Shady Pain Guy Gots Company

Tonight's one of those nights when my blog is all I got. I just need to let out what's in my head before I implode or explode. Being overwhelmed does things to me, not good things either. It's when I really feel the downfalls of teenager, even more so than when it's just one big dramatic event. I don't know if you all are aware but I'm battling a bigger monster than RSD. I wish RSD was all I had to fight, but there's something else that's been around since I was a baby. They tell me I could grow out of it, and I'm waiting and waiting. anxiety. It's just takes me over. I'm medicated whooo. I'd rather not be, but otherwise wow, I'd be a mess. It's mild OCD mixed in. I think things to death until I'm an emotional mess. I'm sure you could tell that. It's one of those nights, I think because tomorrow is back to school a place I've grown to hate. I'm overwhelmed by life at the moment. It's crazy realizing how fast things come into your life and blow back out. No one could ever determine the meaning behind everything, but I try to. I worry too much about what was "wrong" with the past and how I'll make the future right. I need control, at least over me. I'd like it over other people sometimes to, it's one of my many downfalls. So I try not to let the OCD get me, I do pretty well, but Sunday nights are the worse. I look at the week and it's automatic hysteria. I never sleep good on Sunday nights.

This week is intense as ever and to be honest it makes me feel sick to think about it. I have so much "business" that needs tending to. Plus other stuff I'd like to do and probably won't because the pain guy and the anxiety guy will beat me down. I hate it you know. I'm always saying I'm not a normal team, but I must be, because I hear that there's all this struggle. It's like an ongoing uphill battle. I have fun, lots of it, and then there's these nights. I shouldn't be complaining, but I just need this time with myself. Time where the thoughts aren't all caged in. I sigh alot when i blog on these nights. And I'm sure I talk in huge circles. I'm sorry for that, but it's a therapy more than anything. It's healthy for me and I guess looking at the bright side, my writing. Truly feeling what you're feeling and accepting it is important.

I'll tell you I'm hurting in a lot of ways and people probably just view it as being pathetic and thinking up excuses. I don't think up excuses. If anything I'd love to get rid of all this. Most definitely. So much stress at school with getting catch up, with keeping friends and not losing people. trying to trust people. Trying to let people get to know me and show them me not all this crappy stuff that's attached. Just being who people want. I know I need to be who I want, but also don't want to be alone. Honest: i trust maybe three people. And it's nothing about the people, I'm surrounded by great people. I'm trying I really am. I hate that people have all these misconceptions about me, and that's the hardest part of school. I used to love it when I was little, all through middle school even. Maybe it's because I didn't realize how imortant my relationships with people are and I just let them come and go. Now I notice.

I just had an urge to delete this. I'm talking to someone now. Someone amazing. One reason I want school. He makes me laugh. And laughter afterall is the cureall. So I'm just going to stop, no spell check, no picture and put this out there. Take some deep breaths and move on.

Love bloglings.