Someday Being Awake Will Be Better Than Escaping Through Dreams

I apologize for the incredibly long blog title, but too bad. It sums up today's blog or at least the plan for it. I always come into writing with a plan and usually it doesn't go that way. First of all I'm going to try writing at least pieces of blogs now and again in poetry, lyrical type form. Some loser I know, does this in her blog. Check it out: Escaping Serenity, it's in the blog reel ;-)

And so,
Honesty with you all,
right now.
Living this life,
is not ideal.
I may be driving the bus,
but that doesn't mean I'm really in charge.
I can fool myself,
pretty good too,
into thinking I'm just fine,
telling myself lies.
That fake smile sometimes
it tricks me too.
It's like I'm all sucked in,
nothing is real,
I'm just kinda here,
saying things,
performing actions, that I choose,
but that I don't feel.
I feel, the pain,
it's real,
but everything else is kind of,
lost in translation.
I can't place blame, it's all me,
not doing the right thing.
I get mad at myself, but that also,
solves nothing.
I want to feel this life,
experience it to the fullest,
but lately, I just,
don't know how.
I wish someone could show me, but, I know
that's for me to figure out.
I'm trying to follow what I love,
and make things happen,
but it's like I'm pushing the easy button,
without recollection of it.
I tell myself one thing,
and another happens, something will less feeling,
because the pain takes up
SO MUCH SPACE.
There I go blaming it on the pain again,
but it's the only reason I've got.
It's me driving the bus and I push them back,
I do I do. I go to school, and practice, and get stuff done,
but it still means nothing.
Nothing at all.

Wow, that just came out and I'm not sure as though I can even figure it out. Lately things, are weird. Not bad, just not good. Pain is unreal, it's one of those never ending flares. My TENS is on the fritz and in general I'm kinda out of sorts. I guess it's one of those teen moments of finding where I fit. I'm trying to pour myself into writing, and reading and things I love ten i realize how behind I am in the things that matter to society. Like school. Like being the most amazing person to everyone all the time. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I am, but I feel like it's expected that I aim for that. I honestly don't know what I'm saying, besides that I need to try to take charge, but of what, I'm not really sure.

Oy. Maybe I need sleep, or quality time away from my life, and in those of my characters? Or perhaps Jodi's? Yea, that's it, I'll read and stop this nonsense.

Goodnight everyone.