Meine Disney Welt

"He looks at me and calls me beautiful and it's the most amazing thing in the world."
My disney world. Is what the title reads. My disney world, is being in his arms. Wow, I feel like I complete and utter sap. I'm sure you're all really sick of hearing it but hey, I spent time with E. today. He's amazing... did you know that? Well it's true. And I hope he knows that. I'll tell you random people of the internet and CT lol something really personal i guess. I have issues with trust. Whenever I trust someone they hurt me. And I really do trust him. It's scary for me. But I think that's normal i hope. I think that's part of falling for someone. Being scared you're going to lose them.

Enough with that. I'm sure you don't want to hear it, but too bad. Tommorrow I have to spend time with wild little kids at my grandparent's. My great aunts and cousins will all be there. I haven't seen them in like 2 years. So I mean it will be good...but I'd rather be doing something elese of course. Family time really isn't my thing...

What else... i have no idea. I have E. on the brain =p

I'll catch you bloglings l8rrrrr ♥♥♥

3 It's a Magic Number

"Three is a magic number, yes it is, it's a magic number.somewhere in the ancient, mystic trinity, you get three as amagic number.the past and the present and the future,faith hope and charity,the heart and the brain and the body,give you three as a magic number.

it takes three legs to make a tripod, or to make a table stand.it takes three wheels to make a vehicle called a tricycle. ev'ry triangle has three corners; ev'ry triangle has threesides.no more , no less; you don't have to guess.when it's three, you can see it's a magic number.

a man and a woman had a little baby.yes they did.they had three in the family.and that's a magic number.

three, six, nine, twelve, fifteen, eighteen,twenty-one twenty-four, twenty-seven, thirty.

three, six, nine, twelve, fifteen, eighteen,twenty-one twenty-four, twenty-seven, thirty.three times ten is thirty.

three times nine is twenty-seven.three times eight is twenty-four. three times seven is twenty-one.three times six is eighteen. three times five is fifteen.three times four is twelve, and three times three is nine,and three times two is six, and three times one is three, of course.three times one: what is it? three!that's a magic number.

a man and a woman had a little baby.yes they did.they had three in the family.and that's a magic number."

It's my third blog post in a row. Really there is nothing magical about this post at all...sorry guys. But I'd like to say TA-DA three in a row wooo. Maybe I'm done being lazy! hahaha yea right. I was lazy all day. It was dumb and now I'm going to have to do therapy. Ick. But hey, at least it's future oriented. The past, wow, it's hard to look at it. CT pointed this out and wow is she right. I have to get this out after talking to her. I need to really face some built up things. I tell her to do it, but I can't do it myself. So here goes. Bloginglings, hold onto your hats.

I am afraid of the future but looking back at the past is almost harder. Realizing that I can't remember much from before RSD. Well, 6th grade is like non-existent. 7th grade changed everything. And I remember good stuff from it too but not much. It was a really really really rough year. Anyone I met that year I'll never forget though, because I was going through so much that they either became someone I knew I'd never trust or could always. I met CH that year. Sure, we've had TONS of ups and downs, but I love her. As much as sometimes I get frustrated with her, she's stuck it out with me. She's been going through a ton of rough stuff too and I haven't been with her as much as I'd like. But we still have each other. I'm missing her and hoping we can hang out very soon. As much as we fight. Just like N and I. We'll always be together. The people that made my life hell that year really have "stuck with me" more than the friends I made. The bad memories stand out more. They shaped me more. I mean, it wouldn't have been good either way but when nearly everyone around you doesn't believe or try to understand what is going on at all, it makes it harder. Even adults. Adults tried to tell me I was using people. I COULD NOT do stuff for myself. I hated it. I had no choice. And they took me out of my class in my wheelchair knelt down to me and told me I was being mean to people. My life was living hell but I was being mean. Yea, that's exactly it. The one and only person i hate, that "relationship" developed that year. The true and utter meaness that person has within them I'd never seen before and I don't think I ever will again. Maybe it's not fair that I give them no chance, but I just know that being pushed down while on crutches, having the words cripple yelled at you everyday. Someone who can walk and run coming up behind you or blocking your way. It's scary. It's not something you forget. I don't care who they are. Or how much they don't understand what's going on. You don't do that.

I want to work on my autofightbio now as long as all this is stirring around. But I don't think I can, not now on Christmas eve. It's a piece I plan to finish and to get published someday. I want the world to hear my story in order to help others. I didn't have much of a story before RSD. Now I'm becoming who I'm meant to fighting every step of the way. It's hard to look back and think about being a "big" fifth grader thinking about middle school and high school being amazing. Thinking about playing school sports having all the same amazing friends. No, I don't have a single one of them. I lost a lot in middle school. I had really not many coming out of it. Middle school sucked. When I was little, I was so free. And I'm trying to get that back.

3 it's a magic number. I've had RSD for more than 3 years now. It's time for it to magically go into hiding.

I'm Supergirl

So let's see. Pain. Yea, not so much in the back of the bus. But it's alright. I've decided I'm supergirl. For a couple of reasons. I'd hope "you" agree if you know me, but hey if you don't it doesn't matter. This is all about me, call me selfish or what not but I'm supergirl so there.

I have decided that being a PT really isn't for me. I have been surrounded by medical personnel for way too long. I need to be surrounded by what I love not by what I hate. I am not a physical therapist. I AM a writer. I want to major in creative writing. Maybe I'm just a crazy teen who has no idea what she wants but I do know I love to write and I can picture myself surviving college reading and writing a ton. Having to do labs and internships at medical offices and seeing patients. I can't see myself doing that. I used to think I was "given" RSD so that I'd see I'm meant to help people like me. No, not at all. I can't deal with having it myself, I still long to be "normal", I can't be super positive all the time. I want to help and I'd never take RSD back if I had a time machine. It's made me better, but being surrounded by people at low points/hard points isn't inspirational. See, I love being inspired. I love writing about what moves me. I hope and think my writing can change things. I don't have to directly touch the people with my hand to touch them. I can touch them with words. I won't always write about my experience with RSD. I won't always write fiction. I don't really know what my career will be. But I'll enjoy it.

Why else am I supergirl? Pain. I have it. Others have it way worse than me. But I feel like supergirl for doing what I'm supposed to despite crying and screaming all the way. I didn't have to do it. But I did. The pain is horrendous. I am in dire need of hugs and comfort. I feel alone, but I'm surviving. I am doing this. I am supergirl.

There's more! I'm super, tomorrow I'm going to be ultra productive! I'm going to try and beat a level in Tomb Raider and also watch like 3 christmas movies I have yet to this season. *gasp*

And so bask in my superness...or just ignore me all together, whatever blows your dress up, floats your boat or your heart desires. ♥


I'm going to give you some quotes this evening. I'm just that kind.

"Don't laugh at a youth for his affectations; he is only trying on one face after another to find his own." -Logan Pearsall Smith

"My definition of a free society is a society where it is safe to be unpopular."-Adlai E. Stevenson Jr. (Speech in Detroit, 7 Oct. 1952)

"Be a craftsman in speech that thou mayest be strong, for the strength of one is the tongue, and speech is mightier than all fighting." -Maxims of Ptahhotep

"A person can learn a lot from a dog, even a loopy one like ours. Marley taught me about living each day with unbridled exuberance and joy, about seizing the moment and following your heart. He taught me to appreciate the simple things - a walk in the woods, a fresh snowfall, a nap in a shaft of winter sunlight. And as he grew old and achy, he taught me about optimism in the face of adversity. Mostly, he taught me about friendship and selflessness and, above all else, unwavering loyalty." -John Grogan, Marley and Me <---I read that before it was a movie!

"Here's a tip to avoid death by celebrity: First off, get a life. They can't touch you if you're out doing something interesting."-Kent Nichols and Douglas Sarine, Ask a Ninja

"Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again." -Rick Polito, Marin Independent Journal's TV listing for "The Wizard of Oz"

Ich vermisse dich. Ich wolle dich. Ich brauche dich.---Skilaufen

The title reads, "I miss you. I want you. I need you.---Skiing". Today I went skiing. It was really really cold. I had a blast but also I am in tons of pain. The pain and the coldness and the falling down made me wish E. was there. But hey, he's at his cousin's doing his thing and that's fine. It's just when I'm cold I'm like, hmmm I wish he was here.

So skiing, was amazing. The wind was 50mph most of the day. Frostbite was a huge possibility but I got none! Woot! the best run of the day was one I took with my dad to the "top" of the mountain. There was about 4 feet of powder down the entire trail. It was so so hard to ski. It killed my legs and both of us wiped out big time numerous times. I did a somersault! I also kicked my like 2nd vertebrate with my ski. A ski and pole went flying at one point. I got sooo much snow down my pants and back. I landed face first more than once. But it was still fun. Now I have scars to prove it. Well not scars...bruises. They hurt badly. My shins and feet are covered in them. My legs hate ski boots. But for now I say it was worth it. Tomorrow I will feel like I was hit by a truck. My foot is royally pissed already, but you know what, I'm living my life. My world does not revolve around my foot, that's just dumb.

In other news, I'm thinking about changing my whole plan for the future. It's kind of scary and really good I guess. I mean, most kids my age don't have a plan. I need to plan or at least throw ideas at myself to keep calm. the future and unknown scare me, I'll be honest. But ANYWAYS. As much as I feel like I am destined to help kids and be a PT, I feel like I AM a writer. I need to be a writer. I know it's a really rough field to succeed in, but it's what I love with my every fiber. Writing is my niche. I'd major in creative writing somewhere. I have no idea where and I have no idea what my official career would be. I need to look into this. I want something with stability. I mean I'd freelance, but I need a backup. I think having RSD is only adding to making me want to write, it makes me want to be heard more than ever. So, it just may be what I end up doing. Or maybe, I'll do neither. Maybe I'll move to Australia or Greece or somewhere I'd never imagine going. The future is the future, I'm focusing on the present. tada! Done for tonight bloglings ♥♥♥

I AM NOT Going Down to the River to Pray

I have this song from the choir concert stuck in my head and it is absolutely driving me up the wall. I wanna scream, well in fact this evening I've done a lot of that. But more details later for now, I'm telling you all I do not want to go down to the river to pray. I do not pray and I don't go to rivers. And the song "Down to The River to Pray" is angering me beyond belief. They sang it well, but I'm so so so sick of it. I'm heard it 4ish times now...? UGH. On the other hand, I love love love "Fields of Gold" which is playing right now while you read...unless you changed it, or are reading at a much later date or have your computer muted or are deaf or are tuning it out or paused it or playlist.com is having issues... etc. etc. But yes, it's mazing. AP sang it and she has the most incredible voice ever. I love her to death and I will take this time to say I have no clue what I'd do without her!!!!! She's my crazy little, evil-grinning-glamour-singing rock. CT is my karate chopping psychologist argumentative rock. E is my adorable real funny rock. N is my...stupid yet loving... twig? lol. etc. etc.

I still want to scream despite being surrounded by people that keep my grounded, my rocks and twigs...and maybe a couple leaves... but anyways. Oh what a day today was. We had in school concerts for orchestra. I wore heels. Stupid stupid stupid me wore heels. I have blisters. I have pain. And my foot is purple. That is not just because of heels. I also walked home in snow. It is winter and my foot hates winter. I'm a tad stressed... ummm I had basketball practice which although amazing...running suicides was...suicidal? Yea. My foot is MAD MAD MAD. Yea back of the bus...very empty. I need to drive up a steep hill and get those guys to slide back, cuz wow or wow they are hopping all over that line. My eyes are still open and I'm steering...but they are distracting... oh and yea, I did contrast baths like a good little girl. OWIE OWIE OWIE. They were atrocious. Now, on to more about RSD. As I said, it's not in the back of the bus, I'm falling off the wagon tonight and I need to get all this out. Letting it our helps. The tears... I could do without but they come. Pain and tears are connected sometimes they can't be helped unfortunately. I've found built up fear and stress brings them too. I have a lot of it currently. So, remission. What does it mean? I'm not really sure anymore. I mean I wasn't sure before. But I just set as this "ahhhh angel like heavenly astounding sounds". This amazing thing. I also used to say I'm going to be there. I still do say that. I mean great positive attitude but...really? Am I going to experience it. I can't over analyze and tell myself no. But it's true, it may not happen. And I'm feeling like that. I'm scared. I'm doing all this work. Sure, I'm going to be buff and like "able" to do stuff. That doesn't mean I still don't cry after anything fun and active because of my pain. It doesn't mean I'm rid of the TENS (LOVE LOVE LOVE), distraction techniques, PT and tears, lots of them. The pain is not going anywhere. They say it's last to go. They are talking about slowing treatment down. To be honest, I don't want them too. Sure, I hate it and yea I'm doing"better" but, without it, I'm going back to accepting, never. Never better. It makes me really upset. I want to believe I'll meet my goal. I'm going to be in remission by E's birthday. I say that to people, but is it true? Not necessarily. One of the issues causing this to arise. Today I had this joking argument w. CF. I know he was joking but, it hurt me, kinda a lot. Not so much that, but scared me. I was talking about auditioning for the school play in spring. He was like you can be the crippled girl. And he just kept saying that and I kept saying no no I'll be in remission then. No, I won't, remission. He didn't even acknowledge the possibility. He just kept saying it over and over. And you know. "Crippled" isn't me. It's something that is there, but you know, it's hard for it to ALWAYS be there and not have it be a part.

Maybe I do need to go to the river and pray. For some happy, sunny PAIN FREE DAYS!!!!!

PS: Pic is from the hospital, one of the first times I went.

Miracle on 34th Street

Well, I haven't watched that movie in a really long time. And it's truly not the best title but hey it's my blog, if I'm too lazy to find a good title don't judge me. (As CT would say) CT, I spent all weekend with her it was amazing. I would say it was even more amazing...but not to give her a complex I'll say, another outstanding thing was I got to spend 2 days with E. (: He's my miracle drug. He's my miracle this Christmas season. I am hoping for the miracle of remission, but I don't know if I consider it a miracle. It's kind of an iffy thing. It's like, okay fate will treat you nice for now. Even though supposedly I'm making it happen it's out of my control. My miracle drug is well, miraculous, but no pain would be even better.

This weekend was great. We cut down charlie brown Christmas trees! We saw AP's play and also went to the library and an orchestra concert. All along it was CT and Katarzyna adventures. They get pretty wild and bring many quotes. One brought about by CH but said by CT. "Your boyfriend he's chasing my dog!" CH mentioned how E. was mine. And he goes sarcastically I love how I'm a possession. I told him he wasn't but he says he doesn't care. CT tells me I don't want him as my possession because then people come to me about him. For example your dog chases the neighbor's cat and they come and complain saying "you're dog chased my cat!" except, "your boyfriend..." mhm. So yes, I'm going to try and keep E. from chasing cats... I guess?
Also, "it is not getting high it's a tree!!!" CT gives Christmas trees aspirin...? A little suspicious. Which I sound often whenever a security guard passes at the mall I'm saying something that makes me sound like a creeper...which you know I don't mind. Which sounds bad, but hey, I know I'm generally not a creeper so, it's alright. What else... hmmm. Battle scars. I say I return from my Boston therapy appointments with scars, well this weekend yielded many. CT elbowed me in the head in her sleep. That was great, I don't have a mark thankfully, because it's likely it'd be a black eye and I don't need questions... I have a bruise on my knee from where she punched me in the butt because she tripped up the stairs and I in turn fell up the stairs. My throat still feels a little funny from where she tipped a tree over on me and I was talking... a branch went down my throat. It was GROSS. And so weird... Ummm...what else. Oh my foot hates me and I left my TENS at her house. Great. She had me in sandals in like 10degree weather and my foot is pissed. It also just hates cold in general and hates me not wearing my TENS...but that's nothing new, just a result of the weekends activities. The overall result is fun memories but owie...I have some scars. We also have pictures and quotes, which "make my life."

Well I have to go work for my miracle now, that I'm calmed down a little from ranting about forgetting my TENS. My foot is already mad, so why not make it more so. After perhaps I'll get a half dosage (phone call) of my miracle drug. ? (: that'd be good. but for now, home program :'( hmph.

Zwei Woche Morgen

Two weeks tomorrow. I always used to think people who like counted weekend for dating someone, was a little obsessed, hey maybe I am. No. I just am so so so happy. I mean right now the pain is so bad, I'm in tears, but E. is on the bus too. He makes everything seem less bad. Which I don't care if it's dorky or corny or w.e it's true. My pain had been crazy, if I didn't have him, my friends might think I was boarder line suicidal and the truth is maybe I would have been. But I'm driving the bus. And E. is on the bus, so it's okay.

Today CT and I looked up pick-up lines. It started with her looking up how to say "I love you" in different languages. It progressed to me trying to find German phrases. Then German pick-up lines. Then we ended up with just pick-up lines in general. It was very exciting and I'll share some at the end.

Also, I found out the name and address of my German student. I haven't gotten to talk to her yet. I e-mailed...but no response. It kind of makes me sad, but it will also make it more exciting when I do hear from her. I'll be so busy this weekend who knows when I'll check e-mail either...
I'm living with C this weekend. I take the bus home w. her from school. Tomorrow night we're going to A.'s play. I'm sleeping over. Then we're going out on the town with her friend R. and hopefully E.! Then her mom has a cello concert which I'll be going to. Then I'm sleeping there again. This is all with PT at her house. Trying to get homework done at some point. Yucky weather. Tons of pain. And let's see...our insanity. It's going to be wild wild wild. I'm excited. And ready to present u with terrible terrible and gross lines but also a few sweet lines I came across today.


Wir wollen Ihre Kühe und Schaufe sehen.
We want to see your cows and sheep! <--- so not a pick up lone but...oh well.

Do you like Lucky charms? because you're magically delicious.

Do you want to dance? (No! Not with you.) Wait what, you must have misheard me, I said you look fat in those pants!

That's a nice set of legs what time do they open?

I like that dress it would look so good on my floor.

I'm new in town can I have directions? (To where?) You're apartment.

Want halfsies on a baby?

Now for some sweet/corny or really truly good lines!

If you stood in front of a mirror holding 11 roses you'd be looking at 12 of the most beautiful things in the world.

They say Disney World is an amazing place. Obviously "they" haven't been in your arms. <---FAVORITE!

If you had a rose for every time I thought of you, you'd be walking in a garden forever.

If beauty were time, you'd be eternity.

The spaces between your fingers were created because that's where mine fit perfectly.

If I could rearrange alphabets, I would put U and I together.

If I had a tear in my eye, I wouldn't cry for fear of losing you.


Okay too much mushy stuff. But it was fun, me and CT. have a good time. lol. I'll catch you bloglings later I need to rest up for this weekend! haha.

Things Really Have Changed

I'm not in remission, but you know I am no longer saying that I don't know what getting to live without pain is like. The reality is I don't, but it seems more attainable. The pain isn't any better, that's for damn sure, but my life is. I don't know why the bus metaphor has changed things so much but it makes so much sense. Normally I'm not into "happy shit" as I call it. I'd rather just face reality. Well, this is facing reality. The reality is torturous pain is a part of my life. It is not a part of me. I've become better because of it. I've also had to struggle a lot, but dwelling on it isn't going to change that. RSD is still really hard to deal with and really frustrating. I shrug it off more now though. I say "hello RSD, still around, great, okay moving along." there's no cure. I know that. If I get remission it could come back. Am I still scared, hell yea, but it won't ruin things. It's staying behind the do not pass line.

I have E. to help me keep the angry pain guys at the back of the bus. :] He's really great and it makes me really happy. It's amazing how just one week of being so happy has changed me. I would have been that way no matter what to some extent, but having him around, really makes it easier. He's a great guy man am I lucky. And you know, I'm glad he got to know me before he got to know RSD. My name is "Katarzyna" not Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy. Even if it has shaped me and made me who I am, and it makes me cry and I talk about it, it isn't me. I want him to know me and just be there to keep the pain as far in the back of my mind as possible. Sure, it invades my thoughts no matter what sometimes, but having him there, keeps it, at bay.

Oh on a random note N. and I are talking again. You see though, he got to know my pain a lot better than me and I think that's why we fight. I realized this will talking to my therapist in Boston. I mean I want people to know. Gosh I am being published for an essay on the importance of RSD awareness!!! But, I want them to be my friend because they can handle what I'm all about. I don't want to keep them around just because they can handle me talking about my pain. I don't want to be talking about my pain all the time. I want to talk about other things without arguing. But hey, he's dumb sometimes.

So are my other friends, but I LOVE THEM. They are so happy I'm happy which I never expected. I mean I knew or hoped so but the reaction is incredible. I'm sure being around me is much more enjoyable. You know, they still keep me going too though. When I have big owies they don't say hey I thought it was at the back of the bus, they comfort me.

Writing about AB and all she's done and talking about our relationship and why we get along as also changed me lately. I feel like it's really my job to change the world, because of all I've had to deal with. I really need to go all out and just. LIVE LIFE. And I think, I'm just about ready. (Oh and btw fyi, none of this means I'm losing touch with my RSD buddies, I LOVE THEM!)

So yes, I'm getting my life back and it's pretty darn amazing. I don't remember life before RSD, even though 4 years ago that's how things were. It's weird, I'm still not without RSD but I feel like it's so possible. It kinda makes me want to cry. Before I cried because I was scared, now I cry because I'm happy. And just maybe, remission is coming.

Wow that was a lot of rambling about the same thing... but you know that's alright. I feel like I just can't get over this. It's crazy. My PT and therapist are proud too, I'm glad. The program is getting really intense though because of it =p But, I think I can do this. And even if I can't, I'll have a bunch of people willing to keep me around just the way I am.

Best Weekend Ever

OMGsh OMGsh OMGsh. Yesterday was an awesome day and so is today!!! YAY YAY YAY. Well let's just see here... if you take note to the right >>>
I won NaNoWriMo!!!! WOOOO 20010 words in 30 days... a sad feat next to CT but oh well, I did good. A lot has been going on besides noveling so I'm proud I made myself do it. What has been going on... oh hanging out with people...people that grabbed my hand and made my day. People that I went to hug him goodbye and whispered in my ear asking me out. Yea :] t was awesome. I'm so happy it's kinda crazy. =p

And I leave now I'm all happy and having things to do with CT, sooooo talk to y'all l8rrrr

♥♥♥

Twitterpated :]

Okay sooo I have to like be all mushy, I'm sorry. hehe. I watched Bambi. For those of you familiar with Bambi, you know about how in the springtime all the animals get twitterpated. Well it's nearly wintertime and I'm kinda twitterpated. hehehe. :] Oh dear...
It's dorky, but I really I don't care. It's fun and happy. Fun and happy is goooood. And well, he called me cutie and that kinda made my day, amongst other things in our conversation tonight. He told me night with a smile and said bye with a ♥ it made me smile a lot a lot. :]

Seems how this is so short how about some quotes? Okie. :]

"The spaces between our fingers were created so another person's fingers could fill them."

"Accept the pain, cherish the joys, resolve the regrets; then can come the best of benedictions - 'If I had my life to live over, I'd do it all the same.'" Joan McIntosh

"Nobody will ever win the Battle of the Sexes. There's just too much fraternizing with the enemy." Henry Kissinger

I'll try for some non-mushy quotes...but as I said, I'm maybe kinda sorta twitterpated hehe.

"Whenever I hear, 'It can't be done,' I know I'm close to success." Michael Flatley

"When I am attacked by gloomy thoughts, nothing helps me so much as running to my books. They quickly absorb me and banish the clouds from my mind." Michel de Montaigne

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do." Eleanor Roosevelt

"Do not protect yourself by a fence, but rather by your friends." Czech Proverb

"Life is a sexually transmitted disease." R.D. Laing

And there you have it.
Katarzyna was here. And she's ending this blog with a smile. :]

PS: I like this new blog template cuz it's got a white background so I can use perdy colors :]

:] Smile. Katarzyna is here.

As you can clearly see this blog has been overhauled. :]

Yesterday I had an appointment in Boston and wow it was a big deal. sure, lots of pain, blah, blah, but my psychiatry appointment changed me. It made me really think and it's a good thing. We talked about how RSD doesn't have to be a piece of me, it can just be something that's along for the ride. Here's one metaphor she used that she'd heard from some other psychiatry something... lol. You're driving a bus. A big crazy bus. You have a bunch of rowdy passengers. these passengers, try to cover your eyes and take over the wheel. They are always trying to get past the do not pass line when the bus is in motion. Your job as the driver is to send them to the back of the bus. these passengers are pain. Pain in all it's troublesome forms. Pain interfering with your life, school, friends. Push it to the back of the bus. Well, I'm trying to do that. I'm not letting RSD take over. I've already pushed through, but now, it's not going to be in my conversation when I introduce myself. RSD is not me. I am me. Katarzyna Quince. Which is my new adoptive name. I love that name and it is now my blog name. :] It may be very unique and so you say wow weird, but idc. I am unique and people say wow weird, it doesn't bother me. Take note of the blog description and my about me. They are different. I am different. No, I'm the same person but better. I am regaining me. I am regaining Katarzyna, who i was before RSD. It feels pretty cool.

One of those pain guys name's is, "ruin carefree teenagehood". Well he's way in the back of the bus now. Huge change from my sad and defeated last blog. N., is the one losing his fairytale ending. I am moving on. I am not getting hung up on something serious, that causes fights and tears. I am an amazing person and I love being his friend, if he doesn't want to have this amazing person, or doesn't realize it, too bad. He lost his fairytale, so sad. I am getting out there and having fun. I am going be a teenager, and RSD sure, it'll be along for the ride. But, I don't care. I've met someone. Which is weird for me. To up and decide, wow, I like this kid. Normally I take my time and am all mature. Well, I haven't ever gotten to just say, let's have fun. So I am. I like him. And turns out he likes me. So I'm really excited to see where this goes. I'm just ready to enjoy liking someone and them liking me and us having fun. Now don't take that the wrong way... I know you "bloglings" (as C. puts it) always have your minds in the gutter. But take it however you wish. I am ready for a big change and this kid, is part of it. He's adorable, btw. haha. He's real and I love that. People that aren't worried about what other people think...or at least not a great deal, amaze me. He's not afraid to be himself and dude, that awesome. He's just great soooo yea. haha. But we'll talk more about him some other day, we'll let things just happen for now.

Another thing. Violin. I love it and I am going to start getting back to practicing. No more mope around in bed, I'm in treatment pain is ruling. I am in treatment. To kick pain off the bus. Right now it's on the bus, but it's in the way back. So yea, I'll have rough days, but I'm forever fighting and pushing those guys back so people can see ME the driver of this bus. I play violin. I love music. People are going to be reminded of that.

Another thing, I'm an awesome dedicated student. Sure, people at school cause pain to try to take me over, well too bad. It's not about the people. It's about me showing off my smartness. I am going to try hard to do what I can with school and treatment. It's not going to be easy, but hey is anything in life? Not really.

Yet another thing that is about me regaining me. Basketball. Woa, I have not been playing nearly enough it needs to change. Needs needs needs to. Pain will definitely be pushing it's way towards the line, but I love basketball. I even got new basketball sneakers :] I love working out and getting all sweaty. I love competition, I love the game all in all. I love the squish of the net and the press down court. I love jumping up and boxing someone out to grab the ball and push down court. It's amazing, and it's my time to shine.

Writing. Yea, I love it and am all about it. I don't even know if I told you I'm writing a novel for NanoWrimo. Well I am. It's amazing. It's about a troubled girl, who hasn't gotten to experience what I am trying to experience starting today. Maybe, I'll give her that. But the plan was not to. You see I decide how it goes. I love that about writing. You are in charge. Being in charge is a good feeling. But also, vulnerability doesn't hurt either. Anywho, I have 16680 words in this novel. my goal is to have 20000 by 11:59:59pm on November 30th. I'm so going to and beyond. Reading, yea...I need to do more of that too. But hey, I can't focus on everything at once, I'd go more insane than I already am ;]

I just thought of yet another way Katarzyna can "drive." When people ask how I am, if I am good, say good or great! Not good, but in pain. No. Pain is going to be there, but it's not ME. I'm going to let people especially this kid I like, see me and not the troublesome pain guys. Sure, this new mentality, it will suffer at times. I don't doubt, I'll have days when the guys push the line and don't want to fight back, but I'm going to try really hard. I'm going to enjoy me, enjoy being a teen. It sounds pretty darn amazing to me. Sure there will be drama, but I'LL be DRIVING. NOT PAIN.

Speaking of which, I can drive now. :] It's fun and I'm pretty good at it.

Also, I'm going to Germany!!!!!!! So that just makes smiles explode everywhere. Ich liebe Deutsch. I love German. It's going to be an amazing experience. This new/old me, is going to be amazing, because I'm going to make it that way!

There will be more smiling because although pain is along for the ride, Katarzyna is driving. :]

Oh yea... like the picture? I think it's rather amazing :]

So Much For That Fairy Tale Ending

I'm really beginning to thing this is the start to true heartbreak. As sad as that is. This isn't about "mystery boy" the paranoid one. This is about N. N. who I finally decided, may be my first love. I've denied that feeling for so long, perhaps just admitting it is all I can do. I mean, I've like other people, but he's always been there, underneath, it's always N. It's so so pathetic, the kid does not like me. In fact, we're in a huge fight, because I like him. Or because of how I chose to remind him of this... it's really really really hurting me. But I refuse to call myself heartbroken I've just admitted "love". I still am not really sure about being in love, in high school, but I have this undeniable awesome feeling about that kid that no matter what he does will not go away. No matter how mad he makes me, I can't be without him. These past days, have been awful. I'm beginning to think, it's the beginning of the end. Good god, I can't lose him as a friend too, that'd really more than break my heart. He's mine. No matter how much he wants to deny it. So there.

The picture, I do not own rights to, it comes from: http://www.kleinfeldbridal.com/index.cfm?pid=52&item_id=10101&rowid=180&page=9 a friend and I looked for our top three wedding dresses. I found this, which we both love, and also, it fits with tonight's blog theme. It represents the non-existent fairytale. (marriage, would never exist in the fairy tale just to clear that up)

Still in treatment, with very minimal success, tons of pain still here, my bffl gone on vacation and still NO WORD from N.

And so... so much for my fairy tale ending. ♥♥♥

Not A Waste.

People are always convincing each other certain things/people aren't worth their tears. When someone tells you that, consider what they are saying. If it's not worth your tears there wouldn't be any. If they/it isn't worthy of you, that's different. But there's always a reason for crying, well I take that back. In cases where people tell you it's not worth it, don't listen. There's a good reason. Cry, cry your heart out.

Fighting---Because of Love

I've come up with a sort of human behavior theory. It's based on one test subject, that subject being me. I didn't intentionally run any test, but from experience I've been able to draw some conclusions. I think we're more likely to hurt people that love us first, because we know/hope we'll never lose them. I think that every relationship/friendship has to survive at least one big fight. We kind of subconsciously know we have to "test" people. It's like our defense against getting really really hurt. In some cases we do still get very hurt. It's not taken well, when you think someone loves you and come to find out their not willing to fight, and work to have you. I'm not talking exclusively romance here. I'm actually not really talking romance, as far as my experience. I feel like I am the type of person to fix things regardless of if that's my job. I except the fact that someone loves/cares about me without question. I am beginning to realize humans don't just love. Love has to survive test. I fight with people but then I always want to fix it, so I don't lose what there. Well, I've decided, if someone is worth it, they'll fight too. There will always be arguments and fights but it shouldn't always be the same person feeling responsible ad fixing the problem. Every argument has at least two stories.

The story behind all this. I'm hurting, a lot a lot a lot right now. Since treatment has started I've been fighting with people I'm close to more and more. I think it makes sense though. I am learning things about these people through this. I think it's kind of my human nature, "testing" those close to me, because I only can have those who really care in my life. I can't be bothered with baggage right now. It's sounds awful calling people baggage, but if being in a relationship (of any kind) with someone is a constant uphill battle for you and not them, there is a problem that needs to be addressed, which sometimes means, you have to accept that someone who you love, doesn't love you. Wow, that's depressing. But, it's true, from my experience. And I'll just tell you, I'm not planning on losing people. I'm really hoping, they will fight. But I can't always be the fixer/fighter. I'm learning.

I am

I am, I am a lot of things. This blog is a rant, a mega uber super de duper rant, because it needs to get out before I break down again. Therefore I am: ranting. I am: stressed. I am: upset. I am: confused. I am: frustrated. I am: scared. And this is only the beginning, the beginning of this blog, I am: writing. It may not be fair for my blog to be all about me, and what I am, but I think it's better that way. My blog, is my place. It's MINE. And no one else needs to be highlighted, or put down here. I think a blog should be just you talking to yourself not an audience. I mean I know there's an audience so I censor, but I just kinda talk, with limits. I mean, I'll never change my self for anyone. But I will never intentionally hurt someone. It doesn't matter who is hurting me, they don't deserve to be hurt. This is part of the reason i use initials and try not to get stuck talking about people, they don't deserve it. I feel like I deserve something, anything, but maybe I don't. Maybe what I have is exactly what I am supposed to, but I'd like to not think of it that way. Treatment is going awful, I mean, it's going how it's supposed to, but until you've experienced it, don't tell me I'll be fine. My treatment, is an uncertain thing. There is no guarantee I am: going to get better. It's a maybe. Maybes worry me. This doesn't mean I don't take risks. I take risks and often times they end badly. I expect them to end badly and so I prepare myself before hand. This doesn't mean I don't get freaked out. Nervousness is part of who :I am. I am: a confused teen really. I am: ranting about nothing, well everything, but trying not to write anything I'll regret. It's a tricky process. Okay, bottom line: I am hurt, really really hurt. I don't care if no one cares that I'm hurt but I sure as hell wish someone would. No one needs to give up their problems for me, if they think they do, they're wrong. No matter how unstable :I am or how much I feel that their problems don't compare to mine, I'll listen and I'll do my best to help. I am: disappointed, that people don't get to see who I really am. I am: mad that the world is what it is today. People need to get to know each other. People need to NOT ASSUME. Assumptions get us no where. This ranting probably is getting me nowhere... but...

I am: emotionally unstable right now. but I wish people would still give me a chance, all I need is someone to hug me, and not leave.

Probieren

Probieren=to try. I'm trying I really am. I'm trying to make it work with my guy. I'm trying to make the guy who liked me (the one who made me feel special, i admit it) understand it's over without hurting him. I'm trying to do treatment without breaking down. And I'm pretty much failing at all of these. You can say I have a bad attitude or outlook or whatever but I don't care. You are not living my life and I'm not living yours so don't judge. I am trying so so hard. I want to get better, but it's a scary thing. I have never been a teenager, although I've been one. What I mean is, I'm a teenager with RSD, I've never been a "normal" teen and I can't say I know how to be, it's going to be super weird. I've also never had a boyfriend, but I sure as hell want this kid to be mine. He is amazing, and I wish he'd think that of me. As for the other kid, he's not a bad kid, but I just think "us" is over like it's not meant to work. And I am trying, trying so hard, to sort this out! ARGH. While being in the worst pain I've been in, in a very long time. FUN.

4get

Forgetting isn't as easy as some make it out to be. I mean some things, you can forget within seconds. Other things you'll never forget. It's weird how your mind works like that. Some random things you will never forget but a lot of things you'll never forget are because they impacted you so greatly. For example. I am having trouble forgetting someone. They are the first person who I ever felt truly liked me (as more than a friend) completely honestly and treated me that way. They missed me. They wanted to be with me. It was just an amazing thing to me. It's hard to forget them. I bring this up because I may very well be switching into one of their classes. And I kinda am wondering what will happen.
Secondly pain. I will never forget RSD pain. My brain changed. Even if we retrain my brain so I don't have RSD symptoms. If I get remission, pain will not be forgotten. RSD will not be forgotten. That's why I have this blog, no matter what. Even if I get remission, RSD is still very much a part of me. I'll still be fighting those memories. I'll still have all the people I met along the way. I'll have the trauma. I'll have the tears. I'll have the fear. And I'll have the triumph. It's so hard to imagine REMISSION. NO pain. NONE. ZIPPO. ZERO. Being "normal". It's going to be great. But it's also going to be a really long road. I had a Boston appointment tonight and it was brutal. It brings tears, but I just keep remembering tears now equal smiles later. My pain psychiatrist is helping a little now too. We talked about distraction being able to "forget" pain for a bit, well at least mostly for a second. As far as PT goes though, I know it's helping, I'm improving. It's not any easier. There isn't less pain. But I can do more stuff and faster than last week. This is great. I have m first near home appointment tomorrow though. Supervised PT 2 days in a row. ARGH ARGH. I'm not allowed to forget the appointments or to do home program. But i suppose it's for the best. Why 4get not forget, for a title? Because I need to get certain numbers or times in PT. I don't think any is a low as a four. But I do have to break really hard records set in the PPRC. If I get 4 seconds on anything I'll be the new record holder. Wooo. But I have a ways to go


... I'll just keep fighting. ♥♥♥

Excuse me...

First off you all deserve an apology....amusing that people actually read this. I haven't blogged in a long time. My life has been very hectic, thanks to RSD amongst other things. I'm in treatment now but let's not discuss it, that's the stressfulness.

Let's just say I want to just scream excuse me!!! and make people listen. I feel like I am not up to par lately as far as being me. (If that makes any sense) Like I'm not acting as I normally would, it's concerning. But I'm going to try to fix it. Perhaps.

I had a great great great weekend. It included a Halloween party which was super deee duper. It also included hanging out with CT which was fantabulous. I feel like a party of her family, it's kinda cute and kinda funny. They amuse me. You know it's nice to feel loved though, like I belong. I mean, duh my family loves me. But I mean outside of my family. This brings me to my next thing...


"My" boy. I am not in love, NO MA'AM/SIR. But, I feel like I really need to do something. I can't just be content liking someone I have to like finish it. I have to get rejected so I can move on. Then I usually don't move on, or at least I don't like anyone for a while, it's not something I do. I like people but they don't change often. I'm not a crazed hormonal teen. Oh wait, yes I definitely am, but not in that sense. But I am like wanting a boyfriend, which is really weird for me. But I feel like just having that is a good experience and it would help me get through stuff, maybe. He may think I'm stupid though... but let's not discuss that. And he may just be freaked and or think I'm weird. I need to decide how to go about this. I need to discuss with N. which is weird. Relationship advice from the relationship failure known as my best friend. Well, he may not be great at relationships, but he is a guy so I'd hope he knows how guys think. Hopefully, we'll see. I love him so he deserves a shot at helping. Otherwise I'm just bombarding poor AP and CT with this, and they are like AH don't ask me. haha. So N. gets the load for a minute or hour or so. I feel like we need some bonding time anyways. HAHA.

So yes... I'm pretty like all over the place crazy and not knowing what else to say besides that I just want to curl up and rest for a long while. I'm so exhausted. I need a good book to read. I need to work on my novel (which I love doing) and also. It'd be nice to have a hand to hold...or arms to hold me... hmmm. We'll stop on that happy note...

♥♥♥

ABC

Today's post I am presenting to you in alphabetical order. I'm going to find something to talk about for every letter...or at least one word per letter. so here goes!

A is for anger, which comes with trying to coordinate everything going on in my life.
B is for boys... oh boys. Life without them would be so dull... Like N. for example. Or MB, we have a kid together... haha. Not really I promise, just an inside joke. And then there's him. The one who makes me smile so much just to think about. =] B is also for Boston, which I'll be seeing a lot of from now on.
C is for crush. That I have on someone... And want to do something about...
D is for dreams...which I have been having a lot of. Weird ones. Involving robotic children, theatre productions and all my friends...
E is for everything being so insane these days.
F is for friends. Who even though I probably seem like a mad woman, are there for me. They are there no matter what and it's spectacular. I know I say this a lot. But it's so true. So so true. For those that read this, of my friends, I'm there for you always!!! F is also for flirtatious/flirting. Flirtatious being the scent of a body spray I am getting and flirting being what I need to do more of.
G is for German/German club. I didn't do my German homework this evening I left it at school. Which is bad, because it's the only class I'm going to tomorrow on account of leaving for Boston. I also am missing out on German club, well it seems like, I just don't know how that's going to work.
H is for hospital. I'll be visiting once a week. =p H is also for Halloween Party. Which AP is having and I'm so excited!
I is for imperialism which we just got done studying and I got an 84 on the test I thought I failed!
J is for Jack-o-Laterns, because Halloween is coming!
K is for kangaroos, kuz I kan't think of K and they are cute!
L is for love. Duh. I feel the love of everyone around me and it keeps me going.
M is for mysterious, the scent of the products CT is getting from the make-up party her mother had.
N is for...not saying what (or who) first comes to mind because he got his own post, when really he's just a big dummy. hahaha.
O is for over thinking, I do it, A LOT.
P is for psychology off. Which is a competition that two kids had during open and it was rather amusing. M. had an advantage though, his parents are psychologist.
Q is for Quantain. Which is a word I remember from something to do with atoms in chemistry... test on that friday =\
R is for remission. Which I start the fight for tomorrow. And will be in most definitely by 2009!!!
S is for soft flannel sheets so comfy and warm.
T is for therapy. Ewww. But it will make me better. T is also for time. Never enough.
U is for understanding. Which is key to some many things. I need to understand that although I will be put through hell I'm going to get better. I need to understand, history and chemistry in order to pass school. I need to be understanding of my friends and their problems no matter how big or small. I need to understand that someday, someone will want me, for me despite how U for unique I am.
V is for violin. Which I need to practice more.
W is for winter which is quickly approaching. My foot hates it (but soon seasons won't matter! YAY!) and it's so very chilly outside.
X is very very important, but for reasons I can not blog to you all. Nothing bad. But for those of you that know me, you know.
Y is for yipee!?
Z is for Zinc an element on the periodic table. Wow, my chem. teacher would be proud.

And there you have it. Did this tell you anything probably not.

But, I must go. Blog you laterrrrr ♥♥♥

N. Get's His Own Post... Well Mostly ;p

Well gosh if he actually read my blog he'd get to feel special. But it's doubtful that he does. Perhaps I'll make him look and see this. I don't know. But anyways. Lately he's really just been like keeping me fighting. Considering my blog is about me staying strong and fighting, he gets a staring roll. All my friends are so so great. I love them to death. I don't know what it is about him though...he's different. Maybe it's the whole him being a guy thing, not really sure but, he just makes me feel better, no matter if he's being mean or really sweet. Strange.

I also gave him an awesome birthday gift a couple days ago on his Bday. (10/21) It was a new sweatshirt in black. The one he wears otherwise is a terrible color!!! But I "fixed" that. Now to get him to wear it more often then the other... well. I have done what I can. Besides I wouldn't want to change him. He's so unique. haha. Not as unique as the wrapping paper and card I used. I made them both. The paper had words (not so nice words and phrases) all over it. The card recalled some of our memorable quotes/moments. And also told him that I don't know what I'd do without him. Geesh, I know he would be lost without me. I honest to goodness think he's a good guy he really is. Look at what he said when I was having treatment anxiety:
I said: it's dumb. but i'm in like fight mode. like i know i have to do this. i am going to do this, but still every time i think about trips to Boston i like get all upset and i feel all alone. like there is going to be no one there to make it better
Him: Well there may not be anyone there but theres always friends for when you get back, were all here for you and were all supporting you, you know you have an army of friends that are always willing to talk or give you a hug, you are a very strong person and we both know that, you are never alone at heart, always remember someones thinking about you and hoping your ok
me:and i know i can and will do this. i'm strong but i feel so weak
Him: well we all know your strong and just feel strong yourself, its all a mind set, you FEEL how you want to feel, its all up to you, i cant even begin to imagine how tough it is, and god damn i respect you for that, but i know your very strong inside and you can do whatever you put your mind to robin, you WILL get through this

So yes. Thank him much but let's hope it doesn't go to his head. =p

As for some other people I wish they'd be a little more confident...and not girl paranoid. I really like him. He's a great kid. Super smart. And I've heard he rules at pass interceptions in football? Well I've known him since 6th grade and he's always been kinda dorky like awkward I guess but I mean, geesh. This is me we're talking about, he needs to be calm. I'm so chill.... HAHAHA.

I had other stuff to say...but now I'm all like happy so let's leave it at that.

tata loves.
Blog you l8r

♥♥♥

I'll Walk

"We were 18, it was prom night. We had our first big fight. She said "pull this car over" I did and then I told her "I don't know what you are crying for" I grabbed her hand and she reached for the door She said. . ."I'll walk Let go of my hand Right now I'm hurt And you don't understand So just be quiet And later we will talk Just leave, don't worry I'll walk"

It was a dark night, a black dress Driver never saw her around the bend I never will forget the call Or driving to the hospital Where they told me her legs still wouldn't move. I cried when I walked into her room. She said. . ."I'll walk Please come and hold my hand Right now I hurt And I don't understand Let's just be quiet And later we can talk Please stay, don't worry I'll walk"

I held her hand through everything. The weeks and months of therapy. And I held her hand and asked her to be my bride. She's dreamed from a little girl. To have her daddy bring her down the aisle. So from her wheelchair she looks up at him and smiles and says. . ."I'll walk Please hold my hand I know that this will hurt I know you understand Please, Daddy don't cry This is already hard Let's go, don't worry I'll walk"

These are the lyrics to a country song I love. It's called "I'll Walk" and by Bucky Covington. Look it up, because I can't get it on my playlist. It's today's one and only quote, because I'm feeling super lazy. It describes what I am going through so well just not the exact situation.
"Don't worry I'll walk." I am in outpatient treatment. It's going to be hell but I know I need to do this. It is going to get me into remission, I'm going to have my life back!!! The song says hold my hand or don't hold my hand and that happens with me I have times when I need to just do it, but other times I really could use someone to keep me going. It also says about understanding, sometimes I feel lost other times empowered sometimes I feel like all my friends are there and willing to just be there other times it's so frustrating they just can't understand. This is a huge journey. It has changed me so much for the better, but I'm ready to regain what's mine. I need to fight this. I'm going to be in PT 3-4 times a week plus home program. One of those times will be in Boston each week and I'll also be going into cognitive behavioral therapy down there. I'm ready, I need to do this. I'm still scared because I know it will hurt. But don't worry I'll walk.

Homecoming was last night and I'm feeling the affects. I still don't get out of doing all I'm supposed to though. But I will procrastinate. I have tons of work and then therapy. ACK. But it'll all get done/happen eventually. The parade, game and dance were absolutely amazing. I had so much fun getting ready with CT and SM and also dancing the night away! I asked the guy to dance. We didn't, but I'm blaming it on him being paranoid, but I don't know. I have bigger things to worry about. It makes me kind of sad, but hey, I'm fine. it was a blast! I just am ready to crawl into a ball and cry though, despite the great time tremendous owies and like ah ah ah. But there will be happy pictures for me to see soon. that will help. And just getting to see him tomorrow is good. Plus Tuesday is N.'s bday and I get my braces off. And Wednesday i get my robotic baby. oh boy. Long week once again. therapy on top of it all. But yesterday was fabulous, I'll be fine.

"I'll walk Please hold my hand I know that this will hurt I know you understand Please, don't cry This is already hard. Let's go, don't worry I'll walk"

♥♥♥

Pregnant

this title is so weird. So I'm going to explain. NO WAY am I pregnant. There is absolutely no chance of it. But the title is relevant. For one thing, my electronic child project coming up. Not going to be fun but that's a ways off. (well only like a week) the electronic baby are cute, yet not as realistic as they could be but very realistic...but anyways. What is near is my appointment (eval). Why is this like pregnancy? Well it's like THE DAY. Just as a due date is the day. but also I need to like use Lamaze breathing. I'm so worked up. It's not okay. So I'm just going to move on and talk and give quotes so I stop freaking you out and keeping you focused on the title. =]

It's so close. My appointment is going to happen. I am freaking. I know I should not be freaking. I know this I am fully aware and I am not trying to freak but I get comfy and then I'm like AH it's coming NO NO NO. I mean this is a really good thing. But also a really scary thing. It's like a huge deciding day in my future. It may mean a whole new journey or NOT. Like they can do whatever they want with me. I don't like not being able to control at least a little bit. I mean ah. They decide if I get better or not. I mean it's me who has to do what they say. well "has to." But...still if they don't accept me...I'm sorry I feel like I can't do it. that's a terrible attitude to have I KNOW. I know it is. but putting myself through torture when I'm not being forced to do it's just not okay. I really can't force myself to do it. Especially if I'm still trying to do school too. I need to stop predicting and just let it happen. but I can't. Lamaze breathing. hehehehe hooo hehehehe hooo. AH . AH . AH . Childbirth is so not this nerve wracking. Suddenly you're in labor whether you want to be or not. And you know once that happens you're having a baby, like it or not. And no I'm not saying and it's more painful. No. RSD is more painful. I am so ready for childbirth. Oh and you are so ready for me to stop being weird and discussing...pregnancy and birth and yea... I'd feel that way too if I was a reader of this blog and not it's creator. So. Quotes now:

"One of the things that keeps you from dropping them in the nearest volcano is that you had to work too hard to get them. You had to cry, you had to scream, you had to sweat, you had to cuss out health care officials, and when that's all over with, you'll be willing to put up with a lot more from your kids." Barbara Hall

^^ Just to make you feel like you're not escaping the baby theme... hahaha. Now for some real quotes:

"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants." A. Whitney Brown, this is funny... CT/CG my vegetarian friends...I've found you out!

"It's all right to have butterflies in your stomach. Just get them to fly in formation." Dr. Rob Gilbert

"Whatever you think, be sure it is what you think; whatever you want, be sure that is what you want; whatever you feel, be sure that is what you feel." T. S. Eliot

"And when it rains on your parade, look up rather than down. Without the rain, there would be no rainbow." Jerry Chin

"Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it." Helen Keller

This is a good ending quote. It's very powerful. And goes well with my blog statement.

Love to you all. ♥♥♥

Just A Snippet

I only have a tiny little new snippet of the autofightbio. this is because my memory of all the details and order of events...not so good. But I'll work on that. It's just not the time to be trying to bring fourth the past. I need to focus on the future and the positive in it.

Autofightbio cont'd:

It was a big downward spiral spinning out of control, eventually into a wheelchair.
From the get-go I was against going into a wheelchair. Being in a wheelchair was the sure sign that I had some serious problems. It forced me to face new challenges, new looks from my peers and most of all, new physical issues. Being in the wheelchair eased my arm pain and my fatigue to some extent. Of course, I was still always drained. Pain has a way of “sucking the life out of you.”

♥♥♥

An Apple a Day

Does not keep the doctor away. We picked apples today. I love apples. They are yummy. My personal favorites are Macintosh, but I'll eat Golden Delicious as well as others. I used to be a huge Granny Smith fan, but I don't like them anymore. I eat them a lot this time of year, but they do not keep doctors away. Less than 96 hours until I go to Boston. I'm so nervous. So so so nervous. I wish I could just be excited and go and face it, but I can't be. I mean positive thinking, I get I should use it but it's hard when things don't go my way very often. I mean, I can not imagine being pain free it terrifies me. It like is so amazing I'm scared. If that happens I'll probably cry more than if I don't get into treatment. Because I'll have like a second chance at life. I'll be an improved person, but I'll be able to do what I want unrestricted. Happy tears there will be beyond belief. I hope that happens. But then again there is a definite chance it won't.

That's all I have to say today, I'm just a little. Hmmmm. ick. I shall try to blog more tomorrow my loves. tata ♥♥♥ with only one quote:

"Sometimes it's hard to avoid the happiness of others." -David Assael, Northern Exposure, Our Tribe, 1992

BAT (Blog After Thought)- I think I may work on my autofightbio now, so perhaps I will post a chunk later or tomorrow. ?

You've Got A Friend in Me

That's a Disney song. From Toy Story. It's not on my playlist, but the title reflects what I'm going to discuss. Disney movies and friends. I've been on a Disney movie kick lately and I've noticed some things, and really just enjoyed watching them. It's so nice just to watch cute animated films that you used to love when you were a kid. I still love them. They tell great stories. One thing I noticed though, is every one I can think of deals with love and or friendship. This isn't a bad thing. But it's true. I think maybe it makes teenager who they are, depending on what they saw as kids. Disney movies make you want to fall in love. They make you want to have a best friend.

Well here's the truth. Until this year/last year I never had a real best friend. I never understood that. I never thought you could care about someone that much. I never thought I'd be able to trust someone that fully. Well now I have two best friends. I mean, I don't like to pick and choose. But there are two people in my life that I can not picture losing and I am near certain we'll KIT forever. I love them so much. I can tell them anything and don't have to worry about judgement. It's truly amazing. As for the love thing. Not yet someday. But I do really like someone, it's nice. I mean, it's even nicer when someone really likes you for you. But maybe, sometime, before school ends. Who knows. I'm going to try to be brave at homecoming and maybe that will help me out. I'd btw I'm never losing my independence, no matter how much someone means to me. So there. But you know one of my best friends said to me last night, "you know me better than I know me" and I think that's so awesome because I feel like that's how they are with me too. I also have been told that my problems are worse and I shouldn't have to worry about them. I'll always worry about them. I don't care if I'm on my last legs. friends are there for each other no matter how big or small the problem. It's so cool having people close to you and I greatly appreciate it!!!

As for the Disney portion. I think I'm going to watch Pocahontas tonight...or maybe lady and the Tramp. Whichever one I watch I'll probably watch the second one as well. I LOVE Disney movies and finally, am going to give you some quotes from them! Hooray! In some cases I'm just putting what movie they come from not who said them. But if I know who said them, I'll put it!


"Nearly everybody gets twitterpated in the springtime. [. . . ] You begin to get weak in the knees. Your head's in a whirl. And then you feel light as a feather, and before you know it, you're walking on air. And then you know what? You're knocked for a loop, and you completely lose your head!" -Bambi

"If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you." -Pooh, Winne the Pooh

"Warsh---what fur?" -Grumpy, Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs

"Oh, you can't help that. Most everyone's mad here. (Laughs madly & starts to disappear) You may have noticed that I'm not all there myself." -Chesire Cat, Alice in Wonderland

"Buzz: I've set my laser from stun to kill.
Woody: Oh, great. If anyone attacks we can blink em' to death." -Toy Story

"Alice: I'm sorry I interrupted your birthday party.
March Hare: Why my dear child this is not a birthday party.
Mad Hatter: Heavens no. This is an unbirthday party." -Alice in Wonderland

"Let your heart guide you. It whispers so listen closely." -Littlefoot's mom, The Land Before Time <---Not sure if this is a Disney movie...?

"Mater, like terrrmaterrr without the terrrr." -Mater, Cars

"(after being filled with Porcupine quills) Ah! He bit me with his butt!" -Chance, Homeward Bound

"Es-cap-ay, that's funny, it's spelt just like Escape." -Dory, Finding Nemo

"...I don't even know if I'm black with white stripes or white with black stripes!" -Marty, Madagascar

"Like my mother always said, curiosity killed the dog." -Sassy (cat), Homeward Bound (Disney? idk)

"Whoa! Okay. It's all fun and games till someone loses an eye." -Tantor, Tarzan

"Shoot! You're in Radiator Springs the cutest little town in Carbuerator County." -Mater, Cars

"It's a dinglehopper. Humans use these little babies... to straighten their hair out. See? Just a little twirl here and a yank there and voila. You've got an aesthetically pleasing configuration of hair that humans go nuts over." -Scuttle (holding a fork), The Little Mermaid

"Oh, shucks! I think I bent my b-b-b-beak." -Boomer (the woodpecker), The Fox and The Hound

"Yep, yep, yep!" -Ducky, The Land Before Time

"We are Siamese if you please. We are Siamese if you don't please." -Siamese cats Si and Am, Lady and The Tramp <---This makes me think of A. and her questions...

"Dude? Dude? Focus dude... dude?" -Crush, Finding Nemo

"Hm. Teenagers. They think they know everything. You give them an inch, they swim all over you." -Sebastian, The Little Mermaid

"Does the cat always have to be the brains of the operation? Beauty and brains. I never cease to amaze myself." -Sassy, Homeward Bound II:Lost in San Francisco

"Wendy: Peter... I should like to give you a kiss. (A confused Peter sticks his hand out)
Wendy: Don't you know what a kiss is?
Peter: I shall know when you give me one." -Peter Pan

"If you're scared just be scarier than whatever is scaring you." -Thumper, Bambi II

"Petrie: I fly?
Ducky: No, you falled." -Land Before Time

"Dory: Hey there, Mr. Grumpy Gills. When life gets you down do you wanna know what you've gotta do?
Marlin: No I don't wanna know.
Dory: (singing) Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim.
Marlin: Dory, no singing.
Dory: (still singing) Ha, ha, ha, ha, ho. I love to swim. When you want to swim you want to swim. Marlin: Now I'm stuck with that song... Now it's in my head." -Finding Nemo

"Oh, that clock! Old killjoy. I hear you. "Come on, get up," you say, "Time to start another day." Even he orders me around. Well, there's one thing. They can't order me to stop dreaming." -Cinderella, Cinderella

"Next thing you know, she'll be tyin' your beards up in pink ribbons and smellin' ya up with that stuff called, uh...”perfoom"." -Grumpy, Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs

"Oi! Ten thousand years will give you such a crick in the neck." -Genie, Aladdin

"I was saved! I was saved by a flying wild man in a loincloth!" -Jane, Tarzan

"Baloo: Now, look. It's like this, little britches. All you gotta do is... (starts singing) Look for the bare necessities / The simple bare necessities / Forget about your worries and your strife / I mean the bare necessities / Are Mother Nature's recipies / That bring the bare necessities of life / Wherever I wander / Wherever I roam / I couldn't be fonder / Of my big home / The bees are buzzin' in the tree / To make some honey just for me / When you look under the rocks and plants / And take a glance at the fancy ants / Then maybe try a few... Mowgli: You eat ants? Baloo: You better believe it. And you're gonna love the way they tickle." -The Jungle Book

"Can you stand on your head? (takes of head)" -Chesire Cat, Alice in Wonderland

" P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney." -Dory, Finding Nemo

"I'm tellin' you, man, every third blink is slower." -Fillmore, Cars

"{singing) You can own the earth and still / All you'll own is earth until / You can paint with all the colours of the wind." -Pocahontas

"Ohana means family, family means nobody gets left behind. Or forgotten." -Lilo, Lilo and Stitch

"Delilah: I've never really felt this way before.
Chance: Me neither. I wanted to say the same thing to you all day, but then I thought you'd laugh at me and then you'd think I'm a dork." -Homeward Bound II: Lost in San Francisco

"Beast: I let her go. Cogsworth: Yes, yes, splen - You... what? How could you do that?
Beast: I had to. Cogsworth: Yes, but, but, but... but... why?
Beast: Because... I love her." -Beauty and The Beast

"Do not be fooled by its commonplace appearance. Like so many things, it is not what outside, but what is inside that counts." -Aladdin

"Forever is a long long time and time has a way of changing things." -Big Mama, The Fox and The Hound

"A dream is a wish your heart makes." -Cinderella, Cinderella

♥♥♥

I Like The Way You Play the Piano

I didn't have things to blog about and then I decided to add music to my blog and was like WOA I have things to blog about. A. and her quoting Lucy inspired the title. Then I was like oh disney/little kid movie music! INNER CHILD. Channel it. Don't grow up too fast. the second song also is relevant. It was in my head today. Today was a singing and dancing day. Heute war ein singen und tanzen Tag. :D It was very good and happy. Lots of happy things. I got all my homework done and practiced my violin. I got to see my friends and have some interesting times. A. gave me her good luck gift which I LOVE. I LOVE CT's gift too. They are both so awesome and so like related to them. They are deff. coming with me to Boston. N. on the other hand has not given me anything. Oh well, he's a dud. durrrr. On that note, I'm considering asking someone to homecoming... but shhhh don't tell. And no it's not N. NO WAY. hahaha. He's long since...my brother... anyways. We had nachos for dinner! That's happy! And a bought an eyeliner pencil. And chocolate! For tomorrow's German club "Shocktoberfest" yay! It's a good end to the week. (I have a long weekend! YAY!) I also got to care for a robotic child in class today. They are so annoying yet very cute. Next week is when the not so fun begins. Well no. Next week is very good. Lots of German stuff. And homecoming. But my appointment as well -_- but let's not discuss it. Let's have some quotes!

"It's kind of fun to do the impossible." Walt Disney

I was going to do tons of disney quotes...but off to watch my shows. Sorry guys.

♥♥♥

Rules---Thanks

Well I wasn't going to blog. I am having a lazy evening. I am just all RSDed out. I mean pain...is elevated, not a full on flair...at least yet, but I just feel kinda blah. I don't sleep that well cuz of pain and stress, and also I'm just stressed about schoolwork/my appointment/my social life. It's really really hard for me and I appreciate those so much that try to treat me "normal"... I LOVE MY FRIENDS. I also love questions...not like how are you feeling (unless you really want to know) but like I don't understand why RSD makes you ____ or what is RSD or is this brought on by RSD or what is wrong with you?! anything that shows you care/want to be educated verses are just going to assume you know. And that brings me to why I decided to blog. I found this on but you don't look sick and really would like to share it with you all:

"10 Commandments for interacting with the chronically ill
©2006 Susan Williams, PublicHealthAlerg.org

In the realm of chronic illness, one of our more challenging tasks can be gaining support from others. As if finding a knowledgeable and caring doctor wasn’t difficult enough, finding caring and supportive friends to surround ourselves with can be even more difficult. Most people are simply not capable of understanding, unless they have the misfortune of a chronic illness of their own. How many of us have heard something along the lines of “But you don’t LOOK sick...?” It makes one wonder how a sick person is “supposed” to look. If one were to hobble around on crutches, would their illness suddenly become more believable? Our society understands the visible, physical manifestations of illness, such as a broken bone in a cast or hair loss from chemotherapy. What many fail to grasp is the subtle, invisible manifestations of chronic illness. Symptoms such as pain, severe fatigue, and cognitive impairments are not easily visible to the average observer, which means that sufferers of chronic illness often look “just fine”.Our society is all about instant results - the mindset that we can just pop a magic pill and all our troubles will go away. When sufferers of a chronic illness do not quickly “get better”, we are often treated as if it were somehow our own fault. We may even be told that we are “hypochondriacs” or that “it’s all in our head”. Remember when you had the flu? You were exhausted, achy all over, and could hardly get out of bed. But, fortunately, the illness passed and you were back to your old self and usual activities. Now, imagine if you had never recovered from that flu. Every day, you wake up achingly sore and as tired as if you had not slept at all. Imagine trying to go through your usual activities while feeling this way. Not only do work, school, and regular tasks of daily living become near-impossible, but so do the smaller day-to-day things that so many take for granted, such as simply washing your hair or paying the bills.It is stressful, it is exhausting, it is depressing... and yet the chronically-ill person continues on in the face of it all.For those of you who may have, at some point, been the perpetrator of an otherwise well-intentioned comment, please understand that our illness is just as real as that of an amputee or other “visible” illness. To help aid those of you who wonder how to interact with a chronically ill person, allow me to present the Ten Commandments.

1. Thou Shalt Not Imply That We Are Not Truly Ill.
You will not convince us otherwise with remarks such as, “You LOOK good,” or “But you don’t LOOK sick.” Even if you meant them as compliments, we perceive those kind of statements as insults because they imply that you do not believe us.

2. Thou Shalt Not Imply That The Illness Can Be Easily Fixed.
People with chronic illnesses are persistent, if nothing else. We hang on, day after day. We see countless doctors, take numerous medications, do endless research, and continue hoping that the answer is just around the next corner. So please do not insult us by delivering diagnoses, remedies, or comments such as, “Why don’t you just...” or “Have you tried...” or “You should....” If it truly were that simple, I assure you that we would have done it already. We are sick, not stupid.

3. Thou Shalt Not Imply That We Brought This On Ourselves.
We did not choose to become ill, just as we do not choose to stay ill. Simply having a positive attitude is not going to solve our problem. One would never imply that a quadriplegic chose such a trial for themselves, or could get better “if they really wanted to”. Please afford chronically ill patients the same respect.

4. Thou Shalt Not Insult or Argue With Our Limitations or Behaviors.
If people with chronic illnesses push ourselves too hard, we can suffer serious consequences. Most of us have developed coping mechanisms to help us survive, and it is cruel to expect us to do more than we are able. One chronically-ill woman I know was actually told, “I wish I could have the luxury of sleeping all day.” Believe me, we would much rather be out working, playing, spending time with loved ones, participating in normal activities.
“Sleeping all day” is not a luxury for us – it is a critical necessity, one that we must take in order to protect whatever remaining health we have. Perhaps it may help to think of it in terms of being one of the medications we need to take. If you wouldn’t think of denying a diabetic their insulin, then don’t think of denying the sufferer of a chronic illness their critical need, whether it is a mid-day nap, avoidance of certain foods or environmental factors, or something else.

5. Thou Shalt Not Imply That You Can Relate To What We Are Going Through.
Unless you have a chronic illness of your own, you cannot possibly understand just how much suffering is happening. Of course you want to be compassionate and want to relate to people. But when you try to do this by telling a chronically-ill person that you are always tired too, it tends to make the person feel that you are minimizing their suffering. Try saying something more along the lines of, “This must be so hard for you,” or “I can’t imagine what you’re going through.” It really does make a difference to us.

6. Thou Shalt Be Mindful Of Other Family Members.
Chronic illness doesn’t just affect the person who has it, but the whole family as well. The trauma of the illness can evoke feelings of fear, depression, anger, and helplessness in all family members. The balance of family dynamics will most likely change, especially if it is a parent who is ill. The healthy spouse may end up taking on an overwhelming amount of responsibility, and even children will likely be involved in helping care for the ailing family member. Please keep these others in your thoughts as well, and make an effort to direct some special attention to them, without any mention of illness or disability. Individual family members adjust in different ways and at different paces. All members might benefit from counseling to help handle the stress involved, and each family member also needs to have time to pursue their own individual interests. External support from friends, neighbors, extended family, religious institutions, and support groups may help ease some of the burden.

7. Thou Shalt Acknowledge Our Efforts and Celebrate Even Our Small Successes With Us.
For the chronically ill, any day that we can accomplish a task, no matter how small, is a “good” day! Our lives are often measured in terms of doctor’s visits and lab work, and our “success” measured by a rise in Natural Killer cell counts in our blood, or actually completing an entire load of laundry in just one day. Please do not look at us as if we are joking when we share these celebratory moments with you. Celebrate with us, be happy with us, and do not kill the moment by announcing that you just completed the Ironman Triathlon in record time.

8. Thou Shalt Offer Thy Specific Help.
There are so many ways to help -- the most difficult part is usually getting a chronically-ill person to accept that help. They do not want to feel like a “burden”. If you offer a vague, “Call me if I can help,” the call will probably never come. But if you are sincere, consider extending offers of specific help, such as a ride to a doctor’s appointment, or picking up a few groceries or the dry cleaning. These activities can be done in a way that does not add any extra burden to your own schedule. If you have to go to the grocery store for your own family, it really isn’t much extra work to grab an additional loaf of bread and jug of milk. If you have to swing by the post office, getting an extra roll of stamps or mailing an additional package isn’t much extra effort for you – but it can save a chronically-ill individual a lot of time, energy, and exacerbation of symptoms.

9. Thou Shalt Remember Important Events.
I’m not just talking about birthdays and Christmas. A major doctor’s appointment, lab test, or new medication are all important events to the chronically-ill person. Try to sincerely ask, “How was your appointment? How did the lab test go? How’s your new medication?” The chronically-ill person will appreciate that you remembered, and that you cared enough to ask about it.

10. Thou Shalt Get To Know The Person Behind The Illness.
The illness may be a part of us, but it’s not a part of who we ARE. We want to be known as more than “that sick person”. You may discover that we have a wickedly funny sense of humor, a creative imagination, musical talents, or any number of things that better describe who we are, and what we would rather be remembered for. (It makes for better gift ideas too -- rather than presenting us with yet another self-help book on the power of positive thinking, now you can give us a CD from our favorite singer or movie of our favorite actor instead.)

Most of all, please remember that the chronically-ill person is more than worthy of love, friendship, and support. Most chronically-ill people I know are the toughest nuts I have ever met. Indeed, I have come to believe that a chronic illness is not for wimps – rather, only the toughest of the tough can continually face the struggles of life while battling a debilitating disease. That kind of grit deserves nothing less than pure respect and admiration, even from our toughest critic -- ourselves."

So that's today's quotes... haha yea long I'm sorry but they send very very good messages that I feel are important. I like to think that if the world was more aware everyones life would be easier. I'm not just talking RSD, but if everyone came with a little knowledge about every way life can be more difficult. It's of course impossible. But... hey. Crazy insanity is my specialty. To bring it down to a smaller scale.

"I'd like to think if people could understand or TRY TO IMAGINE what I go through they'd think before they speak. They can't imagine it. And that should tell them something right there... SHUT UP."
^^^ This is all me but it deserves quotations

Okay. I really am going to be done with this really long blog that wasn't even going to exist now. I need my rest.

Blog you later lovessss. ♥♥♥