Fleißig wie eine Biene

I like including essets in my title so I wrote my title in German. Obviously cuz, you don't see the esset in English generally...ever. The esset is this thingy ß people usually call it the funky "B". But it is in no shape or form a "B" or bee, or anything of the sort. My title though does say Busy as a Biene. Biene=bee auf Deutsch. The esset represents two "ss". So in other words I could have just said Fleissig wie eine Biene, if I had to. but I don't cuz I'm amazing and can go ß and äÄöÖÜü hehehe gotta love German characters. But hey me rambling on is procrastinating. which I am not doing, because I'm being productive today. I'm reading and writing and thoroughly enjoying getting stuff done that either
A) needs to be done for school
or
B) needs to be done for me

So that's why I'm blogging. It's getting my writer's juices going and it's checking off something on the "to do" list of Katarzyna's not of the teachers. The teachers or really teacher wants me to read Huck Finn. No offence Mr. Twain but I really have things I'd rather be doing. it'll get done though. It's not a terrible book, I actually like it. I just, I had "marking' my thinking. My thinking means it's MINE in my HEAD. t shouldn't have t be put into words on a post it note. But, that's our assignment for every little thing we read. Yipee. I love English, but as a writer/English freak: English class is very stressful. I'm a creative writer aka I'm not big on boundaries when it comes to my creativity/thought process. But hey, I'll make it, most certainly.

well that's enough bloggage, I suppose. I need to read...and write and be happy. I'm working on being happy, so I can help keep people around me happy. I fail at it, but hey the effort is what counts. Obviously, I work my butt off with PT for nothing :p
Had to say it (:

hehe.
Love. ♥
Laters bloglings.

PS: Perdy colorssssss hehehehehe XD Purple is my favoriteeeee. Lila ist mein lieblung!

Who What Not When

I've decided that I'm going to worry about being true to who I am and what is happening right now instead of worrying about when something is going to happen. I mean obviously I'll plan for the future and think about it, but I mean getting all caught up in maybes. I always used to call out CF for his assumptions, but wow I do it too much. I think I know what people are thinking and I don't. I need to make sure I know the situation before I worry. I have a lot of issues with worry, but as much as it may seem like I'm not, I'm trying really hard.

Speaking of which, I feel like my family thinks I'm just a lazy bum who does nothing. I am not making excuses I swear. I want to do more than i do. I want to make my parents proud. I want to be proud of myself, but as much as I wish I could say otherwise it's an ongoing battle with RSD over who rules my life. Like I just can't grab hold. I hate it sooo much. I want to get a job. I want to pass high school with flying colors. I want to be able to support myself, and be confident and secure. But just because I want it doesn't mean it will happen. I can try. and I will. I just, I'm overwhelmed all the time I hate it. I think that's a big part of my worry. Is the underlying worry all the time. The RSD. And as much as I try to push it to the "back of the bus" I can't. I mean, I can for a while, but it's there. It's always there.

:-'(

Did I mention, I love E. with all my heart. I think he's one huge reason I don't cry myself to sleep at night. As much as I have seemed worried about us, I'm really not. I'm worried about me. And I hope he doesn't worry about me. I worry enough for the both of us. I'll make it out. i'm a fighter. Forever fighting. And I really hope that he's by my side.

I love him. so, so much.

♥

Ich bin nicht eine Möglerin

Folks, I'm not a cheater. I shouldn't be cheating you out of info. I mean I doubt there are any die hard readers out there but the thought that there might be is comforting... so I feel as though I shall fill you in. I need to for real dump here on my blog and get out what's going on. I left you with a sad confused blog yesterday and I need to get this out of me.

So first off, I'm stupid and I know it. I've been having doubts about E. and he doesn't know it. I haven't gotten to talk to him because he's off having fun which I'm glad, I got out and had fun too. I just, I'm feeling like he shouldn't have to be able to handle this RSD monster. But he does. I tell myself it's not me and say I'm not going to let it control me, but it does. He isn't getting the Katarzyna he deserves. I feel like it's wearing on him. I love him so much and I don't want to put him through that. The other major issue, is just me being paranoid in general and I need to fix it. I let myself fall but I still feel like at any time a monster will jump out from under the bed. He gives me no good reason to believe he's going to break up with me but I fear losing him. it's so awful. I shouldn't but I do. Every time I trust someone completely, things get messed up. Exhibit, A) N. exhibit B) CT just two of many things that I lost, when i thought they'd be forever. I mean nothing is forever, besides maybe me fighting this RSD thing, but I love him and it's scary. I need to talk to him when he gets home and straighten this dumbness out. I know it's just me being dumb, but I need to seriously ask him if this is too much, because I don't want to do that to him.

In other news. RSD is causing all this. I feel like it causes everything. It's ruling my life even when I tell myself it's not. It's sneaky and tricky and I'm s0o0o0o0o0o sick of it. I want to beat this so bad, it needs to go. I can't stand it at all. I want my life!!!!!!!! UGH.

In less stressful, serious news: I've been noveling a ton. I even made a cover for my novel! I'm so proud of the cover and I'm working on making my novel worthy of being proud of. I mean I like that it's there and that I'm working hard, but it has a long way to go. I need to completely overhaul the section written exclusively in nanowrimo because it...SUCKS. But hey, I'll do that. Right now I'm just working on finishing it. It makes me soar. My goal is to get it published by the end of 2009. Or at least out to publishers. I am so going to do this. It may be about a girl, with RSD, but RSD does not dictate this. My writing is one thing that's ALL MINE. And you know saying that makes me just want to say, E. is MINE MINE MINE and I wouldn't change it for the world. I love that boy. Despite my crazy doubts and all, nothing is changing that. I know I'm just being dumb but unfortunately i can't help it. My novel I can help and let me tell you, prepare to be amazed. I'm going to share a snippet with you folks. Publishing material?

"They tell you they’re there to be supportive, when really Mallory knows it’s all a bunch of crap. Just because they are doctors and therapist doesn’t mean anything. She goes to her dumb psychologist and tells her that every time. She tries to act cooperative and like some of that crap she spits out means something but it’s hard when all she can think about is pain. It’s not even thinking about it, it’s just there. It’s not a conscious decision, it overrides everything. This disease that Mallory is living, no one could ever understand. Even those people she knows have to be out there, the other ones with RSD. The ones that see sees crying along with her across the gym but can’t talk to, the millions who like her a week ago don’t know this is what they’re facing; they come closest to understanding. They know the pain, the struggle, but really each individual journey accompanied by this monster is individual and especially twisted on a person to person basis. “Yay for personalization, thank you RSD for making me feel like such a special individual,” thinks Mallory as she sits caught in her own thoughts sitting on the toilet. This whole “treatment”, might not even work for her, it is one big fat, maybe. Yipee, she gets to go and do physical therapy regardless."

Impressed? Hey, you don't have to be. I love it. I love him.I don't love my life right now, but I'm working on it and loving every aspect I can.I love you for reading my pathetic blog. Yipee congratulations, the million dollar blog is complete.

Did I mention?

Hey guys. Katarzyna rant coming at you. yay. Today has been incredibly long day. I'm having a huge flair. And you know I'll just say it, cuz I blew it, I thought it was improving. When i finally said that out loud, it heard me, and now this. it's great. But that's not the the only thing that has me all to pieces. I hate being in love. I'm supposed to love it. But it's got me scared shitless. Plus I feel like I'm losing everyone, that I don't deserve them. And this whole RSD thing. It's great. basically did I mention my life scares me to death? Yea, it does.

Ha! I trick you! ):

I need to get this out so bloglings wooo lucky you. It's actually relevant to my blog theme for once! It's about this yucky life with RSD battle thing I got going on. Yea, lovely I know. Well shhh keep it on the DL but I thought that maybe I was beginning the upward swoop. Like the huge pain flares were coming less and I thought omgsh a change for the better in pain! Well...as of right now I'm changing that thought. I know I should keep that attitude and maybe it'll really happen but I got all excited and really started to believe it and I have the feelings of I huge flare. I know I need to not fall to it. But it's tricking. Hoping always gives me issues. i hadn't hoped the entire time and then I did and now I feel all sad inside. isn't that yucky? Yes yes it is. But hey, I need some days to see what's going on. A flare is coming, but we'll see what is up. Maybe something is better...then again maybe it was just one of those dumb RSD things like: "Ha! Made ya look!" except it's "ha! made ya hope! Ha made you think i was disappearing! ha! I heard your positive attitude, so now I'll flare! Ha! I trick you!"

Pout pout pout ):

Hugs?

RAWR!!! (I'm a ninja, vampire, adorkable, cuteness)

Well well. Bloglings, here I am. I'm an official Pon and Zi obsessor. If you're unfamiliar with them well I'm about to make your day. They are adorable little cartoon emos drawn by Jeff Thomas. Prepare to aww, get warm fuzzies, frown and just be taken over by their emo cuteness and I'll post some here in case y'all, like me, have a habit of being lazy. Just remember I own no rights to these photos, I'm just showin ya! http://www.azuzephre.net/azuzephre.net_-_The_Art_of_Jeff_Thomas/Pon_and_Zi.htmluzephre.net_-_The_Art_of_Jeff_Thomas/Pon_and_Zi.html

And so... AWWWWWW!!!! Anywho, how is things? Really well. I had some really really not wellness I got hurt in my basketball game Saturday. I had a huge pain flare and spent lots of time hiding under the blankets. I had a telephone appointment with my therapist today and I got to talk to her about that and other "feelings" I guess. it was all right. I'm still kinda indifferent leaning towards pessimistic about this treatment thing. I was so hopeful to start with it kinda killed it, but hey I'm trying. In other "ness." I did 50 crunches this evening woo I'm supergirl. I mean you knew that already. Tomorrow I just might where my ninja shirt and I'm E.'s vampire (don't ask) and I'm always adorable and full of cuteness even though I kinda like to speak my mind and be dumb and such (: and so...I'm trying to find things to say la la la hmmmmmm... oh! I might be sharing some writing with you beginning...soonish...viellecht (maybe) My therapist suggested to get really into my writing as a mode of transporting my feelings and frustrations from my noggin to the outside world. She's right I need to. Maybe I won't wake up in the middle of the night screaming...or try this thing called sleep, or go a day without tears. Writing here I come. Also E., watch out I'm running into your arms. Lol. Or at least I hope so. I love youuuu. You make me feel special no matter which version of myself I am on a particular day. No matter how I am you're there. I hope I give you that. Cuz man oh man it's an amazing thing. I never feel alone. And even when I'm giving up on the fight, I know at least one person is still counting on me winning ♥ Just remember as a Pon/Zi cartoon wisely says, "If I can't hear your heartbeat you're too far" and "when I put my lips like this =-* it means I want you to kiss me"

hehehe. silly girl I am. Night bloglings.

Steps of The Philledelphia Museum of Art

Okay, so I'm sure I can't run the steps, but you know can dream! lol. this post is a triumph post. For 5 seconds out of my life, everything feels okay. Okay more than 5 seconds maybe like 20ish hours so far. Yesterday after school till now things have felt, right. it's weird. I don't remember last time it happend. But everything is okay with Katarzyna. It's great.

No---I'm The Tsar

First things first. Guys, I write here what I want. I consider what's in my best interest to keep drama low and not expose myself too much. This is the Internet. It's a crazy crazy creepy place. So, yes I have a diary. Generally if something huge needs to be ranted about, I'll put it there or just say it to someone. My blog gets ranty but that's not it's purpose. It's meant to inspire. Honestly I don't find myself inspiring, but putting myself out there is something admirable I think. As a writer it's important to write often. So I try to. Even if it's just here talking about random crap. Or something huge and important. I don't expect this blog to be anything. i don't expect or look for reactions. I let what needs out, out. So here we go.

I am who I am. No one is going to make me feel like I should be different. They may cause me to look at myself but no I change for no one. I am the tsar. I'm sick of being the nice one for one thing. what Katarzyna says may not be so nice but big deal if she means it. I like real people. that's what I look for in a friend. I don't want drama. I'm always in it. I hate it. I want people that tell the truth always and care about me and recognize how much I care about them. that's why to be honest, I have few friends. I'm realizing just how few. But, I accept it. I view myself as a real person. Not always nice. But I try to be decent. If people like CT for example want to call me their friend they'll accept me and how I feel and let real stuff happen in our "relationship." For those that are unwilling. I'm unwilling to give them all from me that I have been. That's right. It's going down.

Dear CT and the Internet world,

I have told you more than I've ever told anyone, including N, E and AP. I've let myself forgive you. I've given myself hell for being bitchy to you. Well, maybe it's what you need. As I've come to realize these days: amazing as you are you're equally as terrible. At least to me. I know I have huge flaws. If you want to call me out on the Internet, go ahead, you have before.

We've had so so so much fun together. I love you. I don't want to stop being you're friend, but I don't want to go on like this. I'm done with the drama. And no it can't be fine. If you continue to make the choices you have been, we're going to have to distance ourselves. I can't be close to someone who is hurting me. It's you're choice. No you can't say well I chose to not be your friend. I can't make her blah blah blah. No, you're right. You can't make me be your friend but you can make me want to be, or not, as you have. You chose not be real with me. You not accepting something doesn't make it go away. I'm not asking you to change, I'm asking you to be respectful. You saying Katarzyna isn't __ or Katarzyna is ____ means nothing. I decide that.

As for you're blog. Don't try to please anyone. That's you're choice to. Be bitchy to the world and public. I don't care. But I'd also highly recomend a written journal to avoid drama and internet creepers, but hey, nothing I suggest matters. You're not into reality. Ignorance is bliss ain't it?!

The "it" situation. The thing that's causing me to rip myself away from an amazing person who I've had such amazing times with. Is all yours. Katarzyna has left the building Go for it if it makes you happy, go for it. But I'm not going to be there. You choosing to text, hug, discuss you're love for someone that traumatized me, that scares me and I fear will hurt you really bad is not being a good friend.

Friendship is being real. I'm real with you. I tell you things and these days, I regret that. It shouldn't matter how someone reacts, you should be able to tell them everything if you're as close as you want the world to think we are. We're not. No. You hurt me. You won't accept being mad. You won't accept being real. It's all about what CT is willing to do. Well I'm not willing to let you be the tsar anymore. So, think about that one. And hey, maybe try facing reality sometimes. It hurts, but it's worth it.

-Me, The Love Of Your Life



Sorry bloglings. It had to be here. My diary isn't worth this. Maybe the fact that I'm willing to let the world see this, will say something to her, then again probably not.

Love youssss blog ya laterrrrr. ♥

T is for timesaver

I'm going to do a quick alphabet blog to update people on things but so I don't ramble quite as much...or at least that's the goal.



Anxiety has been much much better lately although as far and being angry and angsty... ha...needs improvement.

B is for breakthrough which I had one today. I figured out why I was suddenly rebelling against treatment. B is also for boy. My boy. Who is amazing.

Chocolate is delicous particularly this time of month. I went on a chocolate binge today. It was yummy, bad in the long run but hey, live a little.

Dreams---less nightmares lately!

E is for E. of course. He's mine mine mine. ♥

Forgetting is really hard but I'm working on that whole living in the moment thing. Plus, E. helps me to forget all the bad and scary things (:

G is for reaching my goals. I need to work harder this semester and so far I'm off to a not too bad start. I forgot my chem. worksheet at home, but it will get done and I typed up some awesome history notes!

H is for havoc! It seems like everything is insane lately. I mean I'm always insane but wowza. H is also for hormones of which I have too many. My mood has been from hear to china and back twenty times today. AND H is for home program. I've discovered why I hate it. It's something I can't leave behind. It's right in my house. It's like when it is going to end. I can leave appointments but it's always go do home program. How long before they let me stop?

I is for intensity. I'm not sure how I feel about my therapy intensity. And I know I feel crappy about my intense emotions.

J is for January which is yet another month I just survived.

K is for knitting. I did a ton of it today and am nearly finished a beautiful scarf with purple yarn and pink fuzzies.

Love. I used to think I wouldn't even begin knowing what it felt like until far after highschool. Boy oh boy was I wrong. I love him. ♥


M is for money. The world revolves around it and I hate it. I could use some. I need to get a job. gah. :p M is also for music which keeps me near sane. Not orchestra music of course. That keeps me insane these days. I blasted some screamo and then some blog music earlier.

N is for new classes, new semester.

O is for oh dear it's getting late.

P is for none other than physical therapy. It sucks.

Q is for quiet time with my boy. My favorite thing these days.

R is for rushing. I feel like things are rushing by these days and it scares me. R is also for rest. I love resting. I love sleeping. I wanna just hide under the blankets all the time.

S is for sanity of which I have none.

T is for none other than treatment. -_- Let's just stop this already... ):

Understand that this is taking a long time and I'm running out of patience with it.


V is for violin which I never practice. It's also for virtue and values but we're not getting into that discussion this evening.

W is for writing. The #1 thing E. has to share my love with. (minus family)

X really now?! X?! I'm tired. meh.

Y don't I stop? Because... I'm nearly done all 26...

Z