family.and that's a magic number.

three, six, nine, twelve, fifteen, eighteen,twenty-one twenty-four, twenty-seven, thirty.

three, six, nine, twelve, fifteen, eighteen,twenty-one twenty-four, twenty-seven, thirty.three times ten is thirty.

three times nine is twenty-seven.three times eight is twenty-four. three times seven is twenty-one.three times six is eighteen. three times five is fifteen.three times four is twelve, and three times three is nine,and three times two is six, and three times one is three, of course.three times one: what is it? three!that's a magic number.

a man and a woman had a little baby.yes they did.they had three in the family.and that's a magic number."

It's my third blog post in a row. Really there is nothing magical about this post at all...sorry guys. But I'd like to say TA-DA three in a row wooo. Maybe I'm done being lazy! hahaha yea right. I was lazy all day. It was dumb and now I'm going to have to do therapy. Ick. But hey, at least it's future oriented. The past, wow, it's hard to look at it. CT pointed this out and wow is she right. I have to get this out after talking to her. I need to really face some built up things. I tell her to do it, but I can't do it myself. So here goes. Bloginglings, hold onto your hats.

I am afraid of the future but looking back at the past is almost harder. Realizing that I can't remember much from before RSD. Well, 6th grade is like non-existent. 7th grade changed everything. And I remember good stuff from it too but not much. It was a really really really rough year. Anyone I met that year I'll never forget though, because I was going through so much that they either became someone I knew I'd never trust or could always. I met CH that year. Sure, we've had TONS of ups and downs, but I love her. As much as sometimes I get frustrated with her, she's stuck it out with me. She's been going through a ton of rough stuff too and I haven't been with her as much as I'd like. But we still have each other. I'm missing her and hoping we can hang out very soon. As much as we fight. Just like N and I. We'll always be together. The people that made my life hell that year really have "stuck with me" more than the friends I made. The bad memories stand out more. They shaped me more. I mean, it wouldn't have been good either way but when nearly everyone around you doesn't believe or try to understand what is going on at all, it makes it harder. Even adults. Adults tried to tell me I was using people. I COULD NOT do stuff for myself. I hated it. I had no choice. And they took me out of my class in my wheelchair knelt down to me and told me I was being mean to people. My life was living hell but I was being mean. Yea, that's exactly it. The one and only person i hate, that "relationship" developed that year. The true and utter meaness that person has within them I'd never seen before and I don't think I ever will again. Maybe it's not fair that I give them no chance, but I just know that being pushed down while on crutches, having the words cripple yelled at you everyday. Someone who can walk and run coming up behind you or blocking your way. It's scary. It's not something you forget. I don't care who they are. Or how much they don't understand what's going on. You don't do that.

I want to work on my autofightbio now as long as all this is stirring around. But I don't think I can, not now on Christmas eve. It's a piece I plan to finish and to get published someday. I want the world to hear my story in order to help others. I didn't have much of a story before RSD. Now I'm becoming who I'm meant to fighting every step of the way. It's hard to look back and think about being a "big" fifth grader thinking about middle school and high school being amazing. Thinking about playing school sports having all the same amazing friends. No, I don't have a single one of them. I lost a lot in middle school. I had really not many coming out of it. Middle school sucked. When I was little, I was so free. And I'm trying to get that back.

3 it's a magic number. I've had RSD for more than 3 years now. It's time for it to magically go into hiding.

I'm Supergirl

So let's see. Pain. Yea, not so much in the back of the bus. But it's alright. I've decided I'm supergirl. For a couple of reasons. I'd hope "you" agree if you know me, but hey if you don't it doesn't matter. This is all about me, call me selfish or what not but I'm supergirl so there.

I have decided that being a PT really isn't for me. I have been surrounded by medical personnel for way too long. I need to be surrounded by what I love not by what I hate. I am not a physical therapist. I AM a writer. I want to major in creative writing. Maybe I'm just a crazy teen who has no idea what she wants but I do know I love to write and I can picture myself surviving college reading and writing a ton. Having to do labs and internships at medical offices and seeing patients. I can't see myself doing that. I used to think I was "given" RSD so that I'd see I'm meant to help people like me. No, not at all. I can't deal with having it myself, I still long to be "normal", I can't be super positive all the time. I want to help and I'd never take RSD back if I had a time machine. It's made me better, but being surrounded by people at low points/hard points isn't inspirational. See, I love being inspired. I love writing about what moves me. I hope and think my writing can change things. I don't have to directly touch the people with my hand to touch them. I can touch them with words. I won't always write about my experience with RSD. I won't always write fiction. I don't really know what my career will be. But I'll enjoy it.

Why else am I supergirl? Pain. I have it. Others have it way worse than me. But I feel like supergirl for doing what I'm supposed to despite crying and screaming all the way. I didn't have to do it. But I did. The pain is horrendous. I am in dire need of hugs and comfort. I feel alone, but I'm surviving. I am doing this. I am supergirl.

There's more! I'm super, tomorrow I'm going to be ultra productive! I'm going to try and beat a level in Tomb Raider and also watch like 3 christmas movies I have yet to this season. *gasp*

And so bask in my superness...or just ignore me all together, whatever blows your dress up, floats your boat or your heart desires. ♥


I'm going to give you some quotes this evening. I'm just that kind.

"Don't laugh at a youth for his affectations; he is only trying on one face after another to find his own." -Logan Pearsall Smith

"My definition of a free society is a society where it is safe to be unpopular."-Adlai E. Stevenson Jr. (Speech in Detroit, 7 Oct. 1952)

"Be a craftsman in speech that thou mayest be strong, for the strength of one is the tongue, and speech is mightier than all fighting." -Maxims of Ptahhotep

"A person can learn a lot from a dog, even a loopy one like ours. Marley taught me about living each day with unbridled exuberance and joy, about seizing the moment and following your heart. He taught me to appreciate the simple things - a walk in the woods, a fresh snowfall, a nap in a shaft of winter sunlight. And as he grew old and achy, he taught me about optimism in the face of adversity. Mostly, he taught me about friendship and selflessness and, above all else, unwavering loyalty." -John Grogan, Marley and Me <---I read that before it was a movie!

"Here's a tip to avoid death by celebrity: First off, get a life. They can't touch you if you're out doing something interesting."-Kent Nichols and Douglas Sarine, Ask a Ninja

"Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again." -Rick Polito, Marin Independent Journal's TV listing for "The Wizard of Oz"

Ich vermisse dich. Ich wolle dich. Ich brauche dich.---Skilaufen

The title reads, "I miss you. I want you. I need you.---Skiing". Today I went skiing. It was really really cold. I had a blast but also I am in tons of pain. The pain and the coldness and the falling down made me wish E. was there. But hey, he's at his cousin's doing his thing and that's fine. It's just when I'm cold I'm like, hmmm I wish he was here.

So skiing, was amazing. The wind was 50mph most of the day. Frostbite was a huge possibility but I got none! Woot! the best run of the day was one I took with my dad to the "top" of the mountain. There was about 4 feet of powder down the entire trail. It was so so hard to ski. It killed my legs and both of us wiped out big time numerous times. I did a somersault! I also kicked my like 2nd vertebrate with my ski. A ski and pole went flying at one point. I got sooo much snow down my pants and back. I landed face first more than once. But it was still fun. Now I have scars to prove it. Well not scars...bruises. They hurt badly. My shins and feet are covered in them. My legs hate ski boots. But for now I say it was worth it. Tomorrow I will feel like I was hit by a truck. My foot is royally pissed already, but you know what, I'm living my life. My world does not revolve around my foot, that's just dumb.

In other news, I'm thinking about changing my whole plan for the future. It's kind of scary and really good I guess. I mean, most kids my age don't have a plan. I need to plan or at least throw ideas at myself to keep calm. the future and unknown scare me, I'll be honest. But ANYWAYS. As much as I feel like I am destined to help kids and be a PT, I feel like I AM a writer. I need to be a writer. I know it's a really rough field to succeed in, but it's what I love with my every fiber. Writing is my niche. I'd major in creative writing somewhere. I have no idea where and I have no idea what my official career would be. I need to look into this. I want something with stability. I mean I'd freelance, but I need a backup. I think having RSD is only adding to making me want to write, it makes me want to be heard more than ever. So, it just may be what I end up doing. Or maybe, I'll do neither. Maybe I'll move to Australia or Greece or somewhere I'd never imagine going. The future is the future, I'm focusing on the present. tada! Done for tonight bloglings ♥♥♥

I AM NOT Going Down to the River to Pray

I have this song from the choir concert stuck in my head and it is absolutely driving me up the wall. I wanna scream, well in fact this evening I've done a lot of that. But more details later for now, I'm telling you all I do not want to go down to the river to pray. I do not pray and I don't go to rivers. And the song "Down to The River to Pray" is angering me beyond belief. They sang it well, but I'm so so so sick of it. I'm heard it 4ish times now...? UGH. On the other hand, I love love love "Fields of Gold" which is playing right now while you read...unless you changed it, or are reading at a much later date or have your computer muted or are deaf or are tuning it out or paused it or playlist.com is having issues... etc. etc. But yes, it's mazing. AP sang it and she has the most incredible voice ever. I love her to death and I will take this time to say I have no clue what I'd do without her!!!!! She's my crazy little, evil-grinning-glamour-singing rock. CT is my karate chopping psychologist argumentative rock. E is my adorable real funny rock. N is my...stupid yet loving... twig? lol. etc. etc.

I still want to scream despite being surrounded by people that keep my grounded, my rocks and twigs...and maybe a couple leaves... but anyways. Oh what a day today was. We had in school concerts for orchestra. I wore heels. Stupid stupid stupid me wore heels. I have blisters. I have pain. And my foot is purple. That is not just because of heels. I also walked home in snow. It is winter and my foot hates winter. I'm a tad stressed... ummm I had basketball practice which although amazing...running suicides was...suicidal? Yea. My foot is MAD MAD MAD. Yea back of the bus...very empty. I need to drive up a steep hill and get those guys to slide back, cuz wow or wow they are hopping all over that line. My eyes are still open and I'm steering...but they are distracting... oh and yea, I did contrast baths like a good little girl. OWIE OWIE OWIE. They were atrocious. Now, on to more about RSD. As I said, it's not in the back of the bus, I'm falling off the wagon tonight and I need to get all this out. Letting it our helps. The tears... I could do without but they come. Pain and tears are connected sometimes they can't be helped unfortunately. I've found built up fear and stress brings them too. I have a lot of it currently. So, remission. What does it mean? I'm not really sure anymore. I mean I wasn't sure before. But I just set as this "ahhhh angel like heavenly astounding sounds". This amazing thing. I also used to say I'm going to be there. I still do say that. I mean great positive attitude but...really? Am I going to experience it. I can't over analyze and tell myself no. But it's true, it may not happen. And I'm feeling like that. I'm scared. I'm doing all this work. Sure, I'm going to be buff and like "able" to do stuff. That doesn't mean I still don't cry after anything fun and active because of my pain. It doesn't mean I'm rid of the TENS (LOVE LOVE LOVE), distraction techniques, PT and tears, lots of them. The pain is not going anywhere. They say it's last to go. They are talking about slowing treatment down. To be honest, I don't want them too. Sure, I hate it and yea I'm doing"better" but, without it, I'm going back to accepting, never. Never better. It makes me really upset. I want to believe I'll meet my goal. I'm going to be in remission by E's birthday. I say that to people, but is it true? Not necessarily. One of the issues causing this to arise. Today I had this joking argument w. CF. I know he was joking but, it hurt me, kinda a lot. Not so much that, but scared me. I was talking about auditioning for the school play in spring. He was like you can be the crippled girl. And he just kept saying that and I kept saying no no I'll be in remission then. No, I won't, remission. He didn't even acknowledge the possibility. He just kept saying it over and over. And you know. "Crippled" isn't me. It's something that is there, but you know, it's hard for it to ALWAYS be there and not have it be a part.

Maybe I do need to go to the river and pray. For some happy, sunny PAIN FREE DAYS!!!!!

PS: Pic is from the hospital, one of the first times I went.

Miracle on 34th Street

Well, I haven't watched that movie in a really long time. And it's truly not the best title but hey it's my blog, if I'm too lazy to find a good title don't judge me. (As CT would say) CT, I spent all weekend with her it was amazing. I would say it was even more amazing...but not to give her a complex I'll say, another outstanding thing was I got to spend 2 days with E. (: He's my miracle drug. He's my miracle this Christmas season. I am hoping for the miracle of remission, but I don't know if I consider it a miracle. It's kind of an iffy thing. It's like, okay fate will treat you nice for now. Even though supposedly I'm making it happen it's out of my control. My miracle drug is well, miraculous, but no pain would be even better.

This weekend was great. We cut down charlie brown Christmas trees! We saw AP's play and also went to the library and an orchestra concert. All along it was CT and Katarzyna adventures. They get pretty wild and bring many quotes. One brought about by CH but said by CT. "Your boyfriend he's chasing my dog!" CH mentioned how E. was mine. And he goes sarcastically I love how I'm a possession. I told him he wasn't but he says he doesn't care. CT tells me I don't want him as my possession because then people come to me about him. For example your dog chases the neighbor's cat and they come and complain saying "you're dog chased my cat!" except, "your boyfriend..." mhm. So yes, I'm going to try and keep E. from chasing cats... I guess?
Also, "it is not getting high it's a tree!!!" CT gives Christmas trees aspirin...? A little suspicious. Which I sound often whenever a security guard passes at the mall I'm saying something that makes me sound like a creeper...which you know I don't mind. Which sounds bad, but hey, I know I'm generally not a creeper so, it's alright. What else... hmmm. Battle scars. I say I return from my Boston therapy appointments with scars, well this weekend yielded many. CT elbowed me in the head in her sleep. That was great, I don't have a mark thankfully, because it's likely it'd be a black eye and I don't need questions... I have a bruise on my knee from where she punched me in the butt because she tripped up the stairs and I in turn fell up the stairs. My throat still feels a little funny from where she tipped a tree over on me and I was talking... a branch went down my throat. It was GROSS. And so weird... Ummm...what else. Oh my foot hates me and I left my TENS at her house. Great. She had me in sandals in like 10degree weather and my foot is pissed. It also just hates cold in general and hates me not wearing my TENS...but that's nothing new, just a result of the weekends activities. The overall result is fun memories but owie...I have some scars. We also have pictures and quotes, which "make my life."

Well I have to go work for my miracle now, that I'm calmed down a little from ranting about forgetting my TENS. My foot is already mad, so why not make it more so. After perhaps I'll get a half dosage (phone call) of my miracle drug. ? (: that'd be good. but for now, home program :'( hmph.

Zwei Woche Morgen

Two weeks tomorrow. I always used to think people who like counted weekend for dating someone, was a little obsessed, hey maybe I am. No. I just am so so so happy. I mean right now the pain is so bad, I'm in tears, but E. is on the bus too. He makes everything seem less bad. Which I don't care if it's dorky or corny or w.e it's true. My pain had been crazy, if I didn't have him, my friends might think I was boarder line suicidal and the truth is maybe I would have been. But I'm driving the bus. And E. is on the bus, so it's okay.

Today CT and I looked up pick-up lines. It started with her looking up how to say "I love you" in different languages. It progressed to me trying to find German phrases. Then German pick-up lines. Then we ended up with just pick-up lines in general. It was very exciting and I'll share some at the end.

Also, I found out the name and address of my German student. I haven't gotten to talk to her yet. I e-mailed...but no response. It kind of makes me sad, but it will also make it more exciting when I do hear from her. I'll be so busy this weekend who knows when I'll check e-mail either...
I'm living with C this weekend. I take the bus home w. her from school. Tomorrow night we're going to A.'s play. I'm sleeping over. Then we're going out on the town with her friend R. and hopefully E.! Then her mom has a cello concert which I'll be going to. Then I'm sleeping there again. This is all with PT at her house. Trying to get homework done at some point. Yucky weather. Tons of pain. And let's see...our insanity. It's going to be wild wild wild. I'm excited. And ready to present u with terrible terrible and gross lines but also a few sweet lines I came across today.


Wir wollen Ihre Kühe und Schaufe sehen.
We want to see your cows and sheep! <--- so not a pick up lone but...oh well.

Do you like Lucky charms? because you're magically delicious.

Do you want to dance? (No! Not with you.) Wait what, you must have misheard me, I said you look fat in those pants!

That's a nice set of legs what time do they open?

I like that dress it would look so good on my floor.

I'm new in town can I have directions? (To where?) You're apartment.

Want halfsies on a baby?

Now for some sweet/corny or really truly good lines!

If you stood in front of a mirror holding 11 roses you'd be looking at 12 of the most beautiful things in the world.

They say Disney World is an amazing place. Obviously "they" haven't been in your arms. <---FAVORITE!

If you had a rose for every time I thought of you, you'd be walking in a garden forever.

If beauty were time, you'd be eternity.

The spaces between your fingers were created because that's where mine fit perfectly.

If I could rearrange alphabets, I would put U and I together.

If I had a tear in my eye, I wouldn't cry for fear of losing you.


Okay too much mushy stuff. But it was fun, me and CT. have a good time. lol. I'll catch you bloglings later I need to rest up for this weekend! haha.

Things Really Have Changed

I'm not in remission, but you know I am no longer saying that I don't know what getting to live without pain is like. The reality is I don't, but it seems more attainable. The pain isn't any better, that's for damn sure, but my life is. I don't know why the bus metaphor has changed things so much but it makes so much sense. Normally I'm not into "happy shit" as I call it. I'd rather just face reality. Well, this is facing reality. The reality is torturous pain is a part of my life. It is not a part of me. I've become better because of it. I've also had to struggle a lot, but dwelling on it isn't going to change that. RSD is still really hard to deal with and really frustrating. I shrug it off more now though. I say "hello RSD, still around, great, okay moving along." there's no cure. I know that. If I get remission it could come back. Am I still scared, hell yea, but it won't ruin things. It's staying behind the do not pass line.

I have E. to help me keep the angry pain guys at the back of the bus. :] He's really great and it makes me really happy. It's amazing how just one week of being so happy has changed me. I would have been that way no matter what to some extent, but having him around, really makes it easier. He's a great guy man am I lucky. And you know, I'm glad he got to know me before he got to know RSD. My name is "Katarzyna" not Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy. Even if it has shaped me and made me who I am, and it makes me cry and I talk about it, it isn't me. I want him to know me and just be there to keep the pain as far in the back of my mind as possible. Sure, it invades my thoughts no matter what sometimes, but having him there, keeps it, at bay.

Oh on a random note N. and I are talking again. You see though, he got to know my pain a lot better than me and I think that's why we fight. I realized this will talking to my therapist in Boston. I mean I want people to know. Gosh I am being published for an essay on the importance of RSD awareness!!! But, I want them to be my friend because they can handle what I'm all about. I don't want to keep them around just because they can handle me talking about my pain. I don't want to be talking about my pain all the time. I want to talk about other things without arguing. But hey, he's dumb sometimes.

So are my other friends, but I LOVE THEM. They are so happy I'm happy which I never expected. I mean I knew or hoped so but the reaction is incredible. I'm sure being around me is much more enjoyable. You know, they still keep me going too though. When I have big owies they don't say hey I thought it was at the back of the bus, they comfort me.

Writing about AB and all she's done and talking about our relationship and why we get along as also changed me lately. I feel like it's really my job to change the world, because of all I've had to deal with. I really need to go all out and just. LIVE LIFE. And I think, I'm just about ready. (Oh and btw fyi, none of this means I'm losing touch with my RSD buddies, I LOVE THEM!)

So yes, I'm getting my life back and it's pretty darn amazing. I don't remember life before RSD, even though 4 years ago that's how things were. It's weird, I'm still not without RSD but I feel like it's so possible. It kinda makes me want to cry. Before I cried because I was scared, now I cry because I'm happy. And just maybe, remission is coming.

Wow that was a lot of rambling about the same thing... but you know that's alright. I feel like I just can't get over this. It's crazy. My PT and therapist are proud too, I'm glad. The program is getting really intense though because of it =p But, I think I can do this. And even if I can't, I'll have a bunch of people willing to keep me around just the way I am.