Fake Smiles Make The World Go Round

The girl knew only a world of hurt for so long.She couldn't believe when someone wanted her.Someone loved her.And slowly, although she knows when she trusts she gets hurt.She gave her heart to him. ♥

I'm hurting majorly today. Happy new year by the way. It was happy, for a while. I had an amazing new years eve. I spent it in the arms of my boy. And with CT and RD two amazing crazy girls. We watched movies and ate food. It was pretty laid back yet really fun. There is no other place I would have rather started the new year. Yesterday we (CT and I) were vegetables. It was great. We watched like 5 episodes or more of Bones. I'm officially addicted. I'm also addicted to being lazy which is bad because my foot is really angry. I have to double up on PT today and let me tell you wowza the pain guys are pissed. But hey, I just have to do it. It's not just for me anymore. I mean it is. The true reason I'm doing it is the hope I can get better. But having someone else who wants to see you better with every part of them. Just knowing that they think about you and hope you are alright. It's motivation. Sure, I have my friends who want me better, but they also have things/people of their own to think about. I'd be okay on my own, but I'm sure happy with the way things are. I've always been on my own and it's a nice change.

As far as treatment, no nice changes. My PT was awful on Tuesday. I was bawling my eyes out the entire time. She made me run suicides when I couldn't breathe. It honestly was traumatizing. It made me feel weak and stupid. I've done this before. Not this intense, but I mean it's just PT. It's normal simple stuff that anyone should be able to do. I think that's what makes me cry more than anything. If I was not disabled, I could do it. There are people worse, I know I know. But it's still really hard for me even though it shouldn't be. Facing RSD and pushing those guys to the back of the bus may sound simple but it's not just oh stop thinking about it. It's a possible FOREVER. Pain forever. Pain like this. And I can't explain what like this is. I just know that I'd never wish it upon anyone. Not even the select few people I hate. No one, deserves forever like this.

I'm having a rough day if you didn't notice. I guess really it's been rough ever since my last appointment (tuesday). But I'm good at looking fine. I smile and laugh and have fun. I chill out and talk and not be depressing. I don't let the guys be me. I am me and I'm driving but wow I'm ready to knock some pain guys out. They are horrendous. Honestly, I'm glad yesterday was a lazy day because otherwise...it wouldn't have been so fun and I wouldn't have had such an easy time being me not pain. It sounds silly. Me being pain, but I was for sooo long. I let it take over. I feel like it could get that way again so easy and that's why I'm dwelling so. I have to pay attention to my every action and not let it grab the wheel.

Vacation is almost over. School will bring pain. I know it will. It will also bring seeing E. daily which is nice. No matter how much I hurt he makes it better. I mean, it's there but so is he, so the smile is real instead of fake. I'm going to be ready for school. I'm going to get caught up. Or at least I tell myself that. I'll only be going to treatment officially every other week so that helps. But home program is vamped up big time.

I know wishing is worth nothing but, I wish there was a final fix. I was talking to my therapist about this. I used to wish I'd got accepted to the more hellish 3 week treatment where I was taken out of school and all, because it's the last step. She told me something. The last step doesn't mean, no pain. Often kids leave with pain. And when you're at the end of the line where else is there to go?

I feel like I am at the end of the line. I mean, like the pain is staying right where it is. And I hate it. But, I'm still going. Don't ask me why. I have no idea at all. Hope is a let down. For anyone else but me is not the right thing. Because they tell me to...when do I ever listen to doctors?! When am I motivated enough to do anything anymore...not a great deal.
The only thing I want is, to be in his arms forever because when I'm there it makes it all okay.