WAKE UP

As much as I want to swim sometimes,
I feel like I'm just floating,
drifting through life.
I battle and battle and then go through days of letting the current take me.
Hiding,
away from the world,
under the blankets where maybe for a second things will be okay.
They're not though.
Call me depressing,
call me, anything, it doesn't change the reality of this
"situation".
No amount of hiding, denial or tears will take this away.
Acceptance neither.
It's just there.
Preying on me,
trying to make me fall. And I do. I fall to it.
I don't want to.
I want to drive that bus, swim against the current, be me, just me
everything I hope for, dream of and desire,
I want to conquer it.
Pain shouldn't be a part of me this way.
It's not, it's something there that I can't get to go away,
then why,
sometimes do I have these days? These days when I'm exhausted, overwhelmed and taken over
by IT.


That wasn't the most poetic of pieces. I don't even know if it's a piece. It just kind of came out. The keys were pressed and there it is. It's one of those days. I'm sure you're sick of hearing it. I know I am. I'm sick of these days and I want there to be no more. I fight it, I promise. This "thing" is no way explainable. I just can't change it, it's the most frustrating thing in the world. No matter how I much I long to feel better, to rise above, push it out, it swallows me up.

Screaming, WAKE UP, doesn't bring me back. Writing here, or anywhere about it, feeds the flames but somehow makes them closer to smoldering, and going out. Flare, the word makes me cringe and have feelings flying around inside of dread and fear. That just adds to it. Everything is interconnected as, I've come to learn. Anything I feel, comes with a consequence and I guess maybe that's why I find this whole "thing" so unfair. Sure their are "conditions" insurmountably worse, but this monster, it stops you from feeling when you have the most to feel. You can't hate it, it feeds the fire. You can't be afraid and cry until your eyes ache, because the affected, taken over limb, will just ache worse. You can't be a teenager, but I AM A TEENAGER. I am me. I'm trying so so so hard to experience this, to feel this portion of my life, but I have to fight every step of the way. Being a teenager isn't easy to begin with, I get that. You're suppose to be all conflicted and immature. Well, I see this life, high school and all, as a bunch of wasted time. I want bigger things, but I have to live this first. I have to get through all this drama, drama that makes me cry and cry and cry and hurt and hurt and hurt, no matter how much i try to rise above it, in order to get to where I want to be. This immaturity, trying to hurt other people over microscopic things, is insane. You aren't who you're going to forever be, you're changing whether you like it or not and creating chaos over something isn't worth it. I know that. Then how do I get sucked in? In the middle of yelling, in the middle of having to choose sides, having to explain myself. I don't know. I don't like it.

Perhaps, it's how "it's meant to be". Clearly actually. I'm a writer and it gives me something to write about. Happy crap, is nice, but is it really exciting to read? No. People would rather see someone hurting, struggling, fighting and never catching a break. Truth is, it's more real. Reality, is a breath of fresh air in the world of fiction. It may not be true, but you can feel it, you can see it. Maybe that's why there are these days. There are these "situations." Because, I'm a writer and I need it. What a nice thought. Yay, for my writing. But that doesn't make this day, go away.


DEEP BREATH. ah.

And there you go bloglings. Some quotes?

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. " Friedrich Nietzsche

"So you see, imagination needs moodling - long, inefficient, happy idling, dawdling and puttering." Brenda Ueland

"It is folly to punish your neighbor by fire when you live next door." Publilius Syrus

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia." Charles M. Schulz

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