Ready Set Leap!!! Nach Mal...bitte?

Here I go ready or not, I'm following my feelings flat out. Bad idea, probably, but I need to stop over thinking so much. It's kind of a big deal, this deciding this, it's not just going to affect me. It's probably going to cause a lot of judgement, but you know, it also just might result in something really amazing. At least I'll know I'm being honest with them and myself. I think I might like someone, and I know it's quite possibly too soon and I'm not completely alright, but, I'm not losing my chance. I had a chance before, and I lost it. I lost it because I was being stupid and not straightforward. I'm just going to tell them all that.

Honesty, it's key.
I may not be ready,
but I want to try,
try more than anything.
I feel like we
never got our chance
I was acting foolish,
and quote frankly, you too.
Things have calmed a little
and I think maybe I'm ready for you.
Nach mal... bitte?
Another chance... please?
Ich vermisse dich.
I miss you.
I know that's sad
and it shouldn't have taken
a relationship gone awry, for me to realize this.
I wasn't ready.
I had stuff to figure out,
that's no excuse.
But I ask, nicely,
if maybe this could work.
I've ended my relationship with pain,
and I'm recovering,
I'm trying to be the best I can be,
that means not lying to myself anymore,
and definitely not to you.
I'm for real,
you know.
There's something,
maybe I'm not exactly sure,
what it is,
but this opportunity,
it means a lot
to me.
Nach mal...bitte?
We need our real chance.

♥ Perhaps I'll blog later...

Someday Being Awake Will Be Better Than Escaping Through Dreams

I apologize for the incredibly long blog title, but too bad. It sums up today's blog or at least the plan for it. I always come into writing with a plan and usually it doesn't go that way. First of all I'm going to try writing at least pieces of blogs now and again in poetry, lyrical type form. Some loser I know, does this in her blog. Check it out: Escaping Serenity, it's in the blog reel ;-)

And so,
Honesty with you all,
right now.
Living this life,
is not ideal.
I may be driving the bus,
but that doesn't mean I'm really in charge.
I can fool myself,
pretty good too,
into thinking I'm just fine,
telling myself lies.
That fake smile sometimes
it tricks me too.
It's like I'm all sucked in,
nothing is real,
I'm just kinda here,
saying things,
performing actions, that I choose,
but that I don't feel.
I feel, the pain,
it's real,
but everything else is kind of,
lost in translation.
I can't place blame, it's all me,
not doing the right thing.
I get mad at myself, but that also,
solves nothing.
I want to feel this life,
experience it to the fullest,
but lately, I just,
don't know how.
I wish someone could show me, but, I know
that's for me to figure out.
I'm trying to follow what I love,
and make things happen,
but it's like I'm pushing the easy button,
without recollection of it.
I tell myself one thing,
and another happens, something will less feeling,
because the pain takes up
SO MUCH SPACE.
There I go blaming it on the pain again,
but it's the only reason I've got.
It's me driving the bus and I push them back,
I do I do. I go to school, and practice, and get stuff done,
but it still means nothing.
Nothing at all.

Wow, that just came out and I'm not sure as though I can even figure it out. Lately things, are weird. Not bad, just not good. Pain is unreal, it's one of those never ending flares. My TENS is on the fritz and in general I'm kinda out of sorts. I guess it's one of those teen moments of finding where I fit. I'm trying to pour myself into writing, and reading and things I love ten i realize how behind I am in the things that matter to society. Like school. Like being the most amazing person to everyone all the time. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I am, but I feel like it's expected that I aim for that. I honestly don't know what I'm saying, besides that I need to try to take charge, but of what, I'm not really sure.

Oy. Maybe I need sleep, or quality time away from my life, and in those of my characters? Or perhaps Jodi's? Yea, that's it, I'll read and stop this nonsense.

Goodnight everyone.

Finally. This is Me.

I literally need to run out the door for softball practice, but I had to get this layout up. I'll be adding back all the other things, plus more maybe, later. I'll give you a real post later. But for now all I have to say, is all along I wanted this blog layout and I kept choosing other because I couldn't get past what people would think of me for using this blog layout. It's not about "them" it's about me.

♥

Too................................ Zu Viel!

Phew! I should have blogged yesterday but lately has just seemed like a whirlwind. Too much worrying and too much pain. It's becoming a major issue. Last night I slept walked for the first time in a while. It was terror terror like, which is concerning. Ick. I'm sure it has to do with stress and pain. I need to get back on track, fast. And hopefully I'll get to less pain soon! I plan to do more yoga this week! And I also plan to stop worrying and over thinking. Easier said than done. That's what is causing a lot of pain and a lot of overall doom feeling and anxiety. So, it needs to stop. I also plan to get my history reading done ASAP, so it's not a last minute thing, but I'm already cutting it pretty close. I need to mellow out about school it's really getting me again and I do better when it's not so IMPENDING DOOM like. So, deep breaths. Let's do this. No more too much this or too much that. Just right, sounds... just about right. (:

I got noveling done today !!! Which is exciting. I love writing and reading and need to spend more time with it, as well as yoga of course. Those are things I can't spend too much time with, so let's get to them! Gosh. hehe. I also found out today that I get to see one of my RSD buddies when I go to NYC with the German kids. Yay! I'm so excited for the German exchange !!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeek.. hehe. I can't wait for fundraising even! It's going to be so much fun. Fun is good. I need to soak up the fun and carefreeness of living at home and being able to just live. High school is stressful, drama filled and I hate it, but I'll never be going back after this so I have to live it up. Deep breaths deep breaths. It's just one of those nights where I feel insane. I'm really in a ton ton ton of pain and exhausted in general from all my bad "toos". So I think I'll cuddle with my computer for a bit longer before putting it to sleep, then reading and putting myself to sleep as well. School tomorrow, let me take it in stride not dread.

*sigh* ♥ Night night.

Sour Communist

Today has been an exhausting yet wonderful day. I got lots of hours of driving time, which I need to record, don't let me forget! ha. Well, I also, went out to dinner with my Grandmother, sister and cousin. I visited some friends with the truck (: I read some of my book. And as you may have noticed overhauled the blog. I found an amazing layout site and was like *gasp* I need one. I loved the others but this is by far the best so far. y

I also ate some red sour patch kids today. This may seem random, but it's where the title comes from. E. calls them the communist. Eating them made me think of him. I had an epiphany though. I'm just fine. And I like that. And the sourpatch kids, YUM XD

Anything else eventful...not particularly? My flare, is not lasting, HOORAY. I did what i was supposed to. I "therapy'd" it last night and "TENS'd" all day today. I'm still kinda emotionally stressed and a little bit over work, etc. The rain is past though, and I had fun today. Therefore, I'm not paying as badly as yesterday. Yesterday *cringe*.

All in all, a nice day and a nice evening. I'm going to snuggle with my book but sleep very soon, I is very sleepy. And content, which is weird. But I just feel okay for a second. Despite pain...
I like when this happens (:

Night bloglings. ♥

WAKE UP

As much as I want to swim sometimes,
I feel like I'm just floating,
drifting through life.
I battle and battle and then go through days of letting the current take me.
Hiding,
away from the world,
under the blankets where maybe for a second things will be okay.
They're not though.
Call me depressing,
call me, anything, it doesn't change the reality of this
"situation".
No amount of hiding, denial or tears will take this away.
Acceptance neither.
It's just there.
Preying on me,
trying to make me fall. And I do. I fall to it.
I don't want to.
I want to drive that bus, swim against the current, be me, just me
everything I hope for, dream of and desire,
I want to conquer it.
Pain shouldn't be a part of me this way.
It's not, it's something there that I can't get to go away,
then why,
sometimes do I have these days? These days when I'm exhausted, overwhelmed and taken over
by IT.


That wasn't the most poetic of pieces. I don't even know if it's a piece. It just kind of came out. The keys were pressed and there it is. It's one of those days. I'm sure you're sick of hearing it. I know I am. I'm sick of these days and I want there to be no more. I fight it, I promise. This "thing" is no way explainable. I just can't change it, it's the most frustrating thing in the world. No matter how I much I long to feel better, to rise above, push it out, it swallows me up.

Screaming, WAKE UP, doesn't bring me back. Writing here, or anywhere about it, feeds the flames but somehow makes them closer to smoldering, and going out. Flare, the word makes me cringe and have feelings flying around inside of dread and fear. That just adds to it. Everything is interconnected as, I've come to learn. Anything I feel, comes with a consequence and I guess maybe that's why I find this whole "thing" so unfair. Sure their are "conditions" insurmountably worse, but this monster, it stops you from feeling when you have the most to feel. You can't hate it, it feeds the fire. You can't be afraid and cry until your eyes ache, because the affected, taken over limb, will just ache worse. You can't be a teenager, but I AM A TEENAGER. I am me. I'm trying so so so hard to experience this, to feel this portion of my life, but I have to fight every step of the way. Being a teenager isn't easy to begin with, I get that. You're suppose to be all conflicted and immature. Well, I see this life, high school and all, as a bunch of wasted time. I want bigger things, but I have to live this first. I have to get through all this drama, drama that makes me cry and cry and cry and hurt and hurt and hurt, no matter how much i try to rise above it, in order to get to where I want to be. This immaturity, trying to hurt other people over microscopic things, is insane. You aren't who you're going to forever be, you're changing whether you like it or not and creating chaos over something isn't worth it. I know that. Then how do I get sucked in? In the middle of yelling, in the middle of having to choose sides, having to explain myself. I don't know. I don't like it.

Perhaps, it's how "it's meant to be". Clearly actually. I'm a writer and it gives me something to write about. Happy crap, is nice, but is it really exciting to read? No. People would rather see someone hurting, struggling, fighting and never catching a break. Truth is, it's more real. Reality, is a breath of fresh air in the world of fiction. It may not be true, but you can feel it, you can see it. Maybe that's why there are these days. There are these "situations." Because, I'm a writer and I need it. What a nice thought. Yay, for my writing. But that doesn't make this day, go away.


DEEP BREATH. ah.

And there you go bloglings. Some quotes?

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. " Friedrich Nietzsche

"So you see, imagination needs moodling - long, inefficient, happy idling, dawdling and puttering." Brenda Ueland

"It is folly to punish your neighbor by fire when you live next door." Publilius Syrus

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia." Charles M. Schulz

♥♥♥

:D JAWOHL! :D

I washed my truck today (: It's incredibly shiny now (: YAY YAY YAY. Ich liebe meine... Truck. Which I forget how to say in german... oh well. I have a picture for you! Of me and my baby (: YAY YAY YAY. I'm going to Germany! Yea you knew that...but last night there was a meeting about it. I am getting so so so excited. We're going to have tons of stuff going on when the German kids come. I sent Elena a huge e-mail about it. For one thing they night they get here is homecoming...so that should be interesting. We're also going to NYC sightseeing, as well as things like bonfires, glow bowling, beach, etc. They may have never seen the atlantic ocean! Crazyness. When they come, I'll have my license and I can drive Elena in my baby. Hehehehe. (: ALSO my concert is tonight! hooray! I'm excited to get out there and be amazing. I love the music we're playing.

And I need to eat food and get ready...so I leave you with all these excitingnesses... lol.

Bye bloglings. ♥

Langsamer bitte.

slow down life slow down. It's one of those nights where I feel like AH I don't want to grow up! So I'm not going to talk it to death I'm just going to let the feeling pass. It's just a feeling. My life is just fine. In fact, I sent the bus to my therapist today. The new and improved drawing of the bus which I shall post for you! Hooray. Other than that... new writers notebook :\ hmmmm. I have a piece from it I'd like to share. The only real "piece" in their so far. I wrote it in the middle of the night last night, it just kind of came out and then I read it this morning and was like, woa. So here goes:

"NO Falling"

The heat and intense, passionate emotion radiating from the intertwined bodies, could move mountains. Nestled on the floor in a corner of her room, surrounded by stuffed animals symbolizing childhood innocence, now past, but that's she dying to hold onto, she gives herself in to him, but for only an instant. It's shocking to her, she catches it. She has never felt this way before. Her insides tremble and she tears herself away from him, correcting her "wrong" feelings and bad behavior. She can't even sit beside him, not now. The paused movie is the only sound, just a slight hum coming from the player. Her heart beats in her ears and breath comes in gulps from her chest. She stayed rolled over, secluding herself, tucked in upon herself in the fetal position. She's trying to grasp hold of this feeling, so she can shove it aside.

"What's wrong?" he breaths.

"Nothing," she forces herself to reply. The impulse within her to turn to him is excruciating. She can't look at this boy; she must stay away, to herself, until normalcy returns. Feelings like this scare her. They take control away from her. They're too real. They're too much like love and trust. She can't let herself succumb to them. So, she wills them away, detaching and never fully giving in to a moment with him. As soon as it begins, it's as if she's in the semi-conscious state where you fall in a dream and leap with fear, feeling as though you truly are falling. "No falling," she repeats to herself. "No falling."

And there you go. I got like these lines and then I kept going and then I had nearly a page and so I tried for winning conclusion. And I woke up and there it was, this piece.

So, maybe I can't ask life to go slower, because I'm not in control. Maybe I have to let life lead?

Night bloglings.

Happy Chemicals

I feel so accomplished. Yay. Today was a great day. I wore one of my new shirts. It's bright coral colored XD And I went driving a ton in my baby! Yay. I also got all my work done. My paper was completed last night and polished today, I took notes for history and I practiced violin. I also did yoga AND therapy. My body is exhausted but yet it feels amazing. I feel like endorphins are coursing through me. It's a nice feeling. It kinda make me think of E. and I'm alright with that. I'm truly "healed" it doesn't make me want to be with him again, it just reminds me. I can look at that now and say aw that was amazing without wanting it back or having billions of questions run through my head. I'd say that's huge progress. DJ would be proud (: Which reminds me of how much her and I need to hang out! Ugh. Perhaps next weekend I won't have so much work...hopefully. Saturday morning I have an orchestra music festival thing...but after that, maybe I'll try and snag some time with her. I also need time with AP and CH who I never see. It's saddening and needs to be fixed ASAP.

Another thing that's saddening is that I think my writer's notebook is truly MIA forever and ever. I mean sure if it turns up I'll like cry out of joy but now I'm trying to rebuild. I mean, there's no re-doing what was there. it's irreplaceable stuff. I had a novel in there for crying out loud! But thankfully I have started inputting that novel into the computer so it's not entirely lost. As for the bus... I must draw a new one! And tomorrow I must find my therapist e-mail and send her my novel and bus! Geesh. No more moping over my notebook, let's giterdone! :p

hehe. Night Night bloglings, I'm off on some sort of adventure. I'm going to draw a bus, revise some novel and read the book I'm addicted to, Kissed By An Angel which turns out...I have the trilogy all in one book! I'm on the 2nd book already. It's AMAZING. hehehehe.


:)

Leben: schön, hübsch, spaß, AUSGEZEISCHNET!!!

Today was a happy day and yesterday was an absolutely utterly amazing day. I love happy days. I love living like like there's no tomorrow. It's absolutely, completely, fantastic. For those of you non-Germans, which I'm sure most of you are, may be wondering what the title means. Perhaps I will share that with you. Or perhaps I'll just put it at the end. So go look now if it's really killing you, or maybe just read the rest of this nonsense first.

So... I'm like big into colors and expression lately. I like am addicted to my writing, which is a problem seems how my writer's notebook is still MIA. But it will get found, it has to. I'm also being into just playing with make-up and clothes and drawings. It's very artsy. I'm into life. And fun. tonight I went to Friendly's with my basketball team. It was amazing. Laughter is the cure all. i laughed so much and just had fun. drama free absolutely spectacular fun. My foot was awful earlier because we walked downtown and like to the edge of the earth and back, but now I'm decent and I thank laughter and friends for that. Yesterday was amazing too. Even though it should have killed my foot, I was proud, I did really well. I drove a TON. YAY. With baby...hehe. And got some new shirts and shoes (: And went to a diner. Yum! the day was just amazing. I also brought my nice violin to school. Our concert is soon and I'm psyched for that too. I'm way into violin lately. I practiced like 180 minutes this week...? As apposed to like 75 a week. So good deal. Speaking of minutes, I have 9.5 hours of driving time already. yay. I can't wait to get my license and honestly a job so I can help my family out with all my crap. I hope to work in a bookstore or if not life guarding.

I finished my critical analysis of Huck Finn for English today. I worked so hard and am honestly really proud of myself. I've been really slacking on my work and not doing my best and I think my paper honestly, kicks ass. I need to really be throwing myself into English, I love it and I complain too much. In other news, i did yoga the other day and made myself proud. I am working on doing it twice a week. I just might tonight and then go to bed. If not definitely tomorrow. I have to do therapy tomorrow too though and my history homework...but I'll figure it out. I haven't done it in so long until this week. I love it. It work's on so many parts of your body too. Flexibility and strength and relaxation, all things I need and crave. So this is sehr schön (: I'm not too proud of my amount of revision work on my novel. I'm going to look at it tonight. I don't know how much I'll get done. I need to be done my revisions within the next two months or so because I want to give it to a writer of some sort, an English teacher or maybe Donna Ciocca one of my author friends. I really want to do this. You don't always get what you want, as my life shows, but I'm going to fight just as hard if not harder than I do for everything. I really care about this novel, it's getting published.

Speaking of novels, got a new book today! Hooray! I'm very book obsessed lately as well. I have Forrest Gump to finish for history. I don't like the book nearly as good as the movie but I'll get through it. I have 3 other unread books, two of which are very new. (One from today) So for tonight
I have some book recommendations for you instead of quotes.

• anything by Jodi Picoult: SHE'S AMAZING. My favorite author (:


• specifically: My Sister's Keeper Nineteen Minutes I've only read those too but have read of Tenth Circle, Vanishing Acts, etc. I bought, The Pact today and it looks amazing. duh.


• Somebody Like You By: Sarah Dessen, one of my all time favorites


• The Gift By: Danielle Steele, touching, amazing


• Kissed By an Angel By: Elizabeth Chandler, one of my other new books, just started and it's fantastic so far, it's also in a trilogy so i'll probably read/recommend the rest


• The Nature of Jade By: Deb Caletti, it's an acquired taste, I could really relate to the main character


• The BFG By: Roald Dahl, it's a classic, fantasy for maybe younger kids but I've always loved it since when I read it as a 3rd grader and now for like the 12th time


• Marley and Me By: John Grogan, probably heard of the movie which I haven't seen, the book is awesome


• Diary Queen By: Catherine Gilbert Murdock, the sequel is also great


• The Good Good Pig By: Sy Montgomery, cute, charming, non-fiction much like Marley and Me but with a pig


• Sisterhood of The Traveling Pants By: Ann Brashares, in my mind it's a classic


• Forgotten Fire By: Adam Bagdasarian


• The Giver By: Lois Lowry, WONDERFUL, perhaps a more acquired taste, yet so so so amazing


• The Catcher in The Rye By: J.D. Salinger, one of those like it or don't, very transcendentalist


• Lost It BY: Kristen Tracy, probably considered typical teen book, but I saw it as having a deeper meaning


• A Walk to Remember By: Nicholas Sparks, I dare you to not cry, i think it's impossible


• A Time For Dancing By: Davida Wills Hurwin, touching, but I'd suggest the movie over the book


• 13 Little Blue Envolopes By: Maureen Johnson, loved it! cool idea


• A Great and Terrible Beauty By: Libba Bray, just finished it, really good, very different but addicting, I'm planning on reading it's followers as well


• Crooked By: Laura and Tom McNeal , read it couple years ago I know I loved it but it's fuzzy on details right now...


• Memoirs of a Geisha By: Arthur Golden, compelling, eye-opening, beautiful


• A Mango Shaped Space By: Wendy Mass, eye-opening, really cool


• Where The Red Fern Grows By: Wilson Rawls, very well written, tears tears tears


• All American Girl By: Meg Cabot, utterly fantastic, read the sequel and you'll still want there to be more

And there you have it. Some books. The could be so many more! GO out there and read people! Gosh! Oh and I forgot the most important one of all:

Stop: Cue Living Hell By: ME!

You all better read it when it's out! :p lol

Oh yea...btw the title means, Life: Beautiful, Pretty/Cute, Fun, Excellent

Night night loves ♥

Die Frühling Kommt!

Spring is here! Well, i mean, dare I say that?! Snow is still possibly, but as far as I know, not likely. The first day of Spring is tomorrow. Hooray. I'm getting wicked excited for softball season, I missed it last year. I'm also excited to say Boston and I are at the beginning of the end of our relationship...for now. I am hoping to maybe attend college there, but as for the hospital, trips are getting few and far in between. It's nice. I don't go back for a month. I might call and check up with my therapist before then, but otherwise, I'm just living. I'm writing too...but not as much! UGH. My writers notebook ): I really think it might be gone :-'( I need to search until I pass out tonight and ask all teachers at school if I cannot locate it. I miss it! The bus is in there! I mean, I'm driving my bus (and truck tomorrow!!!!!!! YAY) but the picture of it, the amazing bus drawing, is in my writers notebook ): One of my novel's is in there! Not the most important one, the one that's going to published in 2010, hopefully, but still it's important! And tons of poetry! And just amazingness! Ugh. Otherwise hmmm...spring feverrrrr. I'm just feeling happy and like wheeeee life. It's perdy darn nice. he. Oh! And I'm going to do yoga this evening (: I haven't in so long, but it's going to be amazing...asuming I don't pull anything, have a bad flare from it or flip out because the disc won't play. (: Was sonst? (What else?) oh! Check out: TeenInk.com. It's a website for teen writers. It's filled with teen writing. It's a magizine as well. I'm published on the site (the RAW version) So that's pretty cool. I'm hoping to work on some of my shorter pieces (aka not novels) and submit them to there at some point. So yeaaaa... also, always be checking for new links, blogs and features, I love making my blog more amazing XD So00o0o0o0o0 hmmm... I should probably get to doing things that I want/above mentioned...but chilling here in my bed rambling on in my blog, is, nice. So I'll give you some quotage.

Quotage

"Love is an irrestitable desire to be irrisitably desired." Robert Frost

"See, the problem is God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams

"Don't try to solve serious matters in the middle of the night." Phillip K. Dick

"It is easier to exclude harmful passions than to rule them, and to deny them admittance than to control them after they have been admitted." Seneca

"[Sleep is] the golden chain that ties health and our bodies together. " Thomas Dekker

"[Spring is] when life's alive in everything. " Christina Rossetti

My Baby is Home!!!!!!!

No bloglings, you be fully aware if I had become impregnated and had a child. I did not and am not planning on it. My baby aka MY TRUCK! Well in all technically my daddy's but we share. It's really my baby though. I love it love it love it. I got home Friday and there it was! All shiny and gorgeous!!! I went driving and got gas Friday night and today I: a) bought an air freshener b) Febreezed the seats c) aired it out and sat in the back reading my book d) burned some tunage for it I'm so so thankful to have a vehicle! Before you know it, NO MORE CABS!!!!!!! And did I mention...it's gorgeous? hehehehe.

Was sonst?????? Hmmmm. Perhaps some quotage. I'm in a reading writing mood lately. This is good. but I'm not in the mood for revising my critical analysis paper on "the Scarlett Letter" this is bad. It's due Tuesday and mine is HORRIBLE. Oh my. The first time I wrote it, it was just complete bs. I didn't try at all and I'm disappointed in that. So now I have a ton of work to do. it will get done I just need to focus. I got two new books yesterday! YAY. Forrest Gump, which I got because a) I love the movie and just found out it's a book and b) it's for history class. There will be a critical analysis due on that shortly as well. And one on Huck Finn. Oy teachers! I want to work on my novel and other pieces. Not critical analysis. URGH. But oh well, that's life. lol. Oh! The other book I got is called "Kissed By an Angel". It looks really really good.

So things are...amazing. Hopefully I will come out of this weekend with work done... :\
Monday is hospital day ):
I'm so worried because it's like a major turning point. I'm going to see the doctor in addition to my therapist and PT. D: I just feel like it's really going to hit home that, this is it. Like there's going to be no more options, I'm just going to have to deal with all the unknown and owies. I don't like that thought very much. but I know that's pretty much 99.9% definite going to happen. Huge flare tonight...not as rough PT lately...hmmm connection? duh.
But I am going to be trying to do yoga twice a week versus weightlifting. I think that'll be good. i don't know, I hate planning for the future, it forces me to think about longterm things... ick. I mean if it's my writing that's one thing, I can deal with that. it's my happy. But... RSD and medical, ICKY. Oh well, gotta do what you gotta do. And I got reading material (A Great and Terrible Beauty needs to get finished so I can start Forrest and have one book @ a time!) so I gotta stop rambling! :D


Quotage:

"What I`ve learned is not to change who you are, because eventually you`re going to run out of new things to become." Taylor Swift
"I'm not a princess. This ain't a fairytale. I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet. Lead her up the stairwell.
This ain't Hollywood. This is a small town. I was a dreamer before you went and let me down.
Now it's too late for you and your white horse, To come around." Taylor Swift
"'Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
And when you're fifteen, don't forget to look before you fall I've found time can heal most anything
And you just might find who you're supposed to
didn't know who I was supposed to be at fifteen." Taylor Swift
(Oh yea... I'm wicked into Taylor Swift right now. Not usually my style, but gosh, I LOVE HER. Ich brauche CDs!)
"Life is just a mirror, and what you see out there, you must first see inside of you." Wally "Famous" Amos
"Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. " Fran Lebowitz
"Music is the only language in which you cannot say a mean or sarcastic thing. " John Erskine
"Words, once they are printed, have a life of their own. " Carol Burnett
"Writing gives you the illusion of control, and then you realize it's just an illusion, that people are going to bring their own stuff into it." David Sedaris
"You don't need to outdo the competition. It's expensive and defensive. Underdo your competition. We need more simplicity and clarity. " Jason Fried
"I know love and lust don't always keep the same company. " Stephanie Meyer (no i haven't read twilight and am not going to!)
"Dwell not upon thy weariness, thy strength shall be according to the measure of thy desire. " Arab Proverb
"Laughter is the closest distance between two people." Victor Borge

Adieu ♥

"Insert"

In other words I can't think of a good blog title. Hmmm just randoms tonight. I might even dig up some quotes for ya. I mean there is a quote of the day and German word of the day now no matter what now, but I just feel like finding you some quotes. I just might. It's a bloggly evening, I don't know. Prolly cuz...my writers notebook is missing! And my foot is doing decent and things are pretty chill. I am all caught up on work and... DUN DUN DUN!!! Tomorrow I'm getting my truck. I'm so excited. My dad went and tested it one last time today. He told me it looked so pretty. I'm like YAY. I cannot wait. (: (: (:

So I spent the afternoon watching CSI: NY which I'm newly addicted to. (well CSI in general). So that was fun. I played Scrabble with my mother. Always a pleasure hehe. I won before we subtracted extra tiles and she officially one cuz i had 5 tiles worth 2o points plus one. ick. hmmm was sonst? what else... oh! Lately I've been addicted to playing "Our Song" By Taylor Swift onmy violin. It's so fun and I love the song. I'm really into Taylor Swift which is weird, I never would have imagined that. She seems so real though from what I've seen of her. I love real people. Part of the reason E. was like BAM! I must have him! haha. Which also reminds me how I was going to say, DJ, my friend since like 7th grade, is really amazing and I'm just realizing this more and more lately. She knows E. and myself and has been kinda helping me get perspective and chill out. It's part of the reason we're so good now. (e. and I.) I was realizing her and AP are like two of the only people I've known and talked to quite a bit, for a long period of time (2+ years) that haven't pulled the "i'm not your friend anymore" stuff. I mean usually it gets resolved but I'm just saying and pointing out how astounding that is. I love them for that. And I will obviously try to make sure it stays that way, but misunderstanding and conflict happens.

I think there's misunderstanding or at least ignorance of what happened last time @ the hospital. People's wishful thinking is stopping them from seeing that really this might not go away. I've accepted that. And I know others don't want to. But they don't have to live with it. Just me and I try for fake smiles as often as possible. I mean, real ones too obviously, but I mean even when pain is bringing me down. I don't know, I hope remission comes someday but I know right now they're in the process of telling me goodbye for now, good luck. And that's okay. I'm a big girl, I've faced it alone just fine before.

Hmmm... I don't know. I'm reading "A Great and Terrible Beauty" it's really cool. That's what I'm going to do right now once I'm done here. It's kinda fantasyish which I normally shun...but I like it for one reason or another. I think because it's about a girl and her non-conformity and I so go for that. Which reminds me of how I need a book for history. I'm thinking maybe a Jodi Picoult book. The only criteria is within the US and 1941-present. So I mean, that's pretty easy. And I like that Picoult's books usually (all the time?) happen in NH or the surrounding area. They're very real and meaningful too. I wish I could have gone to her book signing on Wednesday last week but... no ): darn. Oh well. So books books books. yay. hehehe.

"I cannot live without books." Thomas Jefferson
"There was a time when the world acted on books; now books act on the world." Joseph Joubert
"Books had instant replay long before televised sports." Bert Williams
"Next to acquiring good friends, the best acquisition is that of good books." Charles Caleb Colton
"A dose of poison can do its work but once. A bad book can go on poisoning minds for generations." William Murray
"The cure for writers cramp is writer's block." Inigo de Leon
"The waste basket is a writer's best friend." Isaac Bashevis Singer
"No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader." Robert Frost
"A professional writer is an amateur who didn't quit." Richard Bach
"The writer must write what he has to say, not speak it." Ernest Hemingway
"Literary imagination is an aesthetic object offered by a writer to a lover of books." Gaston Bachelard

I'm sleepy. Night night. ♥

Good Bye Aunt Flo!

First off, timing not so perfect on this whole break-up thing, but hey, I'm glad I had the weekend. I was having a visit from aunt-Flo and was a little more dramatic than I may have been otherwise. she's gone now. and I'm going out on the other side. Sure I'm still hurt and confused about the break-up but you know I've accepted that that's how it is. I'm finally beginning to be okay I realized today through talking to my friend D that I don't regret anything and i didn't do anything wrong. And that, he wants to be my friend and has a good heart, so everything will be okay. Time heals most wounds... I've been told I don't feel like it's wasted time, i mean, he treated me right and we had fun. Even though I wish things were different than they are now. It's all going to be okay. I can't picture what happened then, like my first kiss and first love, as any better. He is a nice boy. And even though things are hurting and rocky, I have no regretsss and I know I'll be just fine.
So there I think I finally got it settled. Yay, I'm sure you're glad for the end of the melodramatics. hehe.

On another note. Another "section" is closing this chapter. treatment. Monday I go and see the doctor as well as my therapist and PT. Then it's going to be maybe four weeks till I go again. We're slowly detaching me from them and getting me ready to march on to my life with RSD. I kinda wish things with E. could have been like that. Like I got a warning and then he was there maybe not as close but to support me and for us to talk it through and the hugs and the holding hands and then slowly I'd let go because I didn't have a choice. But it didn't and it'd be weird if it did. I'd kinda like to just get mad and say I'm done with treatment than half to slowly part with it. Which seems weird maybe... but it's parting because it's like, we're writing you off, telling you this is your life now, sorry. But hey, my life will be amazing, no doubt. and bloglings it will be chronicled here form your viewing pleasure. HA.

Night all.

Dear Bloglings...

I'd like to apologize form not being my inspirational self. Hey maybe watching me be all confused and pathetic is helping someone and if it is, that amazes me and I'm glad. I come to you because no one else should have to listen to it. I'm sure they're really sick of hearing it. I'm really sick of feeling it. But it needs to come out. I don't know what to feel. I hate it. My heart is like WTF?! And I'm like in semi-shock slash idk what... I just I can't feel better and I hate it. I want to. I really really do want to be everything okay.

It'd be more okay if my foot didn't scream yell and cause a scene on top of all this. It's just reminding me constantly you're upset, you're upset. And I hate it. I need to stop being upset, but my inside feel like BLAHohn BOFjgr ebfvidoewmb4rihvgu8igxd5rhugfdfghjukolokhgfdsdfgy
hjukilojhgtferw324567890i8uy7t543ew3e4t56y78uiougfdsdfghjkloi675re4wedfrghi8u
ytresdxcfvbhjiuy7t6rdefcgvbhjiuyt6rdfcvbghji8uy7t65rdecfvbghjiuy7t65redcfvbhjuy7t65rd
fcgvbhjuyt65rdfvcvbghjuyt65rdcvbhuyt565rdcfvbhuytrdfcvbghuytrdcfvghjuy7tfrgvbhjuy.

So there. UGH.

Ich Weiß Nicht

I tried to act like I had it all together. You could probably tell I don't. But hey, that's fact. I just need to convince my heart that it's no longer his. Even though it really wishes it was. Sometimes, shit happens. I know I'll feel better but for now all that is playing in my head is what I don't have. I'll get to where I'm looking at what I do have without him, but right now, I don't know what to do. I'm just kinda here, trying to be strong. I love him so much and I'm really getting that, that doesn't matter, things aren't going back. And I just have to accept. It's going to take time. for now, I really just don't know. Ich weiß nicht.

Love you bloglings. You know I'm better than this, that I'll be just fine. I should be just fine already. I'm stronger than letting a guy control how I feel. But hey, we slip up sometimes. ♥

I Will

So, for those of you that aren't just my bloglings but my living breathing in the flesh friends and acquaintances you know that this week has been a rough one. But you know, I've decided I will be okay. Obviously. Not being okay is a frequent occurrence for me, but I end up just fine. And I will. E. and I aren't together anymore, his decision. I understand completely that sometimes you just have to work through stuff on your own. I have so much going on. Maybe it will be good for both of us to refocus and like work through stuff without worrying about a relationship. Even though, I'd like to be there for him and have him there. He's my happy. But hey, I have other happy. I love him and I figure from what I've heard, love will prevail? Hopefully. If not, someday, I'll get over it. But right now, I'm just accepting what happened and hoping for the future. Damn hope again, yipee.

Otherwise things are just kinda wooo. I have lots of work. My foot is incredibly pissed off because I've been upset. My grandmother was in the hospital (but alright now). But I'm okay. Played basketball today (: And I might get out and play catch (softball) which would be amazing. It's gorgeous out. I also may go see my truck :D YAY.

Oh... btw new blog layout? Ya dig?

haha wow. Xp

Schmerz Leben

Leben means to live. Obviously the entire time my blog has been available to the internet world I've been alive. I've had times that weren't so great and times that were outstanding. Today's blog is, about Schmerz Leben. Pain Life. It sounds depressing and I'm not trying to be that way but I have a little few stories to share. Read them... or don't, I care not.

First of all let me tell you about last night. It was a Sunday. Sunday's and I have a long history. When I was younger they were the worst nights for night terrors and no sleep. Well last night was just like that, except, I wasn't screaming and incoherent for no explainable reason. I was screaming, crying, coughing, coughing because the pain had taken me to another world. This hasn't happened recently and holy cow I was in no state to handle it. I was to say the list a ginormous mess. It just gets so bad, you're living it. Like it's you instead of you. It's a really unexplainable thing, but I needed to try to explain it to maybe give myself some piece of mind. Like I know it happened but I feel like it didn't exist... if that makes any sense... I'm sure it doesn't. Mind you I'm still in a huge flair worsening by the moment.

Otherwise this post is about my pain life, effecting my REAL life. My writing especially. I've wanted to for a while now start a website. A website dedicated to RSD awareness, teens and my writing. I think it'd be really cool to share stories of my RSD buddies, and my experience, through my writing. It'd be cool to create something to help people and to display my writing. the thing is I keep backing down for a number of reasons. One of the main ones is copyrightness. I'm worried that my writing will get stolen and I have a lot planned for it. Also, i want to share links and experience with other sites/people but I need to make sure I can. I think the site will get up eventually. there will definitely be a link here and vice versa. I just need to set my mind to it.

My novel, needs TLC that I can't give it currently. We need some space from one another, but it will get it, in due time. My essay about RSD awareness is newly edited and off to a magazine for possible publication! I am planning on submitting a bunch of other pieces to this magazine and possibly other places. I have a hunger for my writing to get out into the world. I can't say as though that's because of RSD. RSD influences what I write about, but not so much how my writing and I work together. I'm still the same writer, with new experiences and knowledge.

So basically, pain life and real life are in a huge battle against one another. I don't know what to do. How to stop the ongoing toss and turning at night. How to just say GO AWAY and make it really happen. But I'm trying to do amazing things none the less... or at least, normal things, everyday things, not letting it stop me. But sometimes that pain life is my life and that's quite not alright. Yet, I'm of course, forever fighting. ♥