I AM NOT Going Down to the River to Pray

I have this song from the choir concert stuck in my head and it is absolutely driving me up the wall. I wanna scream, well in fact this evening I've done a lot of that. But more details later for now, I'm telling you all I do not want to go down to the river to pray. I do not pray and I don't go to rivers. And the song "Down to The River to Pray" is angering me beyond belief. They sang it well, but I'm so so so sick of it. I'm heard it 4ish times now...? UGH. On the other hand, I love love love "Fields of Gold" which is playing right now while you read...unless you changed it, or are reading at a much later date or have your computer muted or are deaf or are tuning it out or paused it or playlist.com is having issues... etc. etc. But yes, it's mazing. AP sang it and she has the most incredible voice ever. I love her to death and I will take this time to say I have no clue what I'd do without her!!!!! She's my crazy little, evil-grinning-glamour-singing rock. CT is my karate chopping psychologist argumentative rock. E is my adorable real funny rock. N is my...stupid yet loving... twig? lol. etc. etc.

I still want to scream despite being surrounded by people that keep my grounded, my rocks and twigs...and maybe a couple leaves... but anyways. Oh what a day today was. We had in school concerts for orchestra. I wore heels. Stupid stupid stupid me wore heels. I have blisters. I have pain. And my foot is purple. That is not just because of heels. I also walked home in snow. It is winter and my foot hates winter. I'm a tad stressed... ummm I had basketball practice which although amazing...running suicides was...suicidal? Yea. My foot is MAD MAD MAD. Yea back of the bus...very empty. I need to drive up a steep hill and get those guys to slide back, cuz wow or wow they are hopping all over that line. My eyes are still open and I'm steering...but they are distracting... oh and yea, I did contrast baths like a good little girl. OWIE OWIE OWIE. They were atrocious. Now, on to more about RSD. As I said, it's not in the back of the bus, I'm falling off the wagon tonight and I need to get all this out. Letting it our helps. The tears... I could do without but they come. Pain and tears are connected sometimes they can't be helped unfortunately. I've found built up fear and stress brings them too. I have a lot of it currently. So, remission. What does it mean? I'm not really sure anymore. I mean I wasn't sure before. But I just set as this "ahhhh angel like heavenly astounding sounds". This amazing thing. I also used to say I'm going to be there. I still do say that. I mean great positive attitude but...really? Am I going to experience it. I can't over analyze and tell myself no. But it's true, it may not happen. And I'm feeling like that. I'm scared. I'm doing all this work. Sure, I'm going to be buff and like "able" to do stuff. That doesn't mean I still don't cry after anything fun and active because of my pain. It doesn't mean I'm rid of the TENS (LOVE LOVE LOVE), distraction techniques, PT and tears, lots of them. The pain is not going anywhere. They say it's last to go. They are talking about slowing treatment down. To be honest, I don't want them too. Sure, I hate it and yea I'm doing"better" but, without it, I'm going back to accepting, never. Never better. It makes me really upset. I want to believe I'll meet my goal. I'm going to be in remission by E's birthday. I say that to people, but is it true? Not necessarily. One of the issues causing this to arise. Today I had this joking argument w. CF. I know he was joking but, it hurt me, kinda a lot. Not so much that, but scared me. I was talking about auditioning for the school play in spring. He was like you can be the crippled girl. And he just kept saying that and I kept saying no no I'll be in remission then. No, I won't, remission. He didn't even acknowledge the possibility. He just kept saying it over and over. And you know. "Crippled" isn't me. It's something that is there, but you know, it's hard for it to ALWAYS be there and not have it be a part.

Maybe I do need to go to the river and pray. For some happy, sunny PAIN FREE DAYS!!!!!

PS: Pic is from the hospital, one of the first times I went.