Best Weekend Ever

OMGsh OMGsh OMGsh. Yesterday was an awesome day and so is today!!! YAY YAY YAY. Well let's just see here... if you take note to the right >>>
I won NaNoWriMo!!!! WOOOO 20010 words in 30 days... a sad feat next to CT but oh well, I did good. A lot has been going on besides noveling so I'm proud I made myself do it. What has been going on... oh hanging out with people...people that grabbed my hand and made my day. People that I went to hug him goodbye and whispered in my ear asking me out. Yea :] t was awesome. I'm so happy it's kinda crazy. =p

And I leave now I'm all happy and having things to do with CT, sooooo talk to y'all l8rrrr

♥♥♥

Twitterpated :]

Okay sooo I have to like be all mushy, I'm sorry. hehe. I watched Bambi. For those of you familiar with Bambi, you know about how in the springtime all the animals get twitterpated. Well it's nearly wintertime and I'm kinda twitterpated. hehehe. :] Oh dear...
It's dorky, but I really I don't care. It's fun and happy. Fun and happy is goooood. And well, he called me cutie and that kinda made my day, amongst other things in our conversation tonight. He told me night with a smile and said bye with a ♥ it made me smile a lot a lot. :]

Seems how this is so short how about some quotes? Okie. :]

"The spaces between our fingers were created so another person's fingers could fill them."

"Accept the pain, cherish the joys, resolve the regrets; then can come the best of benedictions - 'If I had my life to live over, I'd do it all the same.'" Joan McIntosh

"Nobody will ever win the Battle of the Sexes. There's just too much fraternizing with the enemy." Henry Kissinger

I'll try for some non-mushy quotes...but as I said, I'm maybe kinda sorta twitterpated hehe.

"Whenever I hear, 'It can't be done,' I know I'm close to success." Michael Flatley

"When I am attacked by gloomy thoughts, nothing helps me so much as running to my books. They quickly absorb me and banish the clouds from my mind." Michel de Montaigne

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do." Eleanor Roosevelt

"Do not protect yourself by a fence, but rather by your friends." Czech Proverb

"Life is a sexually transmitted disease." R.D. Laing

And there you have it.
Katarzyna was here. And she's ending this blog with a smile. :]

PS: I like this new blog template cuz it's got a white background so I can use perdy colors :]

:] Smile. Katarzyna is here.

As you can clearly see this blog has been overhauled. :]

Yesterday I had an appointment in Boston and wow it was a big deal. sure, lots of pain, blah, blah, but my psychiatry appointment changed me. It made me really think and it's a good thing. We talked about how RSD doesn't have to be a piece of me, it can just be something that's along for the ride. Here's one metaphor she used that she'd heard from some other psychiatry something... lol. You're driving a bus. A big crazy bus. You have a bunch of rowdy passengers. these passengers, try to cover your eyes and take over the wheel. They are always trying to get past the do not pass line when the bus is in motion. Your job as the driver is to send them to the back of the bus. these passengers are pain. Pain in all it's troublesome forms. Pain interfering with your life, school, friends. Push it to the back of the bus. Well, I'm trying to do that. I'm not letting RSD take over. I've already pushed through, but now, it's not going to be in my conversation when I introduce myself. RSD is not me. I am me. Katarzyna Quince. Which is my new adoptive name. I love that name and it is now my blog name. :] It may be very unique and so you say wow weird, but idc. I am unique and people say wow weird, it doesn't bother me. Take note of the blog description and my about me. They are different. I am different. No, I'm the same person but better. I am regaining me. I am regaining Katarzyna, who i was before RSD. It feels pretty cool.

One of those pain guys name's is, "ruin carefree teenagehood". Well he's way in the back of the bus now. Huge change from my sad and defeated last blog. N., is the one losing his fairytale ending. I am moving on. I am not getting hung up on something serious, that causes fights and tears. I am an amazing person and I love being his friend, if he doesn't want to have this amazing person, or doesn't realize it, too bad. He lost his fairytale, so sad. I am getting out there and having fun. I am going be a teenager, and RSD sure, it'll be along for the ride. But, I don't care. I've met someone. Which is weird for me. To up and decide, wow, I like this kid. Normally I take my time and am all mature. Well, I haven't ever gotten to just say, let's have fun. So I am. I like him. And turns out he likes me. So I'm really excited to see where this goes. I'm just ready to enjoy liking someone and them liking me and us having fun. Now don't take that the wrong way... I know you "bloglings" (as C. puts it) always have your minds in the gutter. But take it however you wish. I am ready for a big change and this kid, is part of it. He's adorable, btw. haha. He's real and I love that. People that aren't worried about what other people think...or at least not a great deal, amaze me. He's not afraid to be himself and dude, that awesome. He's just great soooo yea. haha. But we'll talk more about him some other day, we'll let things just happen for now.

Another thing. Violin. I love it and I am going to start getting back to practicing. No more mope around in bed, I'm in treatment pain is ruling. I am in treatment. To kick pain off the bus. Right now it's on the bus, but it's in the way back. So yea, I'll have rough days, but I'm forever fighting and pushing those guys back so people can see ME the driver of this bus. I play violin. I love music. People are going to be reminded of that.

Another thing, I'm an awesome dedicated student. Sure, people at school cause pain to try to take me over, well too bad. It's not about the people. It's about me showing off my smartness. I am going to try hard to do what I can with school and treatment. It's not going to be easy, but hey is anything in life? Not really.

Yet another thing that is about me regaining me. Basketball. Woa, I have not been playing nearly enough it needs to change. Needs needs needs to. Pain will definitely be pushing it's way towards the line, but I love basketball. I even got new basketball sneakers :] I love working out and getting all sweaty. I love competition, I love the game all in all. I love the squish of the net and the press down court. I love jumping up and boxing someone out to grab the ball and push down court. It's amazing, and it's my time to shine.

Writing. Yea, I love it and am all about it. I don't even know if I told you I'm writing a novel for NanoWrimo. Well I am. It's amazing. It's about a troubled girl, who hasn't gotten to experience what I am trying to experience starting today. Maybe, I'll give her that. But the plan was not to. You see I decide how it goes. I love that about writing. You are in charge. Being in charge is a good feeling. But also, vulnerability doesn't hurt either. Anywho, I have 16680 words in this novel. my goal is to have 20000 by 11:59:59pm on November 30th. I'm so going to and beyond. Reading, yea...I need to do more of that too. But hey, I can't focus on everything at once, I'd go more insane than I already am ;]

I just thought of yet another way Katarzyna can "drive." When people ask how I am, if I am good, say good or great! Not good, but in pain. No. Pain is going to be there, but it's not ME. I'm going to let people especially this kid I like, see me and not the troublesome pain guys. Sure, this new mentality, it will suffer at times. I don't doubt, I'll have days when the guys push the line and don't want to fight back, but I'm going to try really hard. I'm going to enjoy me, enjoy being a teen. It sounds pretty darn amazing to me. Sure there will be drama, but I'LL be DRIVING. NOT PAIN.

Speaking of which, I can drive now. :] It's fun and I'm pretty good at it.

Also, I'm going to Germany!!!!!!! So that just makes smiles explode everywhere. Ich liebe Deutsch. I love German. It's going to be an amazing experience. This new/old me, is going to be amazing, because I'm going to make it that way!

There will be more smiling because although pain is along for the ride, Katarzyna is driving. :]

Oh yea... like the picture? I think it's rather amazing :]

So Much For That Fairy Tale Ending

I'm really beginning to thing this is the start to true heartbreak. As sad as that is. This isn't about "mystery boy" the paranoid one. This is about N. N. who I finally decided, may be my first love. I've denied that feeling for so long, perhaps just admitting it is all I can do. I mean, I've like other people, but he's always been there, underneath, it's always N. It's so so pathetic, the kid does not like me. In fact, we're in a huge fight, because I like him. Or because of how I chose to remind him of this... it's really really really hurting me. But I refuse to call myself heartbroken I've just admitted "love". I still am not really sure about being in love, in high school, but I have this undeniable awesome feeling about that kid that no matter what he does will not go away. No matter how mad he makes me, I can't be without him. These past days, have been awful. I'm beginning to think, it's the beginning of the end. Good god, I can't lose him as a friend too, that'd really more than break my heart. He's mine. No matter how much he wants to deny it. So there.

The picture, I do not own rights to, it comes from: http://www.kleinfeldbridal.com/index.cfm?pid=52&item_id=10101&rowid=180&page=9 a friend and I looked for our top three wedding dresses. I found this, which we both love, and also, it fits with tonight's blog theme. It represents the non-existent fairytale. (marriage, would never exist in the fairy tale just to clear that up)

Still in treatment, with very minimal success, tons of pain still here, my bffl gone on vacation and still NO WORD from N.

And so... so much for my fairy tale ending. ♥♥♥

Not A Waste.

People are always convincing each other certain things/people aren't worth their tears. When someone tells you that, consider what they are saying. If it's not worth your tears there wouldn't be any. If they/it isn't worthy of you, that's different. But there's always a reason for crying, well I take that back. In cases where people tell you it's not worth it, don't listen. There's a good reason. Cry, cry your heart out.

Fighting---Because of Love

I've come up with a sort of human behavior theory. It's based on one test subject, that subject being me. I didn't intentionally run any test, but from experience I've been able to draw some conclusions. I think we're more likely to hurt people that love us first, because we know/hope we'll never lose them. I think that every relationship/friendship has to survive at least one big fight. We kind of subconsciously know we have to "test" people. It's like our defense against getting really really hurt. In some cases we do still get very hurt. It's not taken well, when you think someone loves you and come to find out their not willing to fight, and work to have you. I'm not talking exclusively romance here. I'm actually not really talking romance, as far as my experience. I feel like I am the type of person to fix things regardless of if that's my job. I except the fact that someone loves/cares about me without question. I am beginning to realize humans don't just love. Love has to survive test. I fight with people but then I always want to fix it, so I don't lose what there. Well, I've decided, if someone is worth it, they'll fight too. There will always be arguments and fights but it shouldn't always be the same person feeling responsible ad fixing the problem. Every argument has at least two stories.

The story behind all this. I'm hurting, a lot a lot a lot right now. Since treatment has started I've been fighting with people I'm close to more and more. I think it makes sense though. I am learning things about these people through this. I think it's kind of my human nature, "testing" those close to me, because I only can have those who really care in my life. I can't be bothered with baggage right now. It's sounds awful calling people baggage, but if being in a relationship (of any kind) with someone is a constant uphill battle for you and not them, there is a problem that needs to be addressed, which sometimes means, you have to accept that someone who you love, doesn't love you. Wow, that's depressing. But, it's true, from my experience. And I'll just tell you, I'm not planning on losing people. I'm really hoping, they will fight. But I can't always be the fixer/fighter. I'm learning.

I am

I am, I am a lot of things. This blog is a rant, a mega uber super de duper rant, because it needs to get out before I break down again. Therefore I am: ranting. I am: stressed. I am: upset. I am: confused. I am: frustrated. I am: scared. And this is only the beginning, the beginning of this blog, I am: writing. It may not be fair for my blog to be all about me, and what I am, but I think it's better that way. My blog, is my place. It's MINE. And no one else needs to be highlighted, or put down here. I think a blog should be just you talking to yourself not an audience. I mean I know there's an audience so I censor, but I just kinda talk, with limits. I mean, I'll never change my self for anyone. But I will never intentionally hurt someone. It doesn't matter who is hurting me, they don't deserve to be hurt. This is part of the reason i use initials and try not to get stuck talking about people, they don't deserve it. I feel like I deserve something, anything, but maybe I don't. Maybe what I have is exactly what I am supposed to, but I'd like to not think of it that way. Treatment is going awful, I mean, it's going how it's supposed to, but until you've experienced it, don't tell me I'll be fine. My treatment, is an uncertain thing. There is no guarantee I am: going to get better. It's a maybe. Maybes worry me. This doesn't mean I don't take risks. I take risks and often times they end badly. I expect them to end badly and so I prepare myself before hand. This doesn't mean I don't get freaked out. Nervousness is part of who :I am. I am: a confused teen really. I am: ranting about nothing, well everything, but trying not to write anything I'll regret. It's a tricky process. Okay, bottom line: I am hurt, really really hurt. I don't care if no one cares that I'm hurt but I sure as hell wish someone would. No one needs to give up their problems for me, if they think they do, they're wrong. No matter how unstable :I am or how much I feel that their problems don't compare to mine, I'll listen and I'll do my best to help. I am: disappointed, that people don't get to see who I really am. I am: mad that the world is what it is today. People need to get to know each other. People need to NOT ASSUME. Assumptions get us no where. This ranting probably is getting me nowhere... but...

I am: emotionally unstable right now. but I wish people would still give me a chance, all I need is someone to hug me, and not leave.

Probieren

Probieren=to try. I'm trying I really am. I'm trying to make it work with my guy. I'm trying to make the guy who liked me (the one who made me feel special, i admit it) understand it's over without hurting him. I'm trying to do treatment without breaking down. And I'm pretty much failing at all of these. You can say I have a bad attitude or outlook or whatever but I don't care. You are not living my life and I'm not living yours so don't judge. I am trying so so hard. I want to get better, but it's a scary thing. I have never been a teenager, although I've been one. What I mean is, I'm a teenager with RSD, I've never been a "normal" teen and I can't say I know how to be, it's going to be super weird. I've also never had a boyfriend, but I sure as hell want this kid to be mine. He is amazing, and I wish he'd think that of me. As for the other kid, he's not a bad kid, but I just think "us" is over like it's not meant to work. And I am trying, trying so hard, to sort this out! ARGH. While being in the worst pain I've been in, in a very long time. FUN.

4get

Forgetting isn't as easy as some make it out to be. I mean some things, you can forget within seconds. Other things you'll never forget. It's weird how your mind works like that. Some random things you will never forget but a lot of things you'll never forget are because they impacted you so greatly. For example. I am having trouble forgetting someone. They are the first person who I ever felt truly liked me (as more than a friend) completely honestly and treated me that way. They missed me. They wanted to be with me. It was just an amazing thing to me. It's hard to forget them. I bring this up because I may very well be switching into one of their classes. And I kinda am wondering what will happen.
Secondly pain. I will never forget RSD pain. My brain changed. Even if we retrain my brain so I don't have RSD symptoms. If I get remission, pain will not be forgotten. RSD will not be forgotten. That's why I have this blog, no matter what. Even if I get remission, RSD is still very much a part of me. I'll still be fighting those memories. I'll still have all the people I met along the way. I'll have the trauma. I'll have the tears. I'll have the fear. And I'll have the triumph. It's so hard to imagine REMISSION. NO pain. NONE. ZIPPO. ZERO. Being "normal". It's going to be great. But it's also going to be a really long road. I had a Boston appointment tonight and it was brutal. It brings tears, but I just keep remembering tears now equal smiles later. My pain psychiatrist is helping a little now too. We talked about distraction being able to "forget" pain for a bit, well at least mostly for a second. As far as PT goes though, I know it's helping, I'm improving. It's not any easier. There isn't less pain. But I can do more stuff and faster than last week. This is great. I have m first near home appointment tomorrow though. Supervised PT 2 days in a row. ARGH ARGH. I'm not allowed to forget the appointments or to do home program. But i suppose it's for the best. Why 4get not forget, for a title? Because I need to get certain numbers or times in PT. I don't think any is a low as a four. But I do have to break really hard records set in the PPRC. If I get 4 seconds on anything I'll be the new record holder. Wooo. But I have a ways to go


... I'll just keep fighting. ♥♥♥

Excuse me...

First off you all deserve an apology....amusing that people actually read this. I haven't blogged in a long time. My life has been very hectic, thanks to RSD amongst other things. I'm in treatment now but let's not discuss it, that's the stressfulness.

Let's just say I want to just scream excuse me!!! and make people listen. I feel like I am not up to par lately as far as being me. (If that makes any sense) Like I'm not acting as I normally would, it's concerning. But I'm going to try to fix it. Perhaps.

I had a great great great weekend. It included a Halloween party which was super deee duper. It also included hanging out with CT which was fantabulous. I feel like a party of her family, it's kinda cute and kinda funny. They amuse me. You know it's nice to feel loved though, like I belong. I mean, duh my family loves me. But I mean outside of my family. This brings me to my next thing...


"My" boy. I am not in love, NO MA'AM/SIR. But, I feel like I really need to do something. I can't just be content liking someone I have to like finish it. I have to get rejected so I can move on. Then I usually don't move on, or at least I don't like anyone for a while, it's not something I do. I like people but they don't change often. I'm not a crazed hormonal teen. Oh wait, yes I definitely am, but not in that sense. But I am like wanting a boyfriend, which is really weird for me. But I feel like just having that is a good experience and it would help me get through stuff, maybe. He may think I'm stupid though... but let's not discuss that. And he may just be freaked and or think I'm weird. I need to decide how to go about this. I need to discuss with N. which is weird. Relationship advice from the relationship failure known as my best friend. Well, he may not be great at relationships, but he is a guy so I'd hope he knows how guys think. Hopefully, we'll see. I love him so he deserves a shot at helping. Otherwise I'm just bombarding poor AP and CT with this, and they are like AH don't ask me. haha. So N. gets the load for a minute or hour or so. I feel like we need some bonding time anyways. HAHA.

So yes... I'm pretty like all over the place crazy and not knowing what else to say besides that I just want to curl up and rest for a long while. I'm so exhausted. I need a good book to read. I need to work on my novel (which I love doing) and also. It'd be nice to have a hand to hold...or arms to hold me... hmmm. We'll stop on that happy note...

♥♥♥