Here I Am. Once Again. Falling to Pieces...

Wow, I just couldn't stay away.

I had this blog before for like the month of July and then I deleted it. Why did I delete it? Well I feel like I need to be less dependent on the Internet and that places where you write about other people can get you into trouble, but I'm back. I need blogging now. I thrive on blogging. I love it. It keeps me sane. It also keeps by buddy D. in touch with me. She's going to college and that makes me sad =[ But this way we can stay in touch. Her blog is "This is Me" and it's simply fabulous. It's similar to mine. She just rants. That's why I blog, I need to vent and like talk to myself in order to keep my self sane (as insane as that is...)

Well let's see. This blog also deals with me and my journey. I have a disease called RSD. I am forever fighting it. It is like cancer in the fact that it never goes away there are just hopes for remission. It puts me in constant pain. So I blog about my pain and how I'm dealing, and how RSD has changed me and bad me better, and made life harder. So yaaa...the original post was probably better...but idk what it said...because I deleted the blog... whoopsies? anyways, RSD makes life rough, and it's changed me so much. But I will never give up fighting it.

Previously I used codenames for my friends, because I have a Internet paranoia. Well now I'm just using initials. It makes life simpler. I try not to talk about others too much but they impact my life so chances are if I talk to you, you'll be in here someday.

Well why did I come back now...because I'm not okay. I may seem okay but I'm not. I'm just sick of drama and stress and being afraid. I have anxiety issues. I always have. When I was a kid I had night terrors (where I'd wake up screaming and crying and not know why, then not remember it in the morning) and now I just have anxiety attacks. it's rough. I was in counseling to learn how to deal, but counseling doesn't help me. I feel like I have to conquer things on my own. I also feel like I need some meds... I'm on some now but they don't help, my anxiety has been getting worse lately. I get sad and just afraid and vulnerable a lot. that's really hard for me but since RSD it's become somewhat easier. I just hate not knowing. I fear the unknown. It's crazy. I wish I didn't and I fight it all the time but I just do. I hate feeling all alone, but then again I am very independent and feel like I'll never really need anyone. Well until lately...

Okay I'll admit... I like someone. A really close friend. And I do not know what I would do without them. That's really really scary to me. Because otherwise I think I'd be fine all by myself. They know how I feel and they care about me but as a friend. it's hard but I savor their friendship so much that it's okay.

I love my friends though with all my heart for dealing with me. Especially my RSD buddies. An elite group of girls who also have RSD and help me fight it as I do them. S. being one of those. She's amazing and I haven't talked to her in far too long. i really need to, she helps me conquer teen life with RSD. Because RSD just further complicates normal teen issues it's not fair.

Then there is A. she is amazing. She's the most understanding person i have ever met. She is just nice. Like I've never met someone so nice. I wish I could be like her. I mean she has her issues but she's still a great person. I don't deal like I should and it's really embaressing being me sometimes. she doesn't care that I'm imperfect and not okay a lot of the time. she tries to always be happy and make me happy. I love her with all my heart!!! Even if it's 12am and she might get in trouble for being on the phone if I cry bawling my eyes out she'll just stay with me and talk it out and make it okay. we can just cry together and it's makes things better. It's amazing...so you can count on if there's a major issue I'm writing about...she knows of it already.

Anyways... I'm back! I'm glad to have this blog. I hope I have readers =]

I'm just me an insane girl battling RSD and teenage life.

Blog y'all l8r. ♥♥♥