Honest To Blog (And Sparing You A More Worrisome Title)

Be ready bloglings. If something is about to send you into a nervous breakdown, you're apt. to get depressed or upset easily. Do not read further. I mean don't worry either. I'll be fine. But tonight is just not okay. I am honestly saying I am really far from okay. I'm not afraid to except that. I would say I'm mad at myself, but I'm even past that point. I want to give up. No I'm not talking on life like literally, I need to be around for those that love me. On this new driving the bus. It's easier just to hide under the covers. The pain is so so so so bad. I know I'm supposed to think positive and push them back and lean on those that love me and keep positive. But I just can't right now. I feel like a whiny baby. I don't want pity, but I do want to just curl up and get away for a while. It's horrendous. I even broke treatment rules. it's that bad. the guys are steering. I'm not fighting them I admit it.

It's easy for anyone else, those that love me especially, to not understand. They want to understand so much it makes them more ignorant. They want to be able to tell me it will be okay. I want it to be okay too. Don't get me wrong, I really wish it was okay, but it's not. Sometimes you can't make things okay no matter how much love is involved. I know they can't do anything, I know they want to. But honestly the majority of them (minus ummm like my daddy and E.) I need them to get the hell away. I need someone's shoulder to cry on, but I don't need words. I need to just let it not be okay. Because it's not. I have images of excruciating pain hallucinations coming back to haunt me. I wanted so so so bad to grab the crutches when going between the bathroom and my room. I didn't that'd be facing how weak I'm being. Instead I did an even more pathetic form of cheating. I crawled around. My knees aren't as built but as they were when I used to crawl around all the time. I'm not allowed to anymore.

but I did. I really don't care what I'm allowed. My therapist and i were discussing that it's one of the hardest things for people to face, "not okayness" as I call it. They have to accept, feeling bad is part of life. Not always being alright, is normal, it's healthy. Well this form doesn't feel healthy, but I don't care. I need to stop but I can't. I need t curl up and cry and cry until the bad images go away. Until i feel safe and like there's hope. right now, all it feels like is PAIN PAIN PAIN. They're driving the bus, those evil pain guys. And I'm not trying to stop them. I can't.