No---I'm The Tsar

First things first. Guys, I write here what I want. I consider what's in my best interest to keep drama low and not expose myself too much. This is the Internet. It's a crazy crazy creepy place. So, yes I have a diary. Generally if something huge needs to be ranted about, I'll put it there or just say it to someone. My blog gets ranty but that's not it's purpose. It's meant to inspire. Honestly I don't find myself inspiring, but putting myself out there is something admirable I think. As a writer it's important to write often. So I try to. Even if it's just here talking about random crap. Or something huge and important. I don't expect this blog to be anything. i don't expect or look for reactions. I let what needs out, out. So here we go.

I am who I am. No one is going to make me feel like I should be different. They may cause me to look at myself but no I change for no one. I am the tsar. I'm sick of being the nice one for one thing. what Katarzyna says may not be so nice but big deal if she means it. I like real people. that's what I look for in a friend. I don't want drama. I'm always in it. I hate it. I want people that tell the truth always and care about me and recognize how much I care about them. that's why to be honest, I have few friends. I'm realizing just how few. But, I accept it. I view myself as a real person. Not always nice. But I try to be decent. If people like CT for example want to call me their friend they'll accept me and how I feel and let real stuff happen in our "relationship." For those that are unwilling. I'm unwilling to give them all from me that I have been. That's right. It's going down.

Dear CT and the Internet world,

I have told you more than I've ever told anyone, including N, E and AP. I've let myself forgive you. I've given myself hell for being bitchy to you. Well, maybe it's what you need. As I've come to realize these days: amazing as you are you're equally as terrible. At least to me. I know I have huge flaws. If you want to call me out on the Internet, go ahead, you have before.

We've had so so so much fun together. I love you. I don't want to stop being you're friend, but I don't want to go on like this. I'm done with the drama. And no it can't be fine. If you continue to make the choices you have been, we're going to have to distance ourselves. I can't be close to someone who is hurting me. It's you're choice. No you can't say well I chose to not be your friend. I can't make her blah blah blah. No, you're right. You can't make me be your friend but you can make me want to be, or not, as you have. You chose not be real with me. You not accepting something doesn't make it go away. I'm not asking you to change, I'm asking you to be respectful. You saying Katarzyna isn't __ or Katarzyna is ____ means nothing. I decide that.

As for you're blog. Don't try to please anyone. That's you're choice to. Be bitchy to the world and public. I don't care. But I'd also highly recomend a written journal to avoid drama and internet creepers, but hey, nothing I suggest matters. You're not into reality. Ignorance is bliss ain't it?!

The "it" situation. The thing that's causing me to rip myself away from an amazing person who I've had such amazing times with. Is all yours. Katarzyna has left the building Go for it if it makes you happy, go for it. But I'm not going to be there. You choosing to text, hug, discuss you're love for someone that traumatized me, that scares me and I fear will hurt you really bad is not being a good friend.

Friendship is being real. I'm real with you. I tell you things and these days, I regret that. It shouldn't matter how someone reacts, you should be able to tell them everything if you're as close as you want the world to think we are. We're not. No. You hurt me. You won't accept being mad. You won't accept being real. It's all about what CT is willing to do. Well I'm not willing to let you be the tsar anymore. So, think about that one. And hey, maybe try facing reality sometimes. It hurts, but it's worth it.

-Me, The Love Of Your Life



Sorry bloglings. It had to be here. My diary isn't worth this. Maybe the fact that I'm willing to let the world see this, will say something to her, then again probably not.

Love youssss blog ya laterrrrr. ♥