Cue Spongebob Music

No, I don't live in a pineapple under the sea. I don't have a snail named Gary or best friend Patrick. I'm not acquainted with "sandy Cheeks" and the name of my town is most definitely not Bikini Bottom. But I did have the best day everrrrr. Best Day Ever!

Let me just tell you, nothing is more amazing than feeling really truly loved. Just being perfectly content with everything and having them there. So tonight was kind of sad, he had to leave and I did PT. But, I spent the day with my boy and it was absolutely f'ing amazing. The best day everrrrr.

Hopefully the week back to school after midterms won't be too bad. It's a hospital week. Blah. But hey, I'll make it. Maybe. I'm still feeling really blah about treatment and foot, but E. helped ward it off for the day. He believes I'm going to get better. I want him to be right. I want to get better. But I just can't believe him, no matter how much in love I am. It really isn't happening. Most likely. today before he got here I broke down... in front of my dad mind you. Over the situation. But you know it's okay, because then I was showered with hugs and kisses.


Best day everrrrrrr.
love love love ♥♥♥
smile smile smile (: (: (:

Honest To Blog (And Sparing You A More Worrisome Title)

Be ready bloglings. If something is about to send you into a nervous breakdown, you're apt. to get depressed or upset easily. Do not read further. I mean don't worry either. I'll be fine. But tonight is just not okay. I am honestly saying I am really far from okay. I'm not afraid to except that. I would say I'm mad at myself, but I'm even past that point. I want to give up. No I'm not talking on life like literally, I need to be around for those that love me. On this new driving the bus. It's easier just to hide under the covers. The pain is so so so so bad. I know I'm supposed to think positive and push them back and lean on those that love me and keep positive. But I just can't right now. I feel like a whiny baby. I don't want pity, but I do want to just curl up and get away for a while. It's horrendous. I even broke treatment rules. it's that bad. the guys are steering. I'm not fighting them I admit it.

It's easy for anyone else, those that love me especially, to not understand. They want to understand so much it makes them more ignorant. They want to be able to tell me it will be okay. I want it to be okay too. Don't get me wrong, I really wish it was okay, but it's not. Sometimes you can't make things okay no matter how much love is involved. I know they can't do anything, I know they want to. But honestly the majority of them (minus ummm like my daddy and E.) I need them to get the hell away. I need someone's shoulder to cry on, but I don't need words. I need to just let it not be okay. Because it's not. I have images of excruciating pain hallucinations coming back to haunt me. I wanted so so so bad to grab the crutches when going between the bathroom and my room. I didn't that'd be facing how weak I'm being. Instead I did an even more pathetic form of cheating. I crawled around. My knees aren't as built but as they were when I used to crawl around all the time. I'm not allowed to anymore.

but I did. I really don't care what I'm allowed. My therapist and i were discussing that it's one of the hardest things for people to face, "not okayness" as I call it. They have to accept, feeling bad is part of life. Not always being alright, is normal, it's healthy. Well this form doesn't feel healthy, but I don't care. I need to stop but I can't. I need t curl up and cry and cry until the bad images go away. Until i feel safe and like there's hope. right now, all it feels like is PAIN PAIN PAIN. They're driving the bus, those evil pain guys. And I'm not trying to stop them. I can't.

Who's Winning?

I mean I guess when I blog, I always sound this way, like I'm having an internal battle. Well lately especially. It's really wearing on me, like one side wants to win and it starts to but then I decide that's bad. It's like the truth, reality, BAM BAM BAM side is fighting with the practical, stay calm, keep things in check side. It's kinda trippy. It's the ability to let go versues holding on. I'm trying to not punch anyone out, but live in the moment, but keep a plannish type deal, but not hide how I feel. It's a big balancing act. We actually were talking about this is therapy last week. How being realistic verses hopeful, you have to find a balance. Too hopeful/unrealistic is bad but so is too realistic/daunting. Like with RSD. I try to keep more towards the realistic side for my own good, but I also don't want to be hopeless. Or with letting go when it comes to letting myself fall in love. I did it. It's not bad. I still kind of have that inner battle, like omgsh ah, I'm letting my guard down! Something bad is going to happen! Eeeeek! But not yet. And I'm pushing off that "hold on for dear life" mentality slowly so it doesn't realize. Shhhh. But hey I'm alright with holding on for dear life if it's too E. I do not want to lose him. But I jut kind of have to roll with the punches. And I am. I'm letting myself be myself and realizing he really does love me. It's pretty frickin' amazing. It helps me let go. It helps calm the battle, being with him, talking to him. He makes me see what's right. Which probably doesn't make sense but it's true. I need to not hold back who I am. Katarzyna is winning. She's drving the bus. She's letting go. She's being true to how she feels. She being trusting and loving. I'm trying to work towards my values, but sometimes I get a little off track. The bus has to stop sometimes... it can't be on the road inevitably! So I'm trying, but really I'm deep down battling. With how I feel about treatment, certain friendships and about letting myself love someone and them love me. The 3rd, of course, being the easiest to conquer the other two...not so much.

Ugh, up down, side to side, back fourth, tick tock, criss cross, polka dot, in out, wrong right. Battle Battle Battle. Who's going to win? I wish there was a bell at the end of the match and I can clearly see who's hand the ref raises. But it hasn't happend yet. Sometime, it'll come...togetherish. :\

Katarzyna loves a boy. In his arms is her favorite place. She loves staring into his eyes. She loves his smell. The sight of him and sound of his voice, she loves, they make her heart race, and give her butterflies in her tummy. She loves how he can make her smile even when she's crying. She loves that he helps her be proud of herself. She loves that he respects her, that he trusts her. He's the first thing she thinks about when she wakes up and the last before she falls asleep. She's perfectly alright with that...she loves being his.

♥

You Spin Me Right Round... Like A Record Baby

Today I accomplished things. It was good. At the time it felt stressful and kinda like AH but right now I'm content with what I accomplished. I feel ready for my math midyear exam and definitely ready for tomorrow in general. I am doing my contrast baths like a good girl and I did my PT and lifting. Hooray. I also practiced violin. Which is important because I've kinda been slacking despite the fact that I LOVE the music. We're playing an arrangement of "Hungarian dance No. 5" and Russlan and Ludmilla. They're both GORGEOUS. We're also going to be playing "Romanian Dances" which I haven't heard but I'm sure will be amazing. It's a 20th century piece, so more modern which will be cool.

But enough with that time music. My music. I love it. And tomorrow E. get's to experience it full force. We're having a record day. Which means I bust out the records (two huge tubs full) and play them on the record player until my heart is content. Obviously it's not one of those days where I NEED a record day for my sanity. My heart will be content, E. will be over (: But, I wanna show him my "world" of music. We're going to make a mix tape. What I call it is decieving. But it's going to be very cool. Like a huge song made up of chunks of others. So yes, my plan is going into action, hooray. Speaking of E. and hooray and my accomplishments, he once again get's his blog moment. He's so amazing.

I just can't get over how special and important he makes me feel. I hope I make him feel that way, because he deserves it. I love him. It's scary but you know it's getting a lot easier. It's fun. I'm not so paranoid anymore. I just accept that the things he says he really feels. It's harder than it sounds. But it's really truly amazing. When i acconplish something I know he's proud and I know when I'm having a tough time he's cheering for me. When I cry and cry, I think about him and it makes me want to stop, I want to make him proud. I want this not only to work for me but now for him. So I can give him all of ME without dumb RSD in the way. But hey, I'm trying, working with what I got. We have fun and he's there for me. And as of right now, that's as close to perfect as can be. ♥

Edit:
"I want my RSD to leave my body forever, and I want to take part in a lifestyle that will assure it does not return (or at the very least, if the damage is done, assure it will not spread).There is hope! NEVER EVER give up searching for the cause and the cure. It is out there, but at this point, we have to be the researchers taking charge of our own diseases, bodies, and lives. We need to create environments in us and around us that are not conducive to disease. We are responsible for that. "

Ditto ditto ditto. Just read this on a fellow RSDer's blog and had to put it here.
Night bloglings!

Girls Just Want To Have... Walmart sex?

Today was just amazing all in all down to right this very moment. BECAUSE:

E. was in school. I got lots of hugs and love (in general) I got out of a detention. It was my last class with a smelly really difficult teacher. I feel sort of readyish for midterms next week. I wore my ninja shurt and showed it off to everyone. I didn't have to walk home in the cold. I got to be lazy, eat cal zone and then go on a big huge adventure which I am blogging about: the amazing evening which made me laugh and some us...to cry. Cry and sound like a dying...idk what. I had to lead her into the bathroom with people staring. She looked like a mental patient...yet so did I. Oh love of my life. CT. She was having a breakdown from laughing so hard...and I had chocolate syrup on my nose. This was at Friendlies. We caused a major scene. Where else did we cause a scene? Why walmart of course. We ended up having "walmart sex" after we tried on dresses at the mall. It was pretty darn amazing. Lots of memories and lots of quotes to make everyone wonder about my sanity more than they already do... but first some interesting "images". Walking around the corner in the shoe department, and seeing, a girl upon the back of your 5'11" other girlfriend... A table covered in crayons, paper, money, ice cream and various toppings. The poor waiter. A girl with green and orange spotted hair...yea not just a random one, the love of my life. A coral prom dress... that had a slit high enough to show... well, too much. Running around after people "locking them up" and then them escaping leaving you with their coat. A car taking off when your door is neither closed nor are you buckled... Screaming the lyrics to "Bye bye bye" by N*Sync sitting in a minivan in a driveway at 9:30pm. Asking for crayons from the... ummm seater person...when you're 15 and 16 years old... Wearing towels with straps... Finding a your soulmate... a fish with bug eyes or ADD. Discovering your only friend is a little dog toy. Attacking a smurf... Being attacked by a crawling baby. Choking on sprinkles, the rainbow ones! A 12 scoop ice cream. 3 scoops vanilla, 3 chocolate, 3 mint, 3 cookie dough. complete with whipped cream, chocolate sauce, heath bar, oreos and of course cherries on top!

4 teenage girls, late on a Friday night with a car and anywhere to go.


"I was told I'd see cows! And I didn't see cows! Someone needs to be complained to!" "Oh that one's different, he has no tongue!" "It's green! And you spit on my wrist!" "Omgsh! Can you like come to my house and take a picture of me and MY SEAGULL. ME AND MY SEAGULL" "I like it hands on." "Today sprinkles were killing me." "It's not going to take me teeth out is it?... You just dropped that on the table!" "CT and CH have reached a stage in their relationship where CH decided to eat CT's cherry." <---Yea, that was never said out loud...it brings too many bad bad things...but hey, my blog can handle it. "You can't do it with a spoon in your mouth!" "Let's not have spoon wars." "Slam it like a man!" "Don't get into the smurf berries!"

And I leave you with that wise advice. Stay away from the smurf berries... you might turn blue... oh and stay away from my town when my girls and I are on the loose. ♥

Plant One Foot and Pivot With The Other

Today started crappy. I was without my boy. I was in so so much pain. I forgot my English project at home. I was just all blah blah blah. Well it didn't get much better...UNTIL basketball. WOOOO. I have so much energy and an amazing analogy for y'all. Life is a basketball game. You just need to plant one foot and pivot. You need to stay strong in your opinions and be able to move. You need to know where you stand but be able to look around at what's going on. Without running or standing still.

And that's all folks. I'm talking to my boy (:

It's A World Of Make Believe Where Wishes Do Come True

I love going to see AP's shows. CT and I have been to quite a few now. The title comes from one of them. "The Return of the Glass Slipper". It was very good, although my personal favorite show so far was "Big" the musical. But anyways, I chose this title for a reason, so let's get down to business, I'm awaiting a call from my boy and trying to get my blog done. Not that you blogings are unimportant...just, you come second to him. So deal with it. hahahaha. No, no one comes in second geesh. But for the record he is amazing amazing amazing. Speaking of records, I have this plan for next time he comes over. a record day. I have them occasionally, I'm not sure if I've told you about them. I pull out the huge boxes filled with the vinyl and play them. I love "old" music. I swear I'm an 80s child. the thing is on the way home from treatment I had an epiphany. Not only will it be a record day, but even better (prolly not in his opinion, but OH WELL). I'm going to make a mix tape. I don't know how to explain this. Basically I did it once for a school music assignment and I lost it so, I want another. You put a cassette in the tape deck and you can record chunks of songs off the records in succession. It's really cool and trippy. And so we're going to do it, whether he wants to or not. It's a good bonding experiance? I don't know. I'll just tell him "it builds character", that's what CT always tells me.

Speaking of building character. I've decided that's why I'm going to treatment, just for the experience. I figure if I don't wish, or have a desired outcome anything is good. It's not a world of make believe and wishes don't always come true. I mean it's sad but, reality. My psych. is a realist and I love that. She doesn't do the well, it's making you better. Well it's going to be okay. Reality, the goal is for improvement, but there is no guarantees at all. RSD is stupid, if you didn't know. If it cares to hang around even though I put myself through hell to retrain my brain and say GOODBYE RSD, then geesh, I will clap for it. *yay claps* Not really, but really, I'm doing everything I can and it's still a gamble. Being a realist is going to ease the pain less in the future.

I've determined that that's the issue with me. I can't get off the future and be in the now. It's part of why being with E. is so good for me. It's happening now and I get to just enjoy it and be amazed by it. It's not a future gamble, like treatment. It's a you're amazing I care about you just the way you are. And I absolutely love that. I absolutely hate RSD. gah. :p

To Flaunt Your Assets

CT and I are officially back. Yep siree. I mean she knows the whole situation will never be okay, but I'm going to try and not let it upset me as much, even though, I have every right to be upset. She recognizes this though. And I can't be without her. today we went swimming. OMGsh did we have some good times. And some good quotes which I will definitely share. First of all, E. shall be jealous of her says CT. She couldn't get over how amazing I looked in my bathing suit. I was just like Danke, I know right. lol. haha. Her bathing suit was cute as well and duh she didn't look bad at all. she never has. GEESH. Which reminds me of how CT and I have decided to force feed E. so he can't lose any more weight. Hehehe. I love him. Lots and lots. Just the way he is. BUT you know it could give anyone a complex being around someone that little all the time. It's like, rawr I hate you. But no, it's more like RAWR I LOVE YOU. But hey. He has pointy hip bones... OW. ANYWAYS. I think don't had some of the best quotes ever. "Don't you dare touch that noodle!" "Give me your feet!" "Ah my tummy, but I'm going to drown if I make it okay!" "No for women's you put your shoulder in and hunch for men's you pull them back, so so, they (motioning to boob region) to flaunt your assets!" "They always seem to want my body." Oh and it's been determined that jumping off a noodle is not easy... "Give me your noodle!" CT can touch the flag's point but I can't... ): hahaha. "Nooo, I really have to pee! *slaps forehead. but but it's cold!" My friends are my life. Without CT I'd be very lonely. When I can't talk to her about awkward things it...feels empty. "It's it, AH!" We have incredible amounts of fun, despite my foot being dumb and all, and her being incredibly dumb and all...and yea. hehehe. "I'm like Katarzyna stop talking about sex the little brownies probably don't even know what it is!" "When mommy and daddy really love each other..." "Camera whore, facebook whore, myspace whore, hug whore, flirt whore, just slut in general..." "Heather has two mommys." "Omgsh I'd so have someone be a surrogate so I don't have to have children" "Ah tearing!" "I could never do twins it's like twice in a matter of...minutes!" "That movie, it helps you stay abstinent for the rest of your life" "She tells me it's going to hurt and make me bleed, and i'm just like no don't tell me that!" "I tell E. that he can do pot when I can and I'm not ever so that settles that for him" "Katarzyna please don't let me have 14 kids" "After 35 birth control is like bad...so you better be doing something else" "Omgsh, this guy at my grandpa's work his only leisure activity is sex and his wife is never not pregnant. and they're like old!" Oh our swimming skills are amazing too though. "Don't drown me!" "Oh CT makes waves !" "Chicken airplane shoulder!" "go go go and do your thing not with the wall! *flailing arms*" And we're the master of changing clothing...particularly after swimming... "Nooo nooo I look like cousin it!" "Ow, ow, ow!" "*shouted through dressing room* CT your wearing jeans right? Yes. Oh man this is difficult." "It won't hang up!" "Awww man! My hair is stuck in my bathing suit!" "I swear I'm murdering the curtain." "Ohhh it's a bathing suit water extractor!" So yea... it was an ordeal, but isn't it always. We're just that amazing. Oh and yea...did I mention for the record, we're hott, be jealous. ;p

"I Hate Your Self Control :p "

Well I had a really depressing blog posted and I realized wow, I need to lighten up. Things are not bad. Things are pretty good. I was sooo incredibly on my game in basketball today. CT and I are, alright. We're speaking, I'm trying to deal. E. and I are amazing. And the quote for the title comes from none other than him, of course. Well you know, I hate my self control too. That's what led to my depressing blog and prolly my crappy mood. I need to be able to let go and let things happen. It was my new years resolution. I'm working on it, but it still needs vast improvement. I need to just let go. I'll get there. I'll be honest. I let myself fall in love. It's so incredibly amazing but so incredibly hard for me but you know I think he really knows that and that the amazing things he says are true. It means so freaking much. And I hope, he knows that. I realized a lot yesterday (he came over) not just dumb little stuff either like big deal stuff. Like how really truly happy I am. It was good.

Also, he helped me get to a boss battle in a video game. Ha. And today I beat it. The centaurs. Ohhh pooky. Then i was attacked by a panther...I think is what it was? Maybe jaguar? I'm not sure. It was a big black cat. Oh and then zombies. So that was all very exciting haha.

hmm what else I want to be sure to leave on a happy note so maybe that's all I'll say. Cuz, he's my happy note. (:

The Earth Revolves Around The Sun

Oh am I a science geek or what. I so know that the earth revolves around the sun. The world doesn't revolve around me or any other human. Everyone's actions effect someone else. I'm hurt, if you couldn't tell, but hey I'm trying to get this out in my blog without sounding horrible. But you know I feel like it's okay for me to be horrible right now. Call me a selfish bitch, idc.

When no one can understand what you're going through you're kinda always in it alone no matter how many people are around you. It's been like this for me for years, but I'm still accepting the fact that I'm all alone. Even though I love E. and I don't doubt his love. I feel alone. I want him to make me not alone anymore and sometimes I have that glint of hope, but he can't. It's not his fault. He's so so so amazing. But it's just impossible. It's my dumb "exploding baggage" oy vay. I wish it didn't exist but unfortunately it does.

I can't change the past, but I can change the future. Fate will let what is meant to happen, happen. So if something isn't meant to change, it won't. Hopefully I won't be losing E. anytime soon. Hopefully some people realize they are losing me soon and they'll change. But I can't count on other people no matter how much I love them. I'm not out to change anyone. It hurts them and I try not to sink to low levels. Sure, I did, but key word try. I don't intentionally try to hurt people, it's a sick twisted thing and no matter what the reason those people have it's not a good one. Coutning on others, it get's me hurt. And as much hurt as I have you'd think I'd accept this, but I don't. It's not that people can't touch me. I'm always getting hurt, it's a problem. But, I'm not letting people get away with crap because I love them. This is about something and someone, and it's against my blog ways. But it needs to be out there.

This is really happening. It's not stopping. This CT issue needs to be faced. I love her. No buts. What she is doing is pushing me away and hurting me deliberately. Not just me either. But you know whatever, she has other people. She'll accept it eventually. She won't have a choice. It hurts me, but I'm willing to hurt me to maybe help her? And if it doesn't, hey, she'll have all that extra stress gone. I'll be gone. And it's no ones fault but my own. It's my choice, but it's not for no reason. It's because it's what she wants and I love her.

Okay I need to stop. I need sleep I need to just get this out and let it rest and let what's going to happen, happen.

E. is coming over tomorrow. I'm so happy. There's no place better than in his arms. It makes all the troubles seem not like quite such a big deal. (:

I'm a Superhero, Be Jealous (:

I wrote an amazing amazing story. It involved diabolical plans, me as a superhero, AP as a villain, psychotic love interest as minions... oh it was schweet. It was actually pretty adorable. It showed how much I value my friends in a very dorky, fictional yet could be true, sorta kinda way. I feel kinda like a superhero when it comes to my friends. Well usually. I try awfully hard I hope they know that. I want to be the helper, but usually I'm the one who needs help...or they don't listen. Someday I have faith they will learn to listen. I'm not counting on it though. I'll be there to pick up their pieces no matter how gross they are or what they're from. It's just how i am. So many of them, have failed and realized...oh Katarzyna was right. It gives me a great feeling of satisfaction. But hey, maybe someday they'll learn.

In other news... I got work done today! Jawohl! I'm not looking forward to school tomorrow because I have German and English. Which sound like huh that makes no sense. Well my favorite two subjects are two of my least favorite classes. The german class is chaotic and stressful there are a lot of jerks who piss me off. The english class isn't as bad. There are people that piss me off and try to make me feel like an outcast. I feel like my english classes are always like that...which isn't fair. I love english. But anywho...after school will be good. I have an audition for one act plays with CT. It will be wicked fun. And then I have basketball, which means NO THERAPY. WOOOHOOOO. It's amazing hooray hooray.

And I'll just throw in there... I'll get to see E. My E. So that just cancels the badness out (:

Catch ya bloglings l8r ♥

He's My Drug, My Silly Little Emo Boy

Don't call me obsessed, that's very judgemental. CT has got me saying "don't judge me a lot". Humans are constantly judging. It's not necessarily a bad thing always. Judgement is a very vague description. It's all about perspective. I kinda hate things being about perspective because then it can be changed by other people. Like you say something is bad and they say, no it's not. It's an opinion. They're entitled to it. No buts about it. But judgement is different. It can be turned around but never truly. It still hurts usually. You can say it's different but is it really?

Well, pain is beyond extreme, but I just "take my drug" and make it through. E. is my drug. I'm addicted to him. It sounds very sketchy. But that's alright. He's known for having a sketchy perspective and I'm alright with that. He's just a silly little and lovable emo. He helps my pain. He wants me better and makes me feel special. I sound like a sap, but oh well. I used to call my friends out on getting so into their boyfriends which doesn't make sense, I know. But I'm a very independent person who always has said I will never need anyone. Well, hey, maybe just maybe I'm wrong sometimes? ha. Shocking I know, but, i love him. It's pretty f'ing amazing and yet for me really scary. I feel like that's a part of love. CT and I have these long discussions about love. Do we know what is? Yes. Have we experienced it to the fullest? No. We're just little, but that's alright we think about it and try to figure it out. It can't be figured out. That's the biggest thing to "understand" about love. It isn't logical and it will never make sense. But that's alright. It's pretty amazing. Usually. Something so wonderful is scary because that means, it can be lost, and you know it will hurt really really bad. I'm not big on hurting. It's kind of my way of life. Anymore hurt and wow, I don't know. It puts me close to the edge. I try to avoid it. I need to let myself be vulnerable. Sure, I cry I get emotional, but I mean, trust that what is happening is amazing and not worry about what's going to happen. Not worry about the hurt that may come. CT no matter where she is will pick up my little Katarzyna pieces. And I'll pick up her's even if I have to wear rubber gloves...

Invisible Spoons: Anger, Angst and Anxiety

Ummm I don't know. I was going to write and suddenly the desire passed.
I'm in a bad pain and mood spell. So let's leave you bloglings alone.

♥♥♥

Self Inflicted Torture

I'm not even talking about treatment. I'm going to avoid that subject this evening. Yesterday's blog was a little...long and emo? So this one will be short and sweet? Well no promises. But I'll try. Today I tried a motivation tactic and it worked. Punishing myself. Or for those positive thinkers the reward system. I didn't allow myself to talk to E. or go on the computer until I read my English book. And I didn't even touch the computer or talk to E. when he called. I finished the book. Now here I am and I'm on the phone with E. YAY. It's amazing how in such a little time I miss him. I used to yell at my friends for it. But it's a crazy thing I now understand. In most cases. There are always exceptions.

And I think, I best leave my blog at this, for the good of myself and all.
Toodle-loo

Fake Smiles Make The World Go Round

The girl knew only a world of hurt for so long.She couldn't believe when someone wanted her.Someone loved her.And slowly, although she knows when she trusts she gets hurt.She gave her heart to him. ♥

I'm hurting majorly today. Happy new year by the way. It was happy, for a while. I had an amazing new years eve. I spent it in the arms of my boy. And with CT and RD two amazing crazy girls. We watched movies and ate food. It was pretty laid back yet really fun. There is no other place I would have rather started the new year. Yesterday we (CT and I) were vegetables. It was great. We watched like 5 episodes or more of Bones. I'm officially addicted. I'm also addicted to being lazy which is bad because my foot is really angry. I have to double up on PT today and let me tell you wowza the pain guys are pissed. But hey, I just have to do it. It's not just for me anymore. I mean it is. The true reason I'm doing it is the hope I can get better. But having someone else who wants to see you better with every part of them. Just knowing that they think about you and hope you are alright. It's motivation. Sure, I have my friends who want me better, but they also have things/people of their own to think about. I'd be okay on my own, but I'm sure happy with the way things are. I've always been on my own and it's a nice change.

As far as treatment, no nice changes. My PT was awful on Tuesday. I was bawling my eyes out the entire time. She made me run suicides when I couldn't breathe. It honestly was traumatizing. It made me feel weak and stupid. I've done this before. Not this intense, but I mean it's just PT. It's normal simple stuff that anyone should be able to do. I think that's what makes me cry more than anything. If I was not disabled, I could do it. There are people worse, I know I know. But it's still really hard for me even though it shouldn't be. Facing RSD and pushing those guys to the back of the bus may sound simple but it's not just oh stop thinking about it. It's a possible FOREVER. Pain forever. Pain like this. And I can't explain what like this is. I just know that I'd never wish it upon anyone. Not even the select few people I hate. No one, deserves forever like this.

I'm having a rough day if you didn't notice. I guess really it's been rough ever since my last appointment (tuesday). But I'm good at looking fine. I smile and laugh and have fun. I chill out and talk and not be depressing. I don't let the guys be me. I am me and I'm driving but wow I'm ready to knock some pain guys out. They are horrendous. Honestly, I'm glad yesterday was a lazy day because otherwise...it wouldn't have been so fun and I wouldn't have had such an easy time being me not pain. It sounds silly. Me being pain, but I was for sooo long. I let it take over. I feel like it could get that way again so easy and that's why I'm dwelling so. I have to pay attention to my every action and not let it grab the wheel.

Vacation is almost over. School will bring pain. I know it will. It will also bring seeing E. daily which is nice. No matter how much I hurt he makes it better. I mean, it's there but so is he, so the smile is real instead of fake. I'm going to be ready for school. I'm going to get caught up. Or at least I tell myself that. I'll only be going to treatment officially every other week so that helps. But home program is vamped up big time.

I know wishing is worth nothing but, I wish there was a final fix. I was talking to my therapist about this. I used to wish I'd got accepted to the more hellish 3 week treatment where I was taken out of school and all, because it's the last step. She told me something. The last step doesn't mean, no pain. Often kids leave with pain. And when you're at the end of the line where else is there to go?

I feel like I am at the end of the line. I mean, like the pain is staying right where it is. And I hate it. But, I'm still going. Don't ask me why. I have no idea at all. Hope is a let down. For anyone else but me is not the right thing. Because they tell me to...when do I ever listen to doctors?! When am I motivated enough to do anything anymore...not a great deal.
The only thing I want is, to be in his arms forever because when I'm there it makes it all okay.